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Welcome back. Before I start ranting about the new people in Made In Chelsea I have exciting news. I have created a web series spin-off to my blog, which will feature me interviewing various guests. And I am thrilled to report that the first guest is Sophie Hermann, who I interviewed at the weekend. And it was superb. I’m very excited to share it – it’s in editing still but watch this space, it will be ready very soon. More on this to come…

WHAT is THIS?

Little Sammy is running his tiny tiny heart out through what looks like Hans Square Knightsbridge. What’s wrong Sam? Why so urgent? Why are you wearing those trousers?

He smacks into Mark-Francis who is in the middle of supervising some removal men as they load furniture into someone’s house. Either that or he’s orchestrating an elaborate daylight robbery.

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Turns out Sam’s still pretending to be Jamie’s PA and is running to wake Jamie up before he misses his flight to Barbados. Jamie is also pretending (to be asleep) when Sam pretends to burst into his bedroom and they both pretend to be panicked.

WHO is THIS?

At the airport Andy is talking to Millie. Mille? MILLIE?????? Stop it! There is only one Millie in Chelsea and she’s married to Professor Stephen Green. I don’t like this one, she has a oddly moulded facial structure! And also – who the HELL is she?

WHO! IS! THIS???????? Another one! Jess. Ascending through Gatwick airport on an escalator like she’s the flaming queen? Shit, now there’s two more in the back of a car. And one of them has (gag) pink hair. What is this, Party House? I don’t like this at all.

Okay, so these new ones are going with Jamie and Andy to Barbados. The story producers have made sure they all repeatedly say things like “Jamie’s late. Typical Jamie” and “In all the years I’ve known Jamie he’s been late” and “Jamie and I have known each other since birth when our mother’s simultaneously popped us out in neighbouring beds at the Harley street clinic”.

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Turns out Spenny and Lauren are out in Barbados with Mytton and his new girlfriend who is called Irish Nicola. She seems nice but that might be the Irish accent blinding me, much like Andrea Corr’s used to. These four are all over each other on a yacht (each couple, not all four at once). Mytton is all “this romance and serenity is about to be ruined by a small blond boy”. He means Jamie, not Macaulay Culkin.

Alik’s riding around Chelsea on a motorbike, like Clarissa Dickson Wright only without a sidecar or a fat lady.

Josh and Steph are already shacked up and shopping for phallic ornaments. He keeps referring to their house as his house. Apparently Steph isn’t allowed to touch anything or use the toilet or move or breathe. The honeymoon period is definitely over in THAT relationship.

One of the new ones, Jess, is literally obsessed with Mytton. It couldn’t be more obvious if she asked to have a lilo race with him in the pool. She comments to one of the other new ones that his “rig is unreal”. What is that? Oil rig? Lighting rig? Diana Rigg?

The new boy is called JP or PJ or DJ or FKA Twigs or something. He’s alright actually, he seems quite modest and funny. So he’s got a hall pass until he eventually does something twattish.

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Finally some familiar faces – Binky. Yes yes yes! Oh, she’s got a new friend called Fleur. No no no! Fleur looks like Uma Thurman. Binky, Wheeze, Steph and Uma have a chat about Irish Nicola. Binky declares that if she tries to flaunt their relationship in her face she will be all “oh please love don’t give me that chat!” I can’t WAIT for this inevitable cat fight (which Binky will win as she has the support of the nation behind her).

Back in Barbados, Jamie and Andy are trying to seduce Jess. But she is obsessed with Alex, who happens to mince past them half-naked. Honestly, I’ve not seen anyone mince along a beach like that since the Nazis landed at Normandy.

Mark Francis has started a business designing bespoke silver vaginas.

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Whilst the new people party with Jamie and Alex (they’re both doing that thing where they dance with their mouths open wide as if they’re celebrating just being freed from a P.O.W. camp), Lauren and Spenny are having a boring dinner quietly together. They both look like they’re having a really shit time and then Spenny basically tells Lauren that when they get back home she needs to get her crap out of his house because they’re not meant to be living together yet. Cheers.

Cue suggestive typical scene where Jamie and Andy are both trying to get Jess drunk. Andy actually says the following: “Your eyes are more blue than the Barbados sea”. Doesn’t even flow nicely, that one. She then she’s all “anything can happen in Barbados.” Anything can happen anywhere sweetheart.

3 of the new girls laugh about Binky not being in Barbados. Whores!

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Mytton tells the boys that he has nearly said “I Love You” to Irish Nicola. “It’s nearly slipped out a couple of times,” he says. I bet it has, Alex.

Lonan’s back. *rolls eyes*

Over tea, Steph tells Binky and Uma Thurman that she has to wear a protective cellophane bodysuit when she’s at home with Josh. She really wants to have the girls over to paint nails, have pillow fights and make prank phone calls. But Josh won’t allow it.

Everyone in London goes out and Uma Thurman hears that Mytton has been throwing the “L” word around in Barbs with reference to Irish Nicola. She of course does the sensitive stand up thing and shoves this news right in Binky’s face.

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Back in Barbs, Lauren seems to be wearing a wedding dress to dinner, Jamie winds Spenny up about their relationship, and Lauren points out that Spenny uses her tinted body creams. Across the credenza (is that the right use of that word) Jess tells Jamie that there is still unfinished business between her and Mytton. She asks Jamie not to tell him. She says she doesn’t want to come between the happy couple. And she assures that she’ll never act on it.

Next week’s predictions: Jamie will tell him. Jess will come between the happy couple. And she’ll act on it.

– A

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