Alik’s back from his trip to the states, where he was sorting out his visa, or selling his house, or committing tax fraud or whatever he was doing. Sam is so thrilled that he’s back that he calls him his boyfriend; which is pretty disturbing really. Spenny turns up on the doorstep dressed like Don Corleone, to invite Sam and Alik out on a boys’ night. Wheeze allows it, although is clearly screaming on the inside.

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Binky’s working out with Lonan now. Harlot! How DARE she! Will (who we’d forgotten about, hadn’t we?) is outraged. Fran tells him about it. Perhaps, Fran, you should learn to zip it. Zippitt! She is a stirrer! So is Lonan for that matter, who tells Binky that Sam has cheated on Tiff – again! In his defence, Tiff is as dull as a drawer of plastic spoons.

So Steph hates Lauren. Her precise words are “where’s the girl power? Fuck you Lauren!” which is lovely. This makes life #awks for Spenny and Josh 2.0 who are attempting to have a good ol’ knees up together, but cannot due to the big fat elephant in the room (Steph telling Lauren that Spenny is a cheater cheater compulsive eater). They both passively aggressively slag off each other’s girlfriends and then have a stare-off – it’s Josh 2.0’s crystalline blue eyes vs. Spenny’s black dead pupils.

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Lauren joins the girls for a simultaneous spa day, and I wonder how Wheeze arranged that so quickly seeing as she literally only found out about the boys’ night, like, 4 hours ago. But who cares, because Lauren’s in a bikini and the other girls hate her for it. I think her breasts look a little too supple and buoyant, and so deduce they are implants. Lauren thanks the girls for inviting her with all the sincerity of a toothless beaver.

The boys’ night has ended up in some sort of hotel bedroom with someone handing out canapés, which is a bit weird. Josh 2.0 tells Sam that the cat’s out of the bag RE: his new bout of adultery. Jamie asks him if it’s true, so he swears on his life that it’s not. Jamie then asks him again, and he then admits that it is. He swiftly gets over it by playing poker. The boys are wasted off their heads and Stevie slurs at Josh 2.0 about how Steph has a habit of falling in love with any old tramp that might be walking past.

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Back at the spa, the thing that Lauren said to Spenny last week about high-fiving him for cheating on Lucy has gotten around and all the girls now hate her. “Is she the worst human in the world?” asks Steph. Perhaps a tad strong, but okay.

The boys’ night ends with Jamie tied to a chair, naked and alone. This symbolises his status in the MIC cast now that he has exhausted every possible romantic opportunity and now that the whole McVities thing isn’t funny anymore.

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GENIUS HANGOVER CURE ALERT: Dissolvable painkillers in water, a cappuccino, a vitamin drink, a beer and a bloody Mary. Hell’s yeah, Stevie!!!

Wheeze takes Sam out to give him a good talking to about his roving mouth. This results in both Thompsons crying bitter tears of innocence lost.

Oh yeah. Alik does stuff with leather. It’s clearly in his contract that this must be highlighted once more, so there’s a pointless scene in which he takes Mark Francis and Victoria leather shopping. This scene is pointless. All we really learn from it is that Mark Francis has an oedipus complex and has never been to an E postcode before.

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I do NOT like Lonan. He is clearly trying to get into Binky’s pants. He’s got her swallowing raw eggs and everything. Will comes in and “loses his shit”. He feels humiliated that he brought a work out questionnaire over to Binky’s when she has been committing exercise adultery behind his back. To rub salt into the wound, Lonan is cocky about it all too. He even calls Binky “B”. Will has to leave, quivering and shuddering with distress.

That night, the happy couples go on a triple date and the bitter singles go and watch 3 women singing. Lauren is late for the date, because she is (try to hold back the vomit) working. Andy is over-excited and says he feels sexy. He says he was having eye-sex with the singing girls and that he wants to (try to hold back the vomit) ask them out.

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At the triple date, everyone’s sitting around in silence, slurping their lukewarm bowls of parsnip soup. Steph then makes a cringey announcement about how wonderfully in love she is with Josh 2.0 (after just 6 weeks). The whole “High-Five” scenario resurfaces, which prompts Steph to get wound up by Lauren, who finishes the meal off nicely by high-fiving Spenny out of ironic spite. It’s just plain beautiful.

Meanwhile, Sam goes to Tiff’s to apologise. Her personality seems to be improved when she is left devastated by a man, as she now exudes some of the sass that her sister wears so well. She basically tells Sam that she never wants to see his little face ever again. #told.

Next week’s predictions: It’s Christmas, so that means pine trees, fur coats (worn by Alik), costumes which involve you spraying yourself silver or mounting horns on your head, and matching red umbrellas. And I’m sure there’ll be at least one ice-skating scene.

– A

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