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Ever wondered what happens when I play a game of “Fake Quote/Real Quote?” with Sophie Hermann? Ever wondered what a game of “Fake Quote/Real Quote?” even is? Then watch the final part of Andrew and… Sophie Hermann below. And prepare yourselves for next week’s first instalment of Andrew and… Binky’s Mum.

 

Alik, Steph, Wheeze and Josh are hacking. Not each other (to pieces) but across the fields on horseback. Steph is dressed as if she were off to a business lunch. Storyline set-up: Josh hates Lucy.

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Binky and Lucy have taken Stevie to explore his shoe fetish. The subject of Lucy and James (the guy with the sharp canines) arises. Storyline set-up: James doesn’t talk very much.

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Toff is telling the girls about her run-in last week with Elliot, who once she tongued. Jess states that she knows Elliot “very well”. I suspect much like she knows Jamie, Andy and Mytton “very well”. Uma Thurman and Jess then square off about Andy, as if he is the last coveted cut of filet mignon at closing time in the Harrods Food Halls. Toff and Millie don’t quite know where to look.

Elsewhere, lying in the grass, like three woodland fawns, are Jamie, Mytton and the new pink haired woman. Yes, her hair is still pink. She and Mytton probe Jamie about his alleged feelings for Jess. “Wellyahcuttalongastoryyahlongstoryshortyeahidoquitelikefancyher” stutters Jamie. The poor boy is stressed. Is this because:

  1. He is scraping for a storyline and so feels flustered?
  2. He is screwing Andy over for the sake of it and so feels flustered?
  3. He actually quite likes Jess and so feels flustered?

Discuss.

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Toff’s hanging with Mark Francis and Victoria getting her hair done. Mark Francis has clearly launched her preening for societal emergence. Toff is telling them that she is going to have a party. “Thoughts on tweed?” she asks, as the man behind her volumnizes her bouffant. Mark Francis then starts talking about “foaming substances within” (which I think is a reference to the unbridled beasts of passion that lurk beneath his loins when he discusses tweed) and Victoria warns Toff that a countryside party can veer dangerously close to being a “Home Counties shit show”.

Binky was branded as muscular as a child, which was apparently gym teacher code for fat. Well fuck that gym teacher Binks. You have a fitness DVD out nowadays, innit. Does your old gym teacher have one of those? I doubt it. She is joined by Lucy and Steph to take part in some kind of weird ballet-aerobic-hybrid, lead by a woman who’s had a botch brow lift. Steph assures Lucy that Josh doesn’t hate her. “He just doesn’t care for you,” she explains. I think I’d rather be hated, actually. Then JP rings Binky, interrupting the #awks situation between the other girls, and sets up this double date thing that James wants to get in on. Binky tells Lucy that James is excited, to which she replies “ew”. Dear Christ this girl is a spitfire.

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Alex has decided to wear literally hideous 80s trousers to tell Irish Nicola that he loves her. We want to hate him for his past; we want to hate Irish Nicola for her seeming ability to tame him from the path of debauchery; but actually they’re just so darn ruddy cute. And they’re on a boat.

Jamie tells Jess that he has been spying on/stalking her (spiking her) and that he has feelings for her that run deep and lucid.

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Toff’s gathering is all very Gosford Park with its mock-Tudor and ornamental stone falcons on gateposts. Jess is shooting the clay pigeons (which Steph thinks should be in the shape of actual pigeons and I am inclined to agree) and is shouting “pull” a lot. This is called irony. Inside, Mark Francis has rushed Toff off to make her take off her unattractive jacket. He comments on her less-than-voluminous hair. “It’s poker straight. Pocahontas” he says. Elliot joins them, all full of chat about James and JP to which Mark Francis simply asks “who are they?” with the inflection on the “are” so as to essentially be condescending without being overt about it. He then forces Elliot to ask out Toff.

Meanwhile, the double date is happening back in London. Okay, so, like, James can’t really speak to girls. This seems to be an actual thing. For some reason it’s extremely endearing and the whole thing is just delightful. JP takes it upon himself to sort out his next date with Binky and James and Lucy’s official first date, where they will actually need to talk to one another. JP is like the group secretary. Then he suggests writing down cue-cards for James and they all have a big laugh at the expense of James’ social inperfections. We are rooting for James though, it’s official.

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Josh has decided that Lucy is “fundamentally unhappy” and therefore hates her. On an evening out, he bitches about this to James who goes straight over to Lucy and tells her about it. If ever he were going to start verbally communicating with her, this is the time. Good boy James. Lucy then embarks upon Josh at the bar and asks him to address his “massive issue”. Filthy. Their contempt for each other manifests itself in a battle of “I’m talking” “no, I’m talking” which culminates in “see you later” “no, see you later”. It’s argumentative gold.

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Meanwhile Uma Thurman has announced that she has given Jess permission to go off and throw herself at Andy, who is currently on tour with him mum. This drives Jamie to chew his inner lip and to randomly remind everyone that Jess and Mytton used to shag, which is just what Irish Nicola wants to hear after she has declared her love for him.

Jess hails a cab and heads to the terrible gig that Andy is doing (for his mum). She barges through the crowd and tells Andy she wants his body, only for him to basically say “meh”.

Next week’s predictions: The preview shows us that Spenny sends over a bottle of cheap champagne to James and Lucy on their date. Could he be trying to instigate Orgy 2.0?

– A

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