Before you read this week’s blog, please note that the remainder of my Andrew and… Binky’s Mum episode can be watched at the end of this post. So pop the kettle on, have a read, have a watch and then have a think about your life, as the feeling of joy washes over you.
This is not a good week for Jess. She is down and out. She’s on the shame list after her thrice-baked attempts at romancing Mytton, Jamie and Andy all at the same time. She’s trudging around Chelsea with scraggly hair, not knowing who to turn to. Not even Sam and Toff want to invite her on their power walk (which is their new version of having sex with each other without actually having it).
Digby hates Jamie. Fact. He breaks into a snarly chattering bark at the very sight of his peroxide blondness. But Jamie doesn’t care, because he wants to get a select few together to go skiing. He wants Lucy and Binky to come with their current other halves. But he also wants Spenny to come, minus the ball and chain (Lauren). He wants to “ski, flirt and have fun in the snow”. Flirt with who, Jamie? The girls are taken. Are you going to finally crack on to Spenny?
Wide-Mouthed-Mille-Moment 1: Nail salon, with Irish Nicola. End.
There is a very very serious looking man watching Lauren and Spenny ballroom dancing. Lauren has even put a special dress on for the occasion, made of lilac lace. While she changes out of said lilac lace dress, Jamie pops in to invite Spenny skiing without her, which he basically jumps at because, lets face it, Lauren makes him ballroom dance.
Irish Nicola brands Jess “a flirty little shit” as she lays in a hotel bed 5 minutes from her house with Alex. She tells him that if he ever so much as looks at Jess anymore she will never lie around in a towelled dressing gown with him again.
In the spirit of not inviting people’s girl/boyfriends on this skiing trip, Binky invites Wheeze to Courchevel but not Alik. This is so that they can share a room and JP won’t be able to stray across the boundaries of sexless dating. Alik is perturbed and Wheeze explains to him that it’s because “JP, BInky, Lucy and James have all been dating” as if the four of them have some sort of swingers society happening on the side.
Wide-Mouthed-Mille-Moment 2: Cocktail making, with Sam. End.
Spenny tells Lauren that she is isn’t invited to the ski trip, in the name of selective friendship. She obvs isn’t happy about this. Last week I noticed how Lauren talks a bit like a marmalade tasting chipmunk; this week I realise that these two can’t really have a conversation without communicating with an underlying air of snideness. When they talk to each other its always quite antagonistic (proven here by the fact that Spenny says to her “if you’re going to act like a spoilt brat I’ll break up with you.”)
In France, we learn that Jamie is the kind of skier that wears a small backpack whilst on the slopes. At the (literally amazing) chalet (that I want to be in right now), there’s a bit of a gay porn scene happening with the guys in the pool. JP is naked, and gives Binky the glad-eye from the water. It transpires though the next day, that JP went to bed early and alone (to wash the chlorine out of his eyes?)
Back in London, Sam explains to the others that it’s “early doors” with Millie. He actually means “early days”, the idiot.
Meanwhile, Millie is being two-faced for the 67th time this season, telling Lauren that it’s “fucking shady” that Spenny and Lucy are both on the skiing holiday. Um, no it’s not, Millie. What’s fucking shady is the fact that you could insert three people’s fists in your mouth if you wanted to.
Alex texts Jess without any kisses, which excites and devastates her at the same time. He says that it’s time they had a little chat. He chooses, once more, to approach her at an event with Irish Nicola there, watching from the corner through her monocle. However, it’s okay that they’re talking, because Alex is basically telling Jess to bugger off and stop fancying him.
Lauren calls Spenny and tells him that she is sick of the fact that he is on holiday with Lucy and that she probably won’t be around when he gets back. Unfortunately for Spenny, she is. She has popped her lip-gloss into a suitcase for effect though. They have a chat, and Lauren isn’t very happy about things. To be fair, Spenny left a raclette in an alpine chalet with a pool to come home to you Lauren, so basically get over it.
Next week’s predictions: I spy Janie Felstead in the trailer, so she’ll be doing something fabulous I’m sure. Almost as fabulous as letting me interview her (see below)