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Once again, something has happened off-camera and all we get is a verbalised run-down of it over a champagne brunch. This time, Jess apparently went for dinner with all the boys and ended up “crawling” into Jamie’s bed, despite the fact that there was a fully-equipped spare bedroom down the landing with freshly laundered sheets and lemon-scented moist towelettes. I propose the MIC director of photography install Go-Pros in a variety of nooks and crannies of the casts’ houses, to capture wayward eventualities such as this. A bit like Paranormal Activity, minus the Activity.

LA 2

JP and Binky are having a non-sexual hike through the Californian hills. They’re just friends, so when he picks her up and carries her over his shoulder it is purely companionable. The same applies for when they stand atop a ledge and hug, whilst taking in the view. Similarly, it is purely friendly when she straddles him as they recline on a mossy knoll. In other news, Binky’s Hollywood crush is John Travolta. Thankfully she prefers him as Danny Zuko from Grease rather than Edna Turnblad from Hairspray.

Over in Bev Hills, Mark Francis is showing Toff his ring. Jess joins Naz and Lucy for a spot of shopping and is looking guiltier than a Rabbi in a sausage curator’s smoking room.

LA 3

Lucy and James are on a double date with Wheeze and Alik. Alik is feeding Wheeze in the hopes that she will catch up with his long-distance relationship weight gain. “Stop feeding me like I’m a cat,” she says. My cat won’t be fed by hand, I have to tear up the fresh chicken and place it nicely in her bowl (which is from Ikea, not Pets At Home). She is a duchess.

So Naz is a basketball professional it would seem. She is playing with Jamie (basketball) and tells him that if he gets it (the ball) through the ring (or hoop) then he can ask her a question. The same applies to her. She asks him whether he sees a future between them. “Yes,” he lies. It’s a shame she wears her socks pulled so far up when she plays basketball. That and her romantic neediness is causing her attractiveness to plummet.

Literally who cast Noah? Which modelling agency did the casting producer at Monkey Kingdom blindly phone up from London in an attempt to locate a romantic interest for Jess? Shame on you! His face doesn’t move, he has the personality of my earlobe and isn’t even hot.

LA 4

Naz finds it funny that she beat Jamie at basketball because “he’s always saying that he’s such a sports scholar”. What the hell is a sports scholar? Somebody that plays badminton wearing a Bishop Andrewes mortarboard?

Jess is insisting that when she crawled from her sleeping bag on Jamie’s bedroom floor into his bed and tried to lick his ears it was “super platonic”. Yeah right, and my cat’s not spoilt, Jess!

LA 5

Mark Fancis can tell that Binky isn’t feeling very happy. There isn’t a hint of ice or lime in her fizzy water for a start. Binks is upset because Lucy and Wheeze are just spending all their time shagging (not each other) and JP is having his cake and eating it (not really). Mark Fancis doesn’t like the vulgar sex chat and so asks if JP “satiates” Binky. Her eyes say “yes, yes, YES!”

Jamie tells Naz that Jess crawled into his bed and dry humped him while he was asleep. She says she’s fine with it but her eyes say “no, no, NO!”

LA 6

At golf, Jess just spends the time leaning on the flagpole. You can’t drink in LA, you can’t play golf in LA, what can you do Jess? Mytton asks whether she and Jamie “touched” when she crawled into his bed at the stroke of midnight and stroked Jamie’s thigh. Apparently they didn’t. Noah offers Jamie golfing tips #fuming

Mark Francis reveals a really disturbing fact: “I spent most of my youth in a garage.” WTF? Alik asks him to be team captain in this week’s token American sports match (its flag football this week). After that garage comment it wouldn’t shock me if he actually does it.

He doesn’t.

LA 1

The group arrive at the flag football pitch in a bus. Then Wheeze and Binky throw Jess under it by telling Naz that Jess has a history of slutdom. This provokes Naz to confront her about it. “Having fun today?” Naz asks, much like Regina George from “Mean Girls” would. She wants to know why Jess insists on being so slatternly. Jess insists that she is only 5% slatternly, and that Jamie is 95% slatternly. Then she reveals that Jamie asked her to stay the night again last night and struts off. I personally think this is a vicious fabrication. That being said, Naz has the final word on the matter: “It’s done!” (two words)

Next week’s predictions: I’m very very worried about next week. Binky seems to be about to put herself out there and proclaim her ever-developing adoration for JP. I am terrified that it won’t end well and I don’t like it. I hope I am proven wrong.

– A

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