It’s all about the fish right now. Jamie and Mytton are fishing on the pier. Toff, Binky and Jess are enjoying a scrumptious fish platter at the beach bar. JP and James are fishing for compliments. Wheeze is dressed like a fisherwoman.
While that lot are at the beach, Lucy and Steph have invited Naz around to help her through the heartbreak she’s experiencing over the boy she’s known for about 4 hours AKA Jamie. If I were Steph I would chuck – no, fling – my cocktail in Naz’s ungrateful Los Anglian face! Are we forgetting a little something called Josh and Steph’s devastating end? Naz, you need to check yourself. Anyway, these three are just sitting around as if they are Charlie’s Angels on their day off, bitching about Jess. Steph appears to HATE her. She’s all “why don’t you just go pee on Jamie, Jess!?” Because that’s how one contracts cystitis, Steph.
I don’t know anything about cystitis, btw.
Back at the beach, Toff is looking the best she’s ever looked. California agrees with you Georgia. Binky’s giving JP the glad-eye as he plays that game with the velcro hand pads – sketch, snatch, smack??? Wheeze says that JP and James “are looking really good with their bodies” (as opposed to just floating heads). Binky announces that she is going to ask JP to go with her to the prom (and then I realise I’m not watching “The OC” and that Binky and JP aren’t Marissa and Ryan).
At a bar, Jamie and Jess enter together and everyone’s heads spin in disdain. Then they have a good old laugh at Naz’s expense, but Naz has decided to retain an air of decorum about the whole situation. Binky puts her fist into JP’s mouth, which everyone knows is the mating dance of anyone from Chelsea.
Lucy and James are making ice cream sundaes. They’re just playing sexual games with sauce and cherries. James then creams on Lucy. Then they talk on the steps about something but I didn’t write it down. I’m happy for them but they need to have an argument or something to re-assert their relevance.
Everyone goes to a forest to have an outdoor meal. JP comments that the place has a “The Hills Have Eyes” vibe, but it would have made more sense for him to reference “Friday The 13th”, “Cabin In The Woods” or “Last House On The Left”. God, JP.
Then this happens:
Jamie to JP: “Also, are you going to the polo today?”
JP to Mytton: “He’s off to a disco”
Mytton to Jamie: “He’s off to go and play in McFly”
** Emoji of a face crying with laughter ** (they’re referencing each other’s clothing by the way)
The external dinner is very rustic. There’s even a an ice trough with ice and booze and flowers in it. There’s a wasp flying around the food, which causes Jess to mount Jamie lest it stings her eye. Everyone’s giving sideways glances at each other sternly apart from the ones that are indulging in insular flirtation. It’s got all the makings of a classic MIC dinner scene abroad where everyone starts speaking inappropriately to each other across the table while someone awkwardly passes the salad tongs.
Steph’s the one to instigate the unbridled drama. “What’s going on here?” she asks, pointing to Jamie and Jess, in the style of Karen from “Will & Grace”. Jamie and Jess defend themselves, to which everyone tells them they’re appalling human beings, at which Toff the Californian Goddess leaps to their defence. There’s a shot of Naz next to a bowl of cherries in order to assert her hard-done-by innocence. Wheeze tells Jamie that Jess doesn’t fancy him.
JP and Binky decide that this would be the opportune moment to “go for a walk”. I would have waited, seeing as its getting REALLY bitchy at the table. Nonetheless, Binky strategically places JP on the edge of a canyon and tells him how she feels. And I must say (and this isn’t because I am BFFs with her mum and sister) she explains herself excellently. No desperation, no embarrassment – no problem!
Except for the fact that JP would rather not do the relationship thing. Ah – problem. Binky decides to fly home and seek solace in Scrumbles.
Meanwhile, back at the rustic supper, there is a brief interlude where Steph and Wheeze discuss the difference between a nectarine and a plum before the shouting is revived. Wheeze tells Jess she’s a home-wrecker, Naz loves it, Lucy says that it’s all Jamie’s fault, Jamie says that it’s okay because he’s naturally selfish, Alik tells Jamie he’s going to die alone, Jamie runs into the woods trembling and crying and Steph tells Jess to “just get a fucking boyfriend.” This is my second favourite foreign dinner since the Kimberly, Cheska, Richard fiasco of Season 3.
Back in LA, right on cue, Jamie tells Mytton that the whole thing has made him realise that he wants Jess to be his girlfriend. That old chestnut. He says that about someone at least once every season, so this was overdue. Unfortunately, Jess is simultaneously informing Toff that she doesn’t lust after Jamie and only wants him as a sort of inappropriate brother figure (my words, not hers).
Next week’s predictions: Ollie! Gabriella! Binky! All we need now is Cheska and we can all die happy!