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1. Part 2 of Andrew And… Sophie Hermann can be found at the bottom of this post and of course on the Andrew And… page.

2. Yesterday, this happened:

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3. At brunch with Stevie and Alik, Andy’s bitchin’ about his dual-girl problem. You know that he really loves it though, even more than that dirty running egg he’s shovelling down his throat. Alik is also bitchin’ about how Wheeze and he have got to that stage in the relationship when they don’t bother closing the bathroom door anymore. Stevie reports that Wheeze smacked Alik in bed. How do you know Stevie? #peephole

Toff is writing a paper about how political apathy is being turned on its head. So am I! You can tell that this is a serious conversation because Mark Francis is with her and he calls her Georgia. Apparently she hasn’t come out yet. They mean in the societal sense, not the Ellen Degeneres sense. Mark Francis is going to sort Georgia out. He’s going to brush her hair and hook her up with a diplomat so they can both reap the rewards of limited parking restrictions.

At rugby, Binky observes that they are all looking a bit manly “for once”. She’s talking about the boys, not Vile Millie. She spies JP and his rippling thighs. She also notes that she “can see his bits dangling”. So far, his below-belt region is doing well. Casting a shadow of doom across the rugby pitch is heinous Mille. This girl has always got a smile on her face, but not in a good way. It’s sort of a scrunched up, sour smile of insincerity. She’s with that pink haired one who is wearing an oversized Burberry trench coat, like some sort of wealthy flasher. Anyway, forget them. JP, covered in sexual mud, chats to Binky. He asks her what she’s doing “over the next few weeks”. How flattering, JP, that you’re so eager to see Binky that you’ll wait about a month to do so. At the pub afterwards its just full of all the new people and Andy. Like, just stop this MIC. Stop shoving these people in our faces en masse. We don’t like any of them. Uma Thurman’s there too with her new nose ring, waving at Andy like a slut.

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At the cake shop, Jess talks through her teeth and Vile Millie talks through her nose. What they have to say is irrelevant.

Oh shit, Andy’s singing in that voice he puts on and he doesn’t stop when Uma Thurman comes barging into his studio session. Apparently he’s invited her there for their first date. Andy, I’m so embarrassed for you. He tells her he is going on tour soon. With who, Andy? Your mum?

Hold. The. Actual. Phone. Please, actually hold it. Lucy Watson is back in Chelsea. Where the HELL have you been? Oh, who cares. She’s back, she’s ordering vodka lime and sodas and she’s belittling a new boy who thinks an appropriate chat up tactic is to ask her who the target market of her jewellery line is. What would you have done if she had said it’s for the 11-14 demographic, new boy? Where would the conversation have gone from there?

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Back in the recording studio, Uma Thurman is explaining how her last relationship was 8 years in length. How old is she? How is that even possible? Is she 46? Didn’t Phoebe and Alex date for like 11 years or something? And Caggie and Spenny were together since around 1972 weren’t they? In Chelsea, do you start dating at the age of 3? #arrangedmarriage

JP takes Binky on a date to run over some sheep in a 4X4. Then he takes her for a picnic. He’s got his ciabatta baguette out. In true MIC style, he asks her out again before the date has barely begun. She’s not even had a bite of his sausage yet.

Emily is only worth mentioning again because she is literally dressed as one of the muppets.

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So basically last night Andy kissed Uma Thurman while she held onto his Steinberger. This is because she quoted the well-known adage “if you’re in love with 2 people, always pick the second one”. Jess must have sensed this was happening through her horrible nip-tuck tattoo because she hooked up with Jamie. This comes around and bites everyone in the ass, because the next day Jamie does the stand up thing and tells his dear friend that he consciously seduced the girl he’s seeing, and Andy reveals that his romantic leanings were erring toward Jess over Uma Thurman #umacantkiss

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Jess is wearing that orange polo neck again from last week. If you’re going to repeat outfits on MIC don’t do it (A) 2 weeks on the trot and (B) with a top the colour of carroty sick.

Alex is all in white, DJing at a party where there are flamingos running wild. Lucy is showing the girls her “come hither” look. That’s HITHER not HITLER. She’s got her eye on James (another new one from the rugby). He has sharp teeth, which means he’s good in bed. Meanwhile, the other one who wanted to know about Lucy’s target demographic is revealed to have snogged Toff once.

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So, remember how Andy took Jess on a double date with Alex and Irish Nicola for their second date? Well, JP tops that monstrosity by asking Binky if their “first official date” (apparently the sheep thing didn’t count) can be a double date with James and Lucy. I don’t get this at all. I thought double dates were what you did when you have been together for a while and have run out of things to talk to each other about, hence the need to lean on another miserable couple for conversational support.

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Now Andy is wearing a god-forsaken orange polo neck. He and Jess are truly meant to be (but apparently not as Andy can’t stand to look at her after she let Jamie fondle her teeth with his mouth).

Next week’s predictions: Josh has decided that he doesn’t like Lucy and I predict it’s because she accidentally entered his apartment without signing a consent form and sat on the sofa that doesn’t isn’t scotch-guarded; Binky will kiss JP (because she’s warm) and Lucy will smile at James (because she’s cold); Emily will change her name to “Cookie Monster” by deed poll.

– A

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