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Everyone’s going to Vegas. Jess isn’t invited because she’s a child. She says she’s 20 but I suspect she might actually be 14. Presumably she’s not going because she cannot partake in the consumption of alcohol but the laws are the same in LA, which begs the question why has she even bothered to come to America at all!? Adult or non-adult, her nose ring is still inexcusable.

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JP’s got good abs in case you hadn’t realised. Just to be sure, the camera is sure to do a close-up of them. Jamie wants him to get the hell out of the pool lest they be late for Vegas. 50% of the dialogue from this point on in the episode somehow incorporates the V word (not “virginal”) just in case we don’t know where they’re going.

Lucy’s Skyping James, which Steph interrupts and ruins with more talk of her break-up with Josh, and more talk of how she has done nothing but vomit and cry since it happened.

Alik flies in from New York to see Wheeze brandishing a bunch of flaccid tulips. He has clearly decided to take a break from re-building his father’s crumbling cow-mongering empire. These two aren’t going to V because they’d rather stay home and gush at each other.

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Jess, being that she is 14 years of age, goes bowling and for some ice cream (AKA stages a child’s birthday party) with Toff and Mark Francis. It is here that we meet Noah (minus the ark and the personality). He is stiffer than a hungry boa constricter and is vacant beyond the eyes. Nonetheless, Jess agrees to go long boarding with him (WTF?). May I ask what happened to those two other boys they met in Episode 1 (Barney and Fred or whatever they were called).

Over in V, Steph is making sure that everyone knows that if she wasn’t in Vegas at the moment she’d “be at home crying in bed”. Yeah, Steph, we get it. You’d be weeping vomit-stained tears. Josh is a bastard. We know.

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Mytton and JP decide to make Naz feel really bad about herself over at the roulette table. They do have a point though given that this coupling is the most ridiculous thing to happen to Anglo-American relations since 1866*

Mytton is going gay in my opinion. In the absence of Irish Nicola he is leaning toward men for comforting affection. Last week he was all over JP for what he could do with his hands (with a spoon and a pot of pasta) and this week he’s in a pod with Jamie (whatever that means). The following night he and Jamie do about 27 shots each and decide to come together in the biblical sense (get married by Elvis). Naz is not happy about this and struts in to the chapel to object with God as her witness. She dismisses everyone else and tells Jamie that she deserves more than a British boyfriend who is leaving the country soon to go home and who would rather drunkenly marry a man than touch her sexually. Jamie basically asks her who the hell she thinks she is and informs her that he has hooked up with someone else in V (yeah, Mytton).

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Back in LA, Jess is mono boarding or whatever with Noah. He uses the opportunity to touch her sweet ass under the guise of steadying her on her board. In vintage MIC style they then discuss going on an actual date as this was clearly just a test date in case either of them turned out to be weird (which they both are anyway).

JP and Jamie have an actual row whilst dressed as American football players. JP says to Jamie “are you ridiculous?” in a fit of rage at the insinuation from Jamie that he is giving Binky the run-around.

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James abandons Digby in London to join Lucy in LA, at which JP literally has an orgasm. They all have a BBQ. Gabs is there, here hair still as blue as a Tiffany box that’s been left out in the rain overnight. Mark Francis tells Binky that her chicken is sure to be “riddled with salmonella” and that he won’t be putting it in his mouth (or the chicken).

Jamie and Naz have some ridiculous chat by the pool and decide to “ride it” – “it” being a metaphor for their silly holiday fling which is less like a trip to a Sandals hotel in St. Lucia and more like a retreat for disgruntled divorcees at a caravan park in Lowestoft.

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Next week’s predictions: Steph will start vomiting tears rather than crying vomit; Jess and Noah will play pass the parcel; JP and Binky will continue to befuddle us all; Naz will continue to veer dangerously closer to the tragically sheer drop that will be her romantic devastation.

– A

*Nothing of note happened between England and America in 1866 as far as I’m aware, I just inserted a random date for dramatic flair.

Also, what is going on here:

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