The boyzzzzz are driving around town in a couple of rental Ferraris. Spenny’s back and he’s driving a sleek, sexual black one. Andy’s driving a frumpy, grubby white one with Jamie #saysitallreallydonesntit

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Alik’s migration over to the UK has, frankly, ruined him. What’s he up to now, I hear you cry? He’s only ruddy wearing a suit with a turtle-neck, consequently dis-accentuating his neck and chin. He’s sitting in a shop, drinking champagne, while Wheeze tries on stuff. So he’s Richard Gere in “Pretty Woman”, only without any erotic magnetism. Basically these two have now become the dull couple of the show, already falling into a routine and wearing necked clothing. Alik – you would have been better to stick to your rugged American ways rather than conforming to the atypical English image, which not even English people adhere to in this age of social media and gastro dining . Anyway, enough of that, it’s getting a bit political all up in here. Binky comes into the shop and tells Wheeze and Alik that Fran “screamed” at her last week. She didn’t really, but okay, sure.

Back with the Ferraris, which is less Lewis-Hamilton-winning-the-F1 and more Justin-Beiber-drag-racing-in-a-back-alley, Spenny tells the nation that he has an actual girlfriend. She’s called Lauren Frazer-Huttom, she’s been to meet the family in Scotland (???) and they’re shagging like racoons. Spenny looks good – but his eyes are a little sunken and vacant and deadened. Who or what is this Lauren and what has she done to him?

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Well, we soon find out when in the next scene we meet her. There she is, sitting at a bar, waiting for Spenny, tits out, lips out, shoulders all over the place. She talks to him with disdain, so perhaps there’s hope for this coupling #probablynot

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Lucy has launched Operation: Ruin All The Relationships Of Her Friends By Finding Irrational Fault In All Of Them (O:RATROHFBFIFIAOT). Firstly she turns her nose up when Sam tries to tell her he is serious about her dull dull sister. Then she explains to Spenny (who is wearing a woman’s coat) that she gets a bad vibe from Josh 2.0. “No-one likes a happy couple.” Quite.

Fran has turned to Alex, of all people, for comfort over the whole Binky situation. It’s kind of weird given that she HATED him when he cheated on Binky and practically camped outside his house with a pitchfork and a flame thrower last season.

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They all go for a “let’s meet Lauren” drink. Lauren’s shoulders are out again, flopping around, falling over themselves, dripping with oestrogen. Andy’s there, laughing a lot as usual, over-compensating for himself, offending my eyes. Spenny introduces Lauren to the guys and then does this very very very very very CREEPY thing where he sniffs her shoulder. It reminds me of that character in Charlie’s Angels (Cameron D and Destiny) who plucks strands of hair from women and smells them. In short – not a good look. Then again, Lauren could simply be wearing cocoa butter body cream and just happens to smell nice.

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Lucy and Josh 2.0 are left together in an awkward moment while Steph gets a drink. He asks her what her fucking problem is, and she tells him that she disapproves of his betrayal of Stevie, which, to be fair, is a good point.

Steph then instigates Operation: Get Back At Spencer By Planting The Seed Of Doubt Into Lauren’s Head (O:GBASBPTSODILH). She is introduced to Lauren and makes sure the first thing she says to her is that Spenny cheated on her when they were together. THEN they go out for drinks, just the two of them. Steph wants to “pass the torch” of warning, like Lucy did to her, and Wheeze did to Lucy before her. In possibly the best thing I have ever seen anyone on MIC do, she reels off a list of things Lauren should look out for. Eg: If he texts her saying “thinking of you” he’s cheating. And if he’s not picking up his phone, he’s cheating. What if he’s dropped it down the side of the sofa and doesn’t hear it ringing Steph?

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Lauren seems quite nice actually, despite her shoulders.

Rosie’s launched a fashion line. Course she has. At the launch, Jamie advises Fran that she take Binky for a walk/dinner/drink/picnic to sort out the issue. But Fran doesn’t get a look in when she bumps into Binky on their doorstep and they literally have a screaming row which involves a slammed door. Thank god there wasn’t a Christmas wreath on it, right?

Alik’s dog is ridiculously cute. That’s not a euphemism.

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They all go to a gig and George is there, pissed again. We love George. Steph tells everyone that Lauren is smug. Not really, Steph, let’s be fair. Binky tells Fran that she doesn’t want to live with her anymore. And Lauren tells Spenny that she would have high-fived him for his past adulterous discretions had she been a man. This one’s a keeper.

Next Week’s Predictions: Has Sam cheated on Tiff; or has he just tried to and failed miserably like last time? I suspect it’s the latter.

– A


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