So it’s Mark Wright Vs Biancaaaaaaaa. Her idea is for hosiery (which I used to think was the art of making hoses) and his idea is some boring-as-sin online business marketing service. I am a man, yet I’d rather wear Bianca’s tights thanks.

Lord Sugar releases all of the bitter ex-contestants out of their pens to “help” the finalists. He says help, I say infiltrate and sabotage from the inside. Some of the candidates haven’t been asked back because they’re not attractive enough. So even though Sarah was useless, she’s back again due to her Arian beauty.


Daniel expresses once more that he hates Mark, so is happy to be on the conflicting team. The team start spit-balling ideas for slogans for Bianca’s tights business. “Your leg, on a good day,” someone suggests. This isn’t Berocca for God’s sake.

Lauren and Katie are on Bianca’s team, and their voices are as irritating as ever. Combined, it’s like someone is writing on a chalkboard with a blunt spoon whilst pulling a load of kitchen chairs around a ceramic-floored kitchenette.

In trying to decide on names for Bianca’s brand, they come up with “True Skin” which reminds me of “True Blood”…but with skin. Mark’s company is called “Climb Online” which Sarah pronounces “Clim Bon Line”. That’s a town in Wales, no? Mark shoots an advert for his business by sending a load of people dressed like the Village People up a climbing wall while he narrates in the foreground. It takes him approximately 117 takes to get right, but he does it. “Brad Pitt eat your heart out,” he says. No!


Weird comment of the episode: Sarah – “funeral directors will make a packet; there’s always someone dying”. So that’s clearly what her business plan was all about then.

Bianca catalogues each of her colour variants by naming them different female names. But its all a bit unimaginative, like Lucy and Joan. If it were me I’d call them things like “Tabitha” and “Clytemnestra” and “Hedda Gabler”. Something to remember for when I launch my hosiery empire.


Meanwhile, back at the climbing wall, the dentist is stuck up there looking bitter.

At the “True Blood” edit, Bianca tells everyone to go away. Bitter.

In the build-up to the pitches, Mark is worried that he’ll do that ridiculous coughing fit thing again. You SHOULD be worried Mark Wright! Sarah offers to hypnotize him into not coughing. Off she goes to get out her incense and Turkish carpet.

Bianca is determined to sell her tights as a luxury item at no less than 20 quid. Her attitude stinks. Frankly, I’m surprised she’s not selling them as one-legged tights that you need to buy two of. She pitches first. In the audience is a posh hosiery bitch who is all frowny and narrow-eyed. After the pitch, Lauren scrambles over to hug Bianca (angling for a job, obvs).

The Apprentice 2014

James, of course, is dressing up again for Mark’s pitch. This time, he’s wearing a condom costume. As is Solomon. They do a dance to the audience. Lord S is mortified. Mark pitches his idea and starts the coughing again. What is his problem? Drink some water, suck a lozenge, gargle sea-water – anything!

Mark ends his pitch by saying “let me be your front door”. Filthy.

The posh tights bitch woman is at Mark’s pitch too. As is a man dressed as Bono.

In the boardroom, everyone is very laughy laughy. Little does Lord S know that Nick’s about to hand in his resignation. Not so funny now, is it?

The Apprentice 2014

Sarah slags off Bianca’s tights price, which seems a bit rich seeing as she was fired about 67 weeks ago, but clearly has a point because Mark Wright wins, making him the second Apprentice-Named-After-A-Shit-Celebrity to win the show (Ricky Martin).

Anyway, yeah, so Mark wins and says he is very emotional (with all the emotion of a dehydrating cherry).

Who will replace Nick next season? My money’s on Des Lynam.

– A


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