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Art therapy exists. Who knew? It’s where you basically stand in front of an easel and paint as if you’re a child or a chimpanzee or a thumbless troglodyte. Jamie asks Andy to explain his painting which of course is all about Wheeze. Andy seriously needs to build a bridge and get over it. He tells Jamie that Rosie has been slagging him off, saying that he has been malicious about Wheeze and Alik, and is trying to break them up (which he has and he is). Jamie announces that he’s bought/hired/inherited a country châteaux in France and that a selection of particular people are allowed to come – two of them not being Sam and Tiff. Gutted, Sam, you have to miss out on France to try to sort it out with Tiff the Dullard; The not-quite-Lucy-Watson Watson. Jamie then calls Wheeze to invite her. She’s at the hairdressers when he rings. She picks up her phone but you can still see it’s on the home screen so I think this is one of the SCFOEs (Scenes Created For Our Entertainment). I’ve been wondering when one of these will FINALLY take place!

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FRAN FRAN FRAN FRAN FRAN!

She’s back in town (although apparently she never left as she’s still been residing with Binky, but must have accidentally locked herself in a cupboard for the last few weeks) and she’s got some pep in her step. SHE is the GIRL that SAM spooned in his BED! Well tickle me with a nun’s cattle prod and call me Caroline! She then meets up with The Sisters Watson to discuss. Everyone throws everyone under the bus here. Tiff throws Sam under the bus, Fran throws Binky under the bus, Fran throws Sam under the bus. Then Tiff cries so its all worth it.

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In France, Alik is demonstrating an impressively large baguette, whilst riding a bike to the soundtrack of French trance music.

That night, Wheeze stares coldly at Andy, and Rosie copies her, as they both sport matching furry shawls. Lucy asks Binky why she covered for Fran after Sam/Bed Gate. Binky does the only thing possible and cries; sad tears of a housemate betrayed.

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Back in London, the less important cast members are loitering around like a tramp at Gatwick airport. Fran meets Sam and tells him he’s basically a little bitch. Sam then goes to a dry cleaners and is served by a man/child. Josh 2.0 and Steph meet Tiff and Alex for drinks and Josh 2.0 takes it upon himself to construct a draft text of what Tiff should send to Sam. Um, alright Josh 2.0!  Someone’s settled into Chelsea quickly, haven’t they!? Make yourself at home, why don’t you? If this was someone’s house, he’d have taken off his shoes, pulled up a poof and would be working on his needlepoint by the ruddy fire.

Mark Francis can’t help thinking of a cup of tea as something one serves the trade. I can’t either Marky, let me tell you that right now.

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Back in France, Lucy is playing boule wearing something a secretary would wear if she were trying to sleep with her line manager. Wheeze and Rosie are now standing in different places around the châteaux, still scowling at Andy, who knows full well that he’s annoying them (and us) so is doing that thing he does where he laughs too overly exaggeratedly so that you think his jaw is about to detach itself from his madibular condoyle.

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During a heated altercation outside on the last night, Lucy tells Toff to shut it. Toff – listen to me girlfriend – you really need to tell the Watsons to pipe right down, yeah? Across the rustic, vintage, 17th Century courtyard, Rosie tells off Alik for hanging out with Andy. So she’s basically guilty of what Andy’s guilty of – being far too creepily involved in Wheeze and Alik’s relationship.

Tiff chats to Sam about things and forgives him on the condition that he has a word with Lucy, given that she is Queen of the Planet. Basically, Tiff is milking it, because without this storyline she’d be fucked.

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Surprise Surprise! Alik is breakfasting with Andy, both now being back in London. Wheeze invites herself along, snubs Andy and tells Alik that he needs to choose between the two of them. Lets face it – the magic of this coupling was over the moment she got on that plane at JFK and took off back to Heathrow. It’ll be over by Christmas (4 weeks kids!!!)

Fran appears to have either A) grown some balls or B) just remained bitter from being sent home early from NYC. Either way, she has gotten feisty. She has a row with Binky, which provokes Binky to use the phrase “that is throwing someone under a bus…fucking Fran.” I think she meant to say “fucking bus Fran” not “bus fucking Fran” but you get the gist.

Next week’s predictions: Sam will make a tit out of himself in front of Lucy; Andy will continue to make a tit of himself in front of everyone; and Tits McGee.

Oh and Spenny has a new GF who looks as if someone cloned Millie Macintosh and injected her with a freshly brewed resin of conceit.

– A

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