As the sun rises on another day in Chelsea, Spencer Matthews is waking up alone to a cold, barren bed. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he turns over to peer across the emptiness at…himself. He sleeps next to a giant mirror. Oh, and also, Lauren’s not there. But whatever, it’s time for a N’espresso. If you’ll kindly think back to last week’s 100th episode, Spenny told Lauren at Mark Francis’ white-tie-ball-cum-underground-rave that he had tongued another human woman. This is naturally now the talk o’ the town. Jamie is revelling in telling Lucy, Wheeze and Binky about it. Jamie HATES Lauren, you can tell. Last week he actually asked the question “what’s so good about Lauren?” Lolllllllllzzzzzzzz. He fights Spenny’s corner of course, in the face of disapproval from the girls. “He wanted a night out, he wanted an escape, he wanted to blow off steam,” he protests. “He wanted a blow job,” quips Wheeze, who is unusually quick-witted for someone whose American lover has abandoned her to make aprons out of cows on Staten Island. Jamie is also excited to deliver the news of another corroding union, in the form of Mytton and Irish Nicola. “Should Irish Nicola know about this?” asks Wheeze, which translated means “lets all tell her and ruin her life!” Speaking of the devils, Irish Nicola is food shopping with Mytton. Not a good idea Irish Nicola, while he is dancing on the precipice of domestic doubt. “I don’t trust you in the kitchen, you’re going to give me salmonella, you’re so untidy, you don’t do the washing up” says she to him, edging him ever closer to the sheer rim of relationship decline. Mytton tries to talk to her about his feelings but she doesn’t really allow it. “Enjoy your asparagus,” says the woman behind the counter with an ironic twinkle of foresight in her eye. Also, there seems to be something on fire in the shop behind Irish Nicola. Their burning passion for each other it is not. Time for the token fetish shop scene of the series (we haven’t had one yet this season, they are certainly cutting it fine, the swines). Jess is buying negligée for Jamie with the same level of gusto she has expressed for him throughout the last few weeks AKA none. If her enthusiasm for a relationship with Jamie was a vegetable, it would be a pea. A grubby, browning little pea. Toff asks if Jess and Jamie have made the beast with two backs. “We’re not necessarily sleeping together,” Jess answers. How can you necessarily be sleeping with someone?! She goes on to explain that she isn’t really sexually attracted to him. Toff asks why: “can you put your finger on it?” No she can’t, Toff, that’s the problem! “What a sticky situation,” Toff observes. No it’s not, Toff, that’s the problem! Spenny is on his eleventh N’espresso when Mytton drops by to ask what unfolded between him and Lauren. Spenny explains that she has dumped him like radioactive slurry. “So she didn’t take it well then?” Mytton says. Um, how’d you think she’d take it Mytton. It is then established that Spenny is a recovering fanny addict. Knew that! The gym that they go to have lockers that look like safety deposit boxes. JP is there with Lucy and James. He talks to James in the men’s changing room about Binky, whilst they both get ready for their work out. Neither of them put tops on though, so this scene is purely for the benefit of the lustily-inclined.
Wheeze gate-crashes Irish Nicola and Binky’s evening out and tells Irish Nicola flat-out that Mytton hates looking at her. Some of the men are dissecting the whole Spenny/Lauren sitch. Andy likens Spenny to a killer whale in a tiny tiny pond. Mytton is bitching, too, about Irish Nicola. It is decided that these boys have all moved in with their girlfriends too soon. Jamie (who’s loving it) raises his glass to cheers that, but no-one clinks. In the spirit of foreshadowing, Jamie invites them all to summer in LA. “I am 100% going to LA this summer,” he declares. Yeah, because E4 are paying for it. Tiff and Lucy are having lunch at their dad’s pub. They’re placing their order with a waitress. Your dad owns it, just go in the kitchen and make it yourself! Lauren and Spenny meet at the bandstand, as the sun shines on their faces like Aphrodite with a flamethrower. He’s sorry, she needs more time, yadda yadda yadda. They all go to a festival. It’s all bandanas and daisy chains and bottles of sloe gin. If Jess’s sexual enthusiasm for Jamie was a fruit, it would be a sloe. A low-hanging, rotting, bruised, bird-pecked sloe. Mark Francis has inadvertently found himself there, in a tent. Out he comes, bolly in hand, to find Sam showing Toff his new tattoo, which is of the initials T.W. What does it stand for? Tiger Woods? Tinky Winky? Temperate Woodland? Tornado Warning? No! Tiffany Watson of all things. Massive urggghhhh! Toff and Mark Francis are horrified by this. As am I! As is the nation! Trust Sam Thompson to somehow get a girlfriend and make sure she never leaves him by engraving her initials on his milky childish skin for all of eternity. And Mark Francis points out what we are all thinking: T.W.(A.T.) Lucy and James are listening to a singer with a bad, forward-leaning afro. James knows that Lucy is hating the festival so compensates by telling her he has brought something with him to make her feel at home. For a minute I assume he is going to pull Digby out of his rucksack (short for rustic sack) but no, he has brought champagnski. Oh, and he asks her to be exclusive, which is probably just a sure fire way of getting a free ticket to LA for the next series. Alex asks Irish Nicola if she wants a sausage (and going by her Instagram antics, she does!) Steph and Josh still hate Lucy because Lucy rolled her eyes at them once. However, Josh tries to be nice to Lucy when he bumps into her on a moonlit pathway, which in turn attracts the attention of Steph, which in turn causes another argument where no-one really admits fault, which in turn leads to them sort of making friends. Spenny is dressed like a cross between The Artful Dodger and Boy George, while Lauren is dressed like a Romany Gypsy. Spenny wants to make up with her so he decides to make a bold gesture. Is he going to propose? No. He produces a key. Is it so she can finally have her way and move in with him? No. The key is for her to treat his flat as her second home. Not her first, her second-class, after-thought home. To me, you either ask someone to move in, or you don’t. Giving someone a key just means that you can never feel relaxed in your own home ever again; and the person being given the key just feels the need to tip-toe in whenever they arrive unannounced, in the hope that they walk in on something incriminating. Spenny tells Lauren that he has never loved anyone like her before *cough* Caggie! Immediately after this, Jamie tells it to Spenny like it is – aka that he’s “bananas”. Jamie asks him why he suddenly wants Lauren to have a key, when he felt very stressed out by her previously. “She’s got her shit together, and doesn’t come over as much,” reasons Spenny. I wonder if he realises that now she has a key she will literally never EVER leave. LA predictions: This is more of a hope than a prediction. If I could have one wish from the forthcoming MIC LA it would be that Steph crosses it over somehow with The Hills and we get an appearance from Heidi and Spencer Pratt. AND Audrina. AND Audrina’s crazy mother. AND Brody Jenner. And hell, throw Caitlin Jenner in for good measure. -A