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The boys are in their tight little panties, skipping around a swimming pool, frolicking amidst the throngs and splashing each other with joy. Then they move on to the steam room… Oh sorry. So yeah they’re all swimming at Elliot’s house I think (?) and having a gay old time (like the Flintstones). James exits the pool looking like Daniel Craig; JP exits the pool looking like Ursula Andress; Andy is watching on in a chunky towelled dressing gown, killing the vibe completely. JP analyses the trend in Chelsea in the world of dating. “There’s this new relationship thing now in London where the girl avoids you completely,” he observes shrewdly. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, JP. (Not really, though)

Jess is shopping with Lucy (when did these two become friends???!!!!) Jess has obviously not been sleeping because she has bags under her eyes. Like, you could transfer her shopping into them, they’re that bad. Anyway she fancies Jamie now that everyone else has mugged her off.

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Alik’s getting fatter and Proudlock’s getting thinner. They discuss the whole Wheeze/NYC fiasco. Alik says that he’s not confident that Wheeze is “The One”. I don’t think his dad actually did call to get him to come back home. I think he’s playing his Get Out Of Wheeze Free card.

Rosie and Binky are having some weekly blow(drying done to their hair) and discussing JP. Binky is concerned that she will be “the dummy run” with regards to JP’s non-girlfriended-past. In skips Wheeze, twirling her baton, to tell them that everything between her and Alik right now is better than it ever was (besides the fact that he doesn’t  appear to fancy you anymore, love).

WHAT-THE-FUCK-IS-THAT-SONY-ADVERT-WITH-SAM-DANCING-IN-A-CLUB-ALL-ABOUT???!?!?!?!

Summer’s here so get your tongs out. They’re having some sort of communal public BBQ in a decked beer garden. Proudlock is wearing cuffs and his hair is down. He looks like Louis XIV. He tells some of the others (I can’t be sure who, I didn’t write it down alright) that he and Alik chatted about Wheeze and that Alik was skirting around the issue of their lifelong trans-atlantic future. No he wasn’t Proudlock, you diplomatic boob, he flat out told you he ain’t feelin’ it no more.

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At the milliners (Philip Treacy?) Toff is telling Mark Francis and Victoria that Elliot has been sending her photographs of his genitalia daily. Mark Francis is appalled and doesn’t want to look at it (he’s obviously not on Grindr)

On the 260th double date of this season, Tiff is betraying Lucy three times over by going out with Sam (who she hates), Josh (who she hates) and Steph (who she hates because she hates Josh). After said date, Tiff goes home like a coy fawn stepping into the forest for the first time in Spring. Lucy has been informed that Tiff is back with Sam and she’s fuming. Tiff obviously has pre-empted this as she comes home literally looking as if she has just witnessed someone being hit by a bin lorry outside and then reversed over five times. Both girls are in total denial. Tiff is because she proclaims that she is happy with Sam, yet says it through tears; and Lucy is because she insists that she isn’t judging Tiff.

Lucy, I love you, but you are literally Judge Judy.

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Meanwhile Rosie takes the bull by the horns and swings the cow high AKA she tells Wheeze that Alik never wants to see her again, while Binky watches on.

There’s a weird scene in a bar where Elliot appears to be queueing up for Toff’s attentions, as if she were a countess in a Plantagenet courtroom.

Oh, so Alik tells Wheeze he totally loves her guts. He is lying though..

Today’s Part 4 finale takes place on a tennis court at Downton Abbey, where everyone’s playing doubles. JP and Binky have a little flirty flirty. Wheeze walks up and ruins it (and is called a parrot by JP). It would seem that Binky’s changing her tune about our young relationship virgin JP.

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Toff tells Elliot that he disgusts her, as does his penis. She says she never wants to see photos of him or it again. It’s heinously embarrassing (for Elliot). Meanwhile, across the way, Victoria and Mark Francis decide to take naked photos of each other. Pretty shocking seeing as MF has never seen a dick(pic).

Lucy and James play Tiff and Sam at tennis, while Josh and Steph laugh behind their hands like a couple of maids in waiting. Lucy does that tactical thing that she loves doing to undermine people she doesn’t like, when she says “what?” randomly in response to something they say. She heard them, loud and clear, but it is a method of power assertion and social belittlement. It’s quite hard to belittle Sam though, as he is indeed a small small boy.

Next week’s predictions: Spenny’s got that look in his eye again and “needs to tell Lauren something”. Well, he’s done the orgy and he’s done the regular one-on-one cheating so I suppose all that’s left to reveal is that he went to a gay sauna.

– A

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