Two weeks ago I had the pleasure of meeting and interviewing the one and only Matriarch of Chelsea, Mummy Felstead. What a lady she is! Firstly, she’s a fan of this blog and had very kind words to say about it, so my ego was nicely inflated that day. But honestly she’s just lovely and we got on like a house on fire. I’d feel more than happy going to her with advice if my own Mum was, say, trapped in a lift and consequently unavailable. Part 1 of the interview can be watched below, with the rest of the chat being released each day this week (NB: there were mic issues in places so do forgive the occassional thudding undertone).
Now, from Fulham to Chelsea: Jamie is being sucked and drilled (at the dentist). Mid-filling, Sam announces that he has achieved some physical contact with another human woman. As is Sam’s modus operandi in life, he has selected one of the blander characters on the show; last season it was Tiffany Watson (where has she disappeared to btw?) and this year it’s that new Millie girl. Jamie and Sam are so excited about this. Am I just a massive slut or do the boys on this show get way too tittery when one of them gets some touchy touchy?
Stevie’s storyline in season 9 is evidently that he is growing a beard. He is having drinks with Lucy and Digby (who she lets walk on the table!!!!!) talking about how Josh shouted at her last week. “One can’t act like that,” observes Stevie, “it’s unbecoming of a man.” Alright, Lady Bracknell.
Josh and Steph are smearing chocolate over each other in a chocolate shop (xocolatophobia) They talk about how many times a day they call each other “honey”. I literally have not once heard them call each other this. They discuss Lucy and how she should apologise. Yes, Lucy, you should apologise for Josh bitching about you to James and for James telling you about it. You were SO out of order.
Binky and Irish Nicola meet at a pavemented T-Junction. Irish Nicola seems to have something in her eye for the whole of this scene which I would usually mock but I quite like her in this episode. So instead I pity her.
Jess, whose name is on everyone’s flickering little tongues, meets Jamie. She decides to backtrack on the fact that she left Jamie in a bar, naked and alone, to go and watch Andy singing through his nose. She explains that she would have never pied him off if she had known that Andy would pie her off. Jamie forgives and forgets because he would like to touch her Conchita Wurst.
Oh good, another double date. This time its Sam, Millie, Toff and Elliot. They’re all swinging mallets about. This scene basically consists of Millie literally continually just opening her mouth really wide and sort of spasming about.
Spenny and Lauren happen to be dining at the same venue that Lucy and sharp-toothed James are on a date. Spenny has a beard and is just coming across really Shakespearean. He sends some champagne over to James and Lucy, who basically say “talk to the hand, girlfriend” in response. Lauren sits there being a bitch. Her demeanour has become quite sickly. Sickly with a sour twang. And she laughs like a chipmunk, not gonna lie.
Wide-mouthed Mille is with Irish Nicola slagging off Jess, who happens to be across the room at the bar with Jamie. Irish Nicola is all fiesty this week because Jess has been giving her man the glad-eye. She decides to confront Jess, who is literally dressed like she’s on an episode of Nashville.
Five minutes later, it’s the next day and Millie is ruddy well having lunch with Jess, who she was literally bitching off in the last scene. While Jess is now clothed as a normal person, Millie is dressed as if she were in Haim. Which she ain’t.
At the motorcycle shop, it transpires that Jess texts Mytton the moment Irish Nicola checks in at Heathrow Airport Terminal 3 on her Facebook, to go back to Dublin. This is a prime opportunity as Irish Nicola’s phone will be on aeroplane mode and she won’t be able to track Mytton’s “Last Seen” on Whatsapp. Spenny can’t help himself from suggesting that given the chance Mytton would happily let Jess tinkle with his bike spoke.
At the casino, Rosie is dressed like a 19th Century governess. Spenny and James have a chat about Lucy, and Lauren levitates over to them with her new sourly sweet demeanour. What’s going on with her? She’s become weird. She’s all pinched and a creased and is speaking as if she has some chutney stuck in her inner-cheek. She reminds Spenny about how Lucy was spreading rumours about him wanting to bonk her.
Mytton decides that its a good idea to chat to Jess in a secluded corner of the casino and smile warmly at her. Not a great plan when Irish Nicola is on the warpath. An argument ensues.
Lucy attempts to talk to Steph. An argument ensues. An argument that features Steph branding Lucy “nasty” and “disgusting” #bitharsh
Next week’s predictions: Who knows. It may or may not feature Janey Felstead, but if you’re in need of your Mummy Binks fix feast your eyes on this…