I haven’t blogged for a few weeks. I’ve been taking a break (and have written a book). But things are about to pick up again – namely seeing as next week sees the return of Made In Chelsea, and consequently my weekly analysis of the show.
As a blogger I am allowed to write whatever I like on this site. However, I don’t always do that. I see my blog as an extension of my professional endeavours. The beauty of a blog is that you can be a journalist, whether it’s published by The Times or not.
So many writers and YouTubers blog and vlog about themselves. I don’t actually do that. There has been the occasional post about things that happen to me, granted, but mostly I am all about my profession and my art. I rarely blog about how I feel. I think it’s because I wonder who really cares. Not in a self-pitying way – I could feel wonderful and simply want to shout it from the internet rooftops. I just would rather entertain than gush or moan or rant or bore. Which is why Drew Drawls has become a satirical commentary site, more than anything else.
I also don’t like to fuel the motives of those who might think I want things to be “all about me”. I can’t actually tell you a time where anything has been ALL about me. Is anything ever ALL about one person?
I haven’t wanted to vomit out my personal musings too much on this blog. Some find it therapeutic to take to their blogs or Facebooks of Twitter accounts and tell the world precisely what they’re going through – often in very cringeworthy detail! (e.g. “I’ve had it!” or “Well that was unexpected” or “You’ll get what’s coming to you” prompting the token “You okay hun?” followed by the obligatory “I’ll DM you!”)
Today I sat on the tube and started thinking about the last year. I have likened my life, this past year, to the movie “Sliding Doors”. This movie follows what happens to Gwyneth Paltrow’s character Helen when she misses her train. Simultaneously throughout the film we see what happens to her in a parallel narrative, in which she in fact did catch that train. One storyline ultimately ends well, the other less so. But during the movie, it looks as if the storyline with the unhappy ending will in fact end happily.
There have been multiple moments over the past year where I have thought my life has been like this – that I have got on the wrong train; that my life has taken a turn that it wasn’t supposed to. It’s such an unsettling feeling. It makes me think about fate. Does fate exist? Or is it something for philosophically minded people to cling on to, in order to assure themselves that whatever happens happens for a reason. I used to believe in it, but this was certainly more of a self-assurance than an actual contemplative notion of reasoning. Things happened to me last year that made me think I had caught the wrong train – but then, things happened that made me think the opposite.
I don’t know why I’m posting this today of all days. There have been so many days in the past few months where I could have easily taken to my blog and got all reflective and introspective. Today has been an interesting day, but it was really just a tube journey that made me think of this. I’d really like to think that what happens to you is always a journey that you should be taking. I’m not 100% convinced, but I am open to this notion. I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable with that idea until I am at ease. But then I don’t know what will settle me like that, or if I can be settled.
This last year has taught me to be less emotional, which I’m not certain is a good thing. I have either become a little thicker-skinned or I have just grown up. Perhaps both. I’m not certain that whatever train I was on last year was the right one. In fact I’m certain it was the wrong one, in some respects. But I try to look at it this way – the end will justify the means. I think that’s a better way to look at life than “everything happens for a reason”.