So apparents (that’s my version of obvs) Binky caused a bit of a scene on her birthday night out when another woman breathed near JP. AND IT WASN’T FILMED!!!!!???!?! Um, so the cameramen just thought they’d have a night off did they? It’s not like they’ve been flown over to FILM these people or anything. Thanks for ruining our lives, cameramen. Upshot – JP and Binky ain’t talkin’ no mo’e.
At the beach, Toff and Jess are playing giant badminton. All the boys are walking around with their wetsuits half-on/half-off, making them look a bit like the cast of The Nutcracker. Mytton happens across JP and tells him to “stop looking out to sea wistfully”. He is doing this because of the previous night’s Binky-related drama. He then pops into the neighbouring restaurant to discover Mark Francis lunching with Olivia. Olivia gives JP the glad-eye. I’ve decided she literally looks like Andrea Corr.
TEXT ALERT: It’s from Steph, to Lucy. She and Josh are O.V.E.R. The lifeguard raises the red flag and orders everyone out of the water immediately.
GABS! She’s back, you total bitches! She’s dressed as a witch and is getting her nails done. Her hair is blue, she’s wearing a hat and she’s got an American twang. “What have you been doing in LA?” Binky asks her. “Writing, been in the studio,” is the response. So basically what she was doing in London and in New York. Is she slowly moving around the globe, singing in various studios, on a westerly rotation? Who cares. We LOVE Gabs. Except for the fact that she doesn’t drink anymore – what’s that about? “Please tell me that Mytton is gone in a drain down a hole somewhere,” says Gabs. “Oh yeah he’s, like, seriously down in that hole,” replies Binky. How rude.
Jamie takes Naz on a shit date around a backlot which, let’s face it, anyone can go on if they do a Universal Studios tour. Then they go to a private screening of that film with that stroppy actress in it, which they basically talk through.
Steph meets Lucy to tell her about the break-up. Apparently Josh has said something like “let’s face it, we’re both unhappy” which is news to Steph. She then suggested he move out so he can go on the computer and look for jobs. He then said that he needs to be single to get a job. That is actually, seriously the reason they’ve broken up it would seem. Josh is missing a trick here because if he wants a job in America he’ll need to marry Steph for the green card. Steph tells Lucy that all she’s done since is cry and be sick. Always a good look…
Back at the private screening of the Suki Waterhouse (or whoever) film, Jamie and Naz are still talking through it, this time about kissing. They clearly have an advertising deal with Paper Towns but they aren’t selling it well given that the only two people in the cinema watching it haven’t listened to 86% of the movie. Anyway, they kiss, after discussing it for 76 minutes.
Back at the boys’ house, Josh is coming round for pasta and to explain WTF is happening with him and Steph. JP is a culinary wizard. Enough to stir dormant sexual leanings in Mytton. Also, I really like their kitchen tiling.
Over at the gym, Gabs is dressed like Six from Blossom. The girls are being instructed by a Jada Pinkett Smith looking woman, who is clearly a cyborg. Gabs destroys Naz’s excitable titterings about her date with Jamie when she points out that he has actually shagged everyone currently standing within a 2 metre diameter of her.
Josh explains to the boys over dinner that he needs to be on his own lest he will never work again. He uses his time in Dubai tax dodging as an example of how he is more productive when alone.
Jess’ midlife crisis has gotten worse. She has invested in a nose-ring, underneath the two nostrils. You know – like bulls have.
Toff is having a “cook-out” (which I seriously always thought was an American term for group drug consumption). Lucy is sure to inform Naz that Jamie has also shagged her, as well as Binky, Wheeze and Gabs.
Over by the river, JP discusses nature (vs nurture) with Andrea Corr. Apparently she likes to connect with the Earth, for power, and suggests she and JP go and comb each other’s hair on a rock by the waterfall. Toff can barely keep her amusement in her pants.
Josh and Steph have skipped the “cook-out” in order to discuss their situation on a pier, which is the LA version of Chelsea Bridge. Apparently their break-up has done wonders for him and that he has “achieved so much over the last few days”. Um – like what, Josh? We need examples.
Having connected with the Earth with Andrea Corr, JP decides it’s time to talk to Binky about the drama between them. Only it’s difficult to take them seriously while they are sitting on oversized garden furniture, which disallows their feet to touch the floor and ultimately makes them look like they’re on the set of The Borrowers.
Next week’s predictions: Vegas – which means gambling, smoking indoors and Celine Dion. And probably Jamie continually shouting “Vegas baby!” to shove it down our throats that they have crossed the Nevada border.