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I don’t think we’ve seen Spenny cruisin’ ’round Chelsea in a jeep since Season 1. Yet, here he is, with Jamie in his kids’ car seat next to him, on their way to drinks with PJ and Duncan (AKA JP and Andy). Jamie’s determination to wind Spenny up has not wained since their exit from Barbados and their re-insertion to London. “Are you missing your girlfriend? Oh no, she lives with you!” Jamie taunts. He’s much funnier when he’s got nothing going on in his life. JP (I wonder what his real name is. Jeremy Piven? Jurassic Park?) makes some joke about Andy playing a guitar on a paddle board. This is only your second episode Jeremy Park, so remember your place!

Steph rings the bad taste alarm, which notifies Rosie and Mark Francis right away. They come to see her as she sits in Josh’s apartment, surrounded by Native American ottomans and pictures of Kate Middleton straddling a torpedo. Obviously there’s a big crisis here. Steph is meant to have the girls over, the place still looks like a bachelor pad, Josh doesn’t want anyone touching his ornamental bread board. Rosie suggests chucking a martini over the furniture – not really the way to get Josh to trust you in his home, is it RoRo?

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Irish Nicola was alright last week but she’s not now. She demands that Alex buy her a whole new wardrobe because she can’t be bothered to fly back to Dublin and pick up some of her existing clothing. He even offers to fly her back and pay for it. That girl deserves nothing more than economy Ryan Air.

Josh manipulates Steph into changing her “get the girls round to see the flat and have some drinks” evening into a “just go out to a bar like we always do” evening. He does this by banning red wine and shoes from his home. White wine and slipper-socks are fine though. But Steph wants a Mexican party, and those things don’t really scream “se avienta el mañanero!”

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So this Millie girl is a little bitch. She’s bitching with Jess about Binky and irish Nicola. Then Binky joins them and Millie stirs the shit about how Irish Nicola thinks everyone is obsessed with her. Jess then says that if she were Irish Nicola she’d be terrified to date Mytton because he is a cheating misogynist. But this isn’t true because Jess’s lips are literally aching for him. Next thing we know, Millie (who looks like a more masculine version of Andy), is with Lauren and Irish Nicola, being bitchy about the girls she’s just been having drinks with. And Lauren is being a right bitch too because when Binky, Steph & co enter the bar she starts laughing behind her hand at them like a spiteful geisha. Each group of girl basically huddles together and criticises the other group for not saying hello. Millie slags off Steph’s dress despite the fact that Millie looks like a man, and Lauren calls Binky “notoriously not clever” which is a badly constructed sentence in itself. Irish Nicola then comes over to pretend to order drinks at the bar, and Binky forces herself to say hello. It’s fake, it’s awkward, it’s peppered with the promise of future conflict. It’s wonderful!

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Elsewhere, Andy has taken Jess out. Jess has chosen to wear a bow on her head. She has arrows drawn on her arm, which I can only assume is because she has come straight from a cosmetic consoltation. They’ve literally been sat down for about 2 minutes when Andy asks her out on a second date. Why do they always do that on MIC. You’ve barely deduced whether or not the other person detests you or not on Date 1 and someone always insists on locking in Date 2. That’s meant to come at the end when you’re on the tube home staring terrified at your phone, praying that when you resurface from the underground you’ll have a Whatsapp from whoever you’ve been with telling you you’re not horrendous.

They’re going to the ballet, so the men have chosen to go to a horrid suit shop to buy disgusting tuxedos. Irish Nicola is there supervising. She basically tells the boys the exact opposite of what happened when she ran into Binky, claiming that Binky kept making digs at her, which she just massively didn’t. Go back to Dublin on your Ryan Air flight Nicolaaaaaaaaa!

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Spenny is discussing the cancelled Mexican themed gathering with Proudlock, Lauren and Binky. He shrewdly observes that “the denial of the Mexican night is the beginning of the end” for Josh and Steph. Then he does an impression of Steph which is just amazing. Poor Steph, we love her.

Meanwhile, she and Josh argue so fervently that the volume of their voices distorts the microphones. They reckon they moved in together too quickly and decide to take a break, a la Ross & Rachel.

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At the ballet, Jess tells Irish Nicola that she was a fat child and so was unable to partake in ballet. Andy comes over and informs her that for their second date he’d like them to have a double date with Mytton and Irish Nicola. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT? Aside from the fact that Mytton has seen Jess’s V, surely you’d want to be alone on a second date so you can instigate sexual activity without an audience. Jess jumps at the idea though, because by default she will be on a date with Mytton as well, so it’s a bit like she’s his girlfriend.

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Mytton says hi to Binky (how nice) but is ambushed by Irish Nicola (bitch) who criticises Binky for being a nice person. They then squabble about Mytton, who is standing in the middle not really knowing where to look. Sorry Nicola but fuck off.

Next week’s predictions: Alik won’t leave the house and Wheeze is crying about it, so there’s going to be some sort of trans-atlantic drama between those two; presumably this double date will take place, and Jess will try to follow Mytton into the loo; I’d love to think Lucy will appear soon as well – where the hell is she?!

– A

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