It’s Made In Chelsea’s centenary, and everyone’s got their regalia out. I’m sure someone, somewhere, is baking a batch of MIC muffins with ‘Keep Calm’ slogans on. Such as ‘Keep Calm, You’re A Slut’ or ‘Keep Calm, Stop Touching Me’.
Something has happened. We don’t know what. Jamie knows, but no-one else does. Spenny has done something naughty. He and Jamie join Binky and Lucy for some whole chickens and Lucy is sniffing the air, like an alsatian looking for drugs in a hitchhiker’s backpack. Spenny’s been back on the boys-night-out-circuit which is big news in Chelsea seeing as he’s not been allowed to drink/go out/have fun/breathe for the past few months. Lauren’s very angry. She’s hitting a muscular man with a big stick. AND she’s working out at the gym. She isn’t happy because SPENNY DIDN’T COME HOME LAST NIGHT! She’s with Wide-Mouthed-Millie who is being considerably less wide-mouthed these days since Sam devastated her, leaving her with very little to be wide-mouthed about.
Meanwhile, Mark Francis is flitting around town with his mysterious box. EVERYONE wants to know what’s in his box. Tell us Pandora, what’s inside? The key to eternal life? Tiffany Watson’s personality? Wide-Mouthed-Millie’s teenage scoliosis head-brace? Victoria’s heart? It’s girls/boys/boyish-girls/ladyboys night. Janie Felstead is at the girls night, being fabulous, talking about orgies. I wonder if she has ever bumped into Mytton and Spenny at one. Lucy is discussing Jamie with Jess, who literally has as much enthusiasm for him as I do for the jay-cloth currently draped limply over my kitchen tap. Lucy suggests that Jess “just sacks it”. Or “sucks it”. It’s unclear, and each thing offers conflicting advice. Either way, she suggests they flip a coin to decide which direction Jess/Jamie should take. That’s how Hitler decided to invade Czechoslovakia, aslo.
Alex is telling the boys that he’s starting to doubt his relationship with Irish Nicola. Spenny replies with some sage advice: “Lions can’t have all the zebras they want when they’re hungry!” which means if you’re overweight you shouldn’t really eat burgers. Meanwhile, Irish Nicola’s telling the girls that Alex has been “going out a lot” AKA hosting gang-bangs. The Thing That Spenny Did (which sounds like a the title of an Alan J Pakula film) is touched upon once again, and Spenny proclaims himself an asshole as the ad break is lead into with some Celtic music. Meanwhile, Alik and Wheeze share their last night together under the stars. It’s a real shame that he doesn’t think she’s the one and still hasn’t told her yet.
Lucy is hanging out with Jess because Steph hates her, and Jess is hanging out with Lucy because everyone else thinks she’s a slapper. They are having a pathetic excuse for a hangover breakfast (fruit). Spenny walks in and says to the girl behind the counter “Hi Tanya, can I have me and Lauren’s usual please” (has he slept with Tanya?) He joins the girls as they nibble on their berries like a pair of yellow-tits and inadvertently lets it slip that when he woke up at Jamie’s the other morning “there were a couple of girls in the corner”. The corner is indeed typically where girls end up after a night with him, so this isn’t looking great. He then takes breakfast back to Lauren, but they get into a row and the breakfast ends up thrown across the room ( what would Tanya say?)
Alik’s leaving and it’s all rather underwhelming. Wheeze hasn’t bothered to dress for the occasion and Proudlock has painted him a shit portrait as a memento. I don’t think he’ll get that on the plane as carry on, Proudlock. Mark Francis and Victoria are interviewing a gladiator for the hierarchical party he is arranging, which involves a riddle to gain entry and reserves the right to refuse admission to the ignorant. Sounds like a blast.
At said party, Wheeze is literally wearing a wedding dress, in mourning for her absent lover. Mark Francis surprises us all by revealing that the party is dual-platformed – it’s all stained glass windows and tiaras upstairs and strobe lighting and glow sticks downstairs. If you’re wearing a tiara you’re a lady, if you’re not you’re a whore. If you’ve got epilepsy you shouldn’t go downstairs, if you’ve got conjunctivitis you should go home. Jamie forces Jess to put on a tiara to secure her lukewarm commitment to him.
Downstairs in the dungeon, Spenny is looking fraught. He is carrying the guilt of a thousand Oedipuses. He comes to the conclusion that he must whip out the old script (now rather dog-eared around the edges) and find Lauren. She is standing at the altar with Victoria, like the Virgin Mary and her slutty sister. Spenny joins them. “Have you come to confess?” asks Victoria. Don’t joke, love. He has! Off she buggers, leaving Spenny to tell Lauren that, once again, he has done something naughty. He has…
Not gonna lie, pretty disappointed. Spenny, we expect more from you, frankly. We expect you to reveal that you shagged 14 girls, all at the same time, standing on your head, fully clothed, wearing a pair of night vision goggles, on top of a giant oil painting of Lauren. But no – he kissed someone. Lauren’s not having any of it though. She calls him a “fucking joke” and screams in his face, which echoes wonderfully around the room, as if she were Catherine Morland and he were John Thorpe, and they are acting out the finale of Northanger Abbey. Then there’s the obligatory drink-in-the-face from Lauren, followed by a Cinderella-esque exit, while Spenny has a jolly good think about what he’s playing at.
100 episodes in, what have we learnt? Rather than predict what will happen next week, let’s mark the occasion with a reflection of what our original cast members have learnt about life over the years. Binky, Mark Francis & Rosie: never look a gift horse in the mouth. Spenny: sweet F.A.