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I have to mention that this post is incredibly late, lest you think I am in denial about it, but let’s not bang on about it, yeah? Merry Christmas to YOU!

So, the final MIC of Season 8 kicks off with Lauren lounging around in bed as if she were posing for someone to carve a Grecian marble statuette of her. She’s in a lavish hotel room, courtesy of Spenny. They’re both in towelled bath robes. It’s probably the kind of hotel that hosts corporate retreats and stuff.

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Jamie’s hosting this years annual-Christmas-party-where-someone-gets-devastated. It’s apparently going to be like Narnia and Neverland have drunk too much, had sex and then thrown up over Christmas. Toff wants to go as a minxy little elf. Toff, you are already one of those, you cheeky little thing. Sam is discussing Tiff and that he reckons she needs more time to forgive him but that she will do eventually. I wouldn’t bank on it Sammy Boy. She’s a Watson. They take shit like that to the grave.

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Speaking of, the Watsons are Christmas shopping (even though this was probably filmed in October) whilst twirling red parasols (umbrellas). They are talking about Spenny and this whole thing where Lauren inadvertently made a throw-away meaningless comment about high-fiving him for cheating on Lucy. Everyone really needs to get over this comment, no? No! “Lauren’s made a mockery of me,” says Lucy. Sure she has, love.

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Token posh Christmas activity # 1: truffle hunting. Some of the MICrew are doing this in a forest with an unknown dog. Seriously, whose dog is that? It sure as hell ain’t Digby or Scrumbles or Henrietta or whatever the rest of the casts’ dogs are called.

Because Cheska and Ollie have inexplicably dropped off the side of the Earth, Jane Felstead now has to hang out with Wheeze’s mum. That’s okay though, because Wheeze’s mum is fabulous. Wheeze is going to Bali for Christmas. Jane says that if Binky ever did that she’d cut her legs off.

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Cat’s out of the bag about the NFL game – aka the Naughty Flirty Liplocking game – where Spenny and Lucy apparently tried to rekindle their love. Lucy denies it with the passion of a trillion suns. Spenny clearly did it though, because he’s bought Lauren air tickets for Christmas. Yeah – on Guilty Airways.

Token posh Christmas activity # 2: Wreath making. Posh wreath making with spruce and Virgininia Creeper sprigs and prunes and eucalyptus and Mark Francis. And bitching. Rosie has had an email by the way, from someone who was stalking Lucy and Spenny at the NFL. Shit.

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Token posh Christmas activity # 3: Ice skating at the Natural History Museum (not that posh really – could’ve gone to Somerset House innit). Will and Fran are all over each other, but Will ends up on his ass (not in the good way). Alex creeps up behind Fran and surprises them (not in the good way).

That night, Andy and Stevie go to listen to a girl who looks like Kelly Maloney (post-reassignment, pre-plastic surgery) sing Silent Night. Apparently Andy’s parents still behave like Santa is real, which explains quite a lot really. Stevie and Andy then make themselves feel better by declaring that everyone in Chelsea is jealous of them. Sure.

Spenny bumps into Steph and Tiff in a bar. They shout at him for his dirty flirty. He then goes and makes sure he’s the first person to tell Lauren about what allegedly happened at the NFL but she insists she trusts him and probably tries to stop herself high-fiving him to be honest.

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At the butchers, Rosie is ordering a big fat fucking turkey. Andy walks in and comments on the size of it (the bird). There’s basically then a very awkward exchange about how they hate each other, whilst the butcher stands between them stuffing sausage into the turkey carcass’ reproductive system.

Lucy now has a kitten. She is playing with it. She’s a bit like a spoilt Victorian child. All she needs now is a tuffet.

In the Thompson household, things are as disturbing and incestuous as ever. Wheeze is wearing a kimono, Sam is wearing a tiny towel, and Alik is dressed in mock-Tudor. Do with that what you will.

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Spenny is spraying himself silver for Jamie’s party. Lucy chooses this moment to pop in and talk to him about all the flirting. His defence: “I’m just a sexy joke guy. I crack a lot of shit”. There’s an image. Lauren enters in a contrasting fur coat to Lucy. Lucy then leaves her hanging with a high-five. Yet Lauren still looks like an Oceanic Water Goddess in the face of humiliation. Spenny tells Lauren how happy he is, through insincerely gritted teeth. Lauren seems annoyed with him, for the first time.

Jesus only knows what this party’s theme is, but Stevie is dressed as a robin and Jamie is dressed as Beetlejuice. Alex is DJ-ing like a dickhead. A masked dickhead.

Fran and Will kiss, much to Binky’s chagrin. Lohan is there – and as irritating as ever, in his stupid berried fascinator.

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Josh 2.0 and Steph are seen disappearing somewhere, probably to have sex behind the bins. Tiff is nice to Sam, which doesn’t suit her. Lauren comments that everyone at the party has made an effort which isn’t true because the extras are pretty much wearing normal clothing. Thank God for soft-focus.

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Lucy has decided to flee the country and so is seen getting into a cab and directing the driver towards Heathrow. Why do they never go to Luton? Or Stanstead for that matter?

Lauren is told about the email that Rosie received (from a member of the production team) about Spenny and Lucy kissing at the NFL. She admits that she now has a seed of doubt implanted into mind, just itching to give birth to a sapling of regret and produce a flower of devastation. Spenny tells her that he loves her to try and deflect the situation, but how can you honestly talk about your relationship with someone when you’re both covered in metallic paint and wearing shrubbery on your heads?

– A

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