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This week, the teams have to select a couple of shit items and sell them at an event in the country, and also choose a larger shit item to sell as well. Filipe (yes, he’s still there) is PM for one team and cocky James is PM for the other. Some of the shit items they need to choose from include a self-flushing cat litter box (which I could do with actually (not for myself)) and a flat-cap handbag. FLAT CAP, NOT CAT-FLAP. “You can wave it in people’s faces” is Filipe’s team’s reason to choose this item, with the view to adopt an aggressive sales tactic.

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Both teams pitch to the owner of a hot tub manufacturer, hoping that this will be the large item they sell. Daniel’s tactic is to use the line “we’re infected…we feel the passion” which is just so wrong. Nonetheless, it wins him the bid, because James calls the manufacturer Derek when his name’s actually Anthony. James then chooses to lie to his team about this and tell them he instead “made a business decision” to go with another item. I might start using that excuse when I, for example, want to murder someone.

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Daniel becomes obsessed with selling the hot tubs, but Filipe decides to allocate him handbags and instead sends Mark Wright off to get rid of the hot tubs. Cue Daniel’s weekly tantrum which involves a lot of pursed lips and passive aggressive inner-cheek sucking. Daniel and Mark continue to behave as if they are an unhappy gay couple who can’t move past that time when one of them asked the other one if he fancied a three-way with the guy who works behind the desk at their local Virgin Active. Katie tells them to shut the fuck up and get on with it. Daniel cannot let it go, and rather than even try selling handbags he just bitches at Filipe. They fight over who should be approaching certain customers with the handbags, using reasons such as “I am standing nearer to that woman, therefore I should be selling to them”. It’s magnificent.

This week, James’ misogynistic target is Roisin. He can’t make any sales so chooses to yell at Roisin and tell her to stop undermining him, which she basically hasn’t done at all.

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Daniel and Filipe check-in with Katie and Mark Wright. Daniel continues to bang on about hot tub-gate, which prompts Katie to hang up on him. Daniel actually literally physically might cry. Even more delicious is the fact that Mark Wight then makes a sale of 10 hot tubs in one go. Well done Mark Wright.

A very annoying man approaches the other team and makes a massive fuss over buying a swinging chair. Fame-hungry Media-whore.

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In the boardroom, Lord Sugar accurately points out that it’s flat-cap handbags at dawn when Filipe’s team bicker like a load of old nuns. James is caught out in his lie about the hot tubs and digs a jacuzzi-sized hole. Needless to say, the 10 hot tub sale wins in for Felipe’s team. They are sent off boxing, but Filipe only stands ring-side and doesn’t seem to be allowed to take part. Daniel, on the other hand, takes it too seriously and makes an effort to make a “tshhh” noise when he throws a punch. Tit.

James gets vicious in the board room. He brings Roisin (obvs #womanhater) and Sanjay back in. Sanjay is a bit of a surprise really, as prior to this he and James were practically riding around on a tandem together. Sanjay rambles, James and Roisin both look like they’re about to burst into tears so Lord Sugar puts them all out of their misery and fires James. FINALLY!

Back at the house, Sanjay tells the others that James didn’t go without a fight and that he gave an en-passioned speech. Is “en-passioned” a thing?

– A

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