Something’s in the air. It’s doom. The doom of summer’s end. The doom of a trip to America that has left us alone with the casualties of love.

Jamie is discussing his decision to tell Jess that he wants her to be his special someone. Lucy looks at him with doubtful deadpan disdain – the 3 Ds that anyone should undertake for a successful life. Mytton wants to stay in LA and have Irish Nicola imported over as if she were a cat.

The union jack mugs are out – which can only mean one thing: Ollie’s back! Where the HELL have you been Ollie Locke? Where have you been all my life? Why don’t you ever reply to my tweets? Notice me, damn you! Binks goes to see him fresh from her early return to the country. She tells him the news that will rock the nation: she and JP have engaged in flagrante delicto. No-one is surprised really but the cast have been told to act shocked and appalled. Ollie asks if they had sex before or after Binky asked him out. Obviously before, Ollie. Do you really think they had a quickie on the edge of that canyon after JP shattered Binky’s dreams before her very eyes?

Apparently the sex was great, which always makes these things 100 times more devastating.

LA 23

PRODUCT PLACEMENT: A Sony phone. Wheeze is flapping it around while she and Lucy indulge in a couple of giant pots of frozen yoghurt. Lucy tells Wheeze that JP isn’t a bad, bad man. Wheeze is all “if you knew what I knew, you’d think differently” AKA that he and Binky had the sex. Lucy knows full well that they had the sex and is all “yeah?” because she isn’t 15 like everyone else seems to be.

Over at The Ab Factory (AKA the swimming pool), James and JP are flaunting their wares while Alik is dressed like someone’s embarrassing uncle in a sun hat. JP decides that he can’t spend the rest of the holiday moping. Aren’t you all going home, like, tomorrow? By the way, in case you weren’t aware, James and JP have got abs.

Back in England, Ollie is nearly in tears as he smothers Binky in much-needed emotional affection. He insists that JP’s concerns aren’t actually about Binky. He’s right. He’s also got a great kitchen.

LA 21

Universal Studios appears to have installed some new life-like velociraptors outside the Jurassic Park ride. They weren’t there when I was last there in 2010. I shan’t lie – I’m bitter about this. JP can’t seem to tuck his sunglasses adequately into the front of his T-Shirt, which is always a shame.

LA 20

Gabs is having a great time rollerblading on her own. I mean she is just loving life. Ollie calls her and tells her that JP and Binky had bodily intercourse and that Gabs must turn JP into the LAPD immediately. In typically wonderfully insane Gabs fashion, she is all “he won’t get away with this!”

Lucy doesn’t like people, food, technology or greenery.

LA 18

Jamie apologies to Naz for being a dickhead whilst wearing a hat with a feather in it, which is just one step too far. In the next scene, Wheeze is wearing a hat with a feather in it too. Who do these two think they are – Gerry and Marianne Lightfeather? ***I just made those names up***

Jamie then gets dressed for the gig he is going to ask Jess out at. He chooses a cheetah print blouse and a River Island necklace, just to really make sure that Jess says no.

Alik tells Mytton that JP and Binky joined together in anatomical unison. Mytton is upset that no-one told him so he goes and tells the rest of the planet that JP texted other girls whilst romancing Binky. Wheeze’s face actually appears to contract backward into her head at this news.

LA 16

There are only about 4 people at this gig. The lead singer looks like Courtney Love. Apparently Steph went to school with her, which actually makes her about 50.

LA 15

To mourn the end of their trip, they have a beach party. To rub salt into the wound that they have to go back to England, the producers have asked Gabs to sing a duet with Alik, whilst he strums on a ukulele. I would like to know if his singing is meant to be serious? If it is, there are massive problems with the world.

Olivia gives Mark Francis a seashell as a goodbye present, which he wants to ruin by laminating it in silver and using it as an ashtray. Olivia leaves her mark on the series by not wearing a bra.

LA 17

Wheeze does what she does best and rants wildly in the face of someone who she has no right to (JP). She makes him swear on Lucy’s life that he wasn’t texting other girls before he and Binky cemented their flirtation with the act of ultimate surrender.

In the customary Jamie/Jess scene, Jamie recycles his speech about wanting to be with (insert girl’s name here) to which Jess tells him she loves him but not from a lustful standpoint and then nearly walks into the camera.

LA 19

Mytton surmises the moral lesson from MIC LA – “it’s about accepting that we can be dicks.” Everyone looks into the sunset and contemplates what life back in Chelsea will bring…and according to the Season 10 preview, it will bring Spenny, Rosie and more Ollie! Spenny’s back minus Lauren! Ollie’s back minus grey hairs! Rosie’s back minus any flicker of emotion behind her eyes.

– A


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