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6AM. Knock at the door. OMG it’s Lord Sugar! Everyone’s in their PJs (including Solomon who only ever seems to wear that hot-pink T-Shirt to bed). Daniel’s on the loo. Filipe is sitting alone in his darkened bedroom eating cereal, staring vacantly at the wallpaper.

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Everyone congregates in the living room and Lord S reveals that it’s that time of year again when everyone has to go all over the city with a yellow pages to find a load of obscurely named items on a laminated print out. Mark Wright suggests he should be a PM seeing as he knows London really well because he’s lived there for about 2 weeks. Ex-Pat arrogance. Ultimately, Daniel leads Tenacity, while Sanjay leads Summit.

One of the items on the list is a diamond. “I’d love to look for that,” says Roisin, with the look of a woman desperate to find a husband on her face. Her and the rest of Summit are desperate to get out and find all the stuff, but Sanjay won’t let them, instead opting to keep everyone at the house crammed over the yellow pages. I think he misses the simplicity of the pre-digital age.

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The other team are already out and about, driving around town with burning desperation in their eyes. Daniel “leaps into a kosher deli with lots of shaloms”, Nick describes. He needs a kosher chicken so all of a sudden decides he is Jewish (also for the benefit of the diamond buying later in the day).

Another item on the list is a fully anatomical skeleton. Solomon can’t say the word “anatomical”. Like, he literally cannot say it. Which doesn’t really bode well for his ability to work for Lord Sugar, or for any future sexual partner. Some woman in a shop tries to get one team to pay five grand for a skeleton. They quite rightly tell her to get fucked.

Filipe has a really good idea. He suggests his team purchase a paper skeleton that comes flat-packed in a box, that Lord Sugar can build himself. This is a great idea and such forward thinking because TECHNICALLY the instructions don’t say anything about the skeleton being life-sized or pre-constructed. Personally, I’d give Filipe the £250,000 right there, if I were Lord Sugar. He’s a genius. A bloody marvellous twat of a genius.

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Sanjay can’t for the life of him think where he can buy scallops. He calls a fish warehouse (that would be my first port of call) who suggests he pop into Sainsbury’s, yeah?

Daniel and Filipe are running across main roads holding hands like a couple of Catholic school girls playing truant. They visit a diamond selling place (I don’t know the proper term for a diamond dealers – a diamonger maybe). Roisin and Sanjay go to the same place. There’s lots of weird shots of them all entering doorways off small corridors on CCTV screens, as if they’re in some made-for-TV version of “The Squeeze”. Daniel and Filipe have a pre-planned routine where they pretend to be getting married (not to each other) rather than just explain they’re on The Apprentice. Daniel plays The Jew Card again to secure a deal on a diamond for under £200. Meanwhile, down the small corridor, Roisin buys a shittier diamond for fifty squid.

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Solomon and Bianca find a skeleton (not flat-packed) and try to do a deal with the guy behind the counter who looks like that bloke from “The IT Crowd”. Solomon fondles the skeleton while Bianca gets 10% knocked off. Meanwhile, Katie and Mark are at a block of council flats to buy some sort of exotic fluid that’s on the list which is more than likely distilled cocaine.

Both teams manage to buy scallops. I personally don’t care for seafood so I don’t know much about scallop buying, but have I missed something here? All of the people selling them are charging loads of money for a few bits of slimy fish. Why are they so expensive? Do scallops hold the meaning of life within their slippery fishiness?

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Boardroom: Lord S tells a really shit joke about someone haggling with a vending machine. It is revealed that this task saw “Daniel become a man”. Evidently, in past tasks, he was a boy/woman/hermaphrodite. Sadly, his team lose, mostly because of the whole skeleton embargo (shock). Despite the entire team praising Filipe’s savvy thought process at the time of skeleton-purchase, they all turn on him an call him a little shit for his mistake. When Nick gets the skeleton out and flops it onto the table, Sanjay can barely contain himself. Daniel’s lips automatically secure themselves into the pursed position. The team all turn on each other. Katie and Mark are told off because they got a piece of rope but didn’t cut it down to 1 metre as per the instructions on the list. “I would have cut it with my teeth,” says Filipe. Is that before or after you thought buying a flat-packed skeleton was going to win you the task, Filipe?

The winners are sent off to Silverstone (not Alicia) It’s all a bit tense for a moment. Daniel’s ears start twitching. Lord Sugar informs them all that The Apprentice is “not free therapy for the deluded” which makes up for his earlier vending machine joke. Filipe is deservedly fired for trying to pull the wool over Lord Sugar’s eyes, and everyone goes back to the house and has a good old laugh at his expense.

– A

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