Christmas got in the way of my final 2 Apprentice round-ups, but here’s the first one…
It’s that time again – interviews! The time when Lord Sugar wheels that Claude bloke out from behind his desk on his mobility scooter.
Obviously this part of the process is as unrealistic and unprofessional as ever. All the interviewers have been kept in an underground cave for the past week, chained up, with no daylight and no food, so that they are particularly annoying, much like a caged mountain lion.
Roisin is in tears from the get-go. Her business plan is to make some healthy ready meals that have actually already been invented and have lies written all over the packaging. Solomon’s pitch is something like 1 page long, and is made up of pictures.
Mark Wright goes in to interview with Ricky Martin – there’s an image. Ricky Martin won a couple of years ago, helped along by the fact that he shared his name with the man who gave us “Livin’ La Vida Loca”. Mark Wright has written all over his CV that he is a sales manager but he isn’t and so is branded a deceitful bitch. They then do a telephone role-play which Mark Wright feels compelled to use the phrase “I’ll buy you a coffee” during.
Daniel is still banging on about #HotTubGate and claiming that he was salesperson of the year last year. I literally don’t understand why he continues to claim he is a salesman when he owns a company that arranges bingo matches in back-alley pubs.
Claude Litner rips Daniel and Solomon a new one. Most notable is his treatment of Solomon who he plays mind tricks with. Firstly, he won’t shake his hand. Oh dear. Then he tells him how impressed he is with his CV. Oh, good. The he tells him he’s a “bloody disgrace”. Oh dear. Then he tells him to get the hell out. Oh shit.
Roisin is seen in a lift, looking skeletal, due to the stress of the day. Bianca goes in to see Claudine (who is Claude in a wig) who dissects her character to the point of tears. Bianca is accused of having no personality and being a robotic bitch, but basically thats just what she’s like, so cries in Claudine’s face.
Lord Sugar consults with his bitches and they are all sneeringly rude about the candidates. Lord Sugar then calls the contestants into the boardroom. He fires Roisin because she is too much like last year’s winner, Dr Leah. He fires Solomon because his business plan was written in crayon on the back of a cereal box.
Daniel of course tries desperately to make sure he is in the final two. He STILL hasn’t learnt that claiming you are a great salesman when you ain’t will merely shoot you in the foot, the knees and the face. He is fired – but it’s not all bad because Lord S points out that Daniel has become less of a prick over the weeks.
The final is resultantly between Robot Bianca and Mark Wright from TOWIE. The future’s bright for Britain’s economic climate.