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Lucy drops James off to play cricket as if she were literally a middle-class public school mother who has forced her child into extra-ciricular activity so that she can watch the working-class sixth form boys from the neighbouring school play football in the field over the fence. She makes a snide comment to JP about the fact that Binky is not dropping him off in her car (not a euphimism) and that their relationship appears to be floundering in love-limbo, like flotsam and jetsam in a foamy rip-tide.

“I know for a fact that your bulge is not really that big,” says Andy to Mytton. Just to clear it up, they’re at the cricket too, not lying around on a sofa together somewhere in nothing but pyjama bottoms.

Proudlock has his hair down. He looks slightly like a young Meg Ryan. He’s having drinks with Alik and Sam, discussing Sam’s recent romances with Wide-Mouthed-Millie. HOWEVER, Sam would prefer actually to “keep his options open”, which means he’d like to pork someone else. Poor Millie – all those nights sleeping with the lid of a jam jar in her mouth for nothing.

Lauren is shopping for a new home because she has finally gotten the message that Spenny doesn’t want her living with him. It’s only taken about 7 months for her to take the hint; although he hasn’t so much hinted at it as he has flat-out told her to pack her nightie and get out.

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Binky, Lucy and my best friend forever Janie F are walking the dogs. Binks is clearly in a right old tizz about the situation with JP. It’s dawning on her that their relationship is merely luke-warm at best, and that something needs to be done about it. She flusteredly rambles at Janie and Lucy with the sun in her eyes and a dull ache in her heart.

Rosie’s words of wisdom for the week: “Hats, accessories and sunglasses are always justifiable”. Not on men, love (Proudlock).

Wheeze explains how happy she is to be with Alik and how she loves her homelife with him, which she sums up by saying that she “likes being in her room when it’s sunny”. These two couldn’t be hotter if they were Aphrodite and Zeus.

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Sam pies off Millie because he has somehow managed to get Tiffany Watson to forget how he destroyed her life last year. He leaves her at the bowling alley with Toff and Elliott to bowl sad sad balls of rejection, while Tiff sneaks him into her bedroom under a trench-coat, away from the gaze of in-the-dark-Lucy. In-the-dark-Lucy is off elsewhere, having drinks with LAUREN!!!! They are nice to each other for about 3.19 seconds, before the passive agressive insults start. The upshot is that Lauren convinces herself she has received an apology from Lucy when she actually hasn’t really (nor does she deserve one).

Alik asks JP the question the nation all want to know the answer to: “are you and Binky doing the nasty?” No is the flaccid, tepid answer. At the bar across the room, under the guize of getting cocktails, Binky explains to Wheeze that she does not want to rip JP’s clothing off. That explains that, then.

Sam is skateboarding while Tiff watches, leaning against some railings, as if they’re both in a Justin Beiber video (when he was still a long-haired child and portrayed his skills on a skateboard as a means of being sexual). Toff happens upon the pair in mid-embrace. She asks outright what the two of them think they’re playing at with regards to Wide-Mouthed-Millie. Tiff is made to look like a slattern and Toff skips off with her shopping.

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Alik is fingering some battenburg and telling the boys how his father has sent the bat-signal into the sky because their American leather business is in the red. He is needed back in NYC to help with the backlog of orders of lampshades made from human skin. This does not bode well for the future of his relationship with Wheeze.

Lauren’s hosting a slumber party. The women are weaing silk panties and the men are sporting open dressing gowns, as if they were elderly men who have lost all interest in sheilding their modesty. Sam dances for Wide-Mouthed-Millie (who has not been very wide mouthed this episode) which gets Tiff’s back up. She comes and plonks herself down with them like a stroppy prom queen and starts complaining about how Sam is seeing them both. Wide-Mouthed-Millie opts out of the whole scenario voluntarily which probably will leave her storyline-less.

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Binky and JP opt out of their relationship as well, proving that it’s not just the party that’s slumbering (that metaphor doesn’t really work, I know). And to top off the mirth, Alik devestates Wheeze whilst dressed in an Ebeneezor Scrooge nightgown.

Next week’s predictions: I suspect Binky will suddenly start wanting to rip JP’s clothes off; the cat will be out of the bag RE: Sam and Tiff (so essentially Tiff will be out of the bag); Alik’s dad’s company will get a fresh order for 100 units of saddle bags and will send the chopper to get Alik home asap.

– A

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