If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times…


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Hold the phone, bitches. Mrs Wheeze is in da house! We’ve never seen her before have we? She’s clearly jello of Jane Felstead and wants in on the action. She is very MILF-esque and in fact looks like she could literally be Carole Middleton. Carole, is that you? Alik joins them for lunch. They’ve ordered oysters. #inappropriate. He starts talking about the fact that oysters are aphros (disiacs not Caribbean) and says they’re “getting him going”. Don’t listen to this smut, Carole Middleton!

Sam – who oddly came from the ovarian fruits of Carole Middleton’s labour – has apparently Tweeted about a girl. Tiff, therefore, is jealous and suspicious. Tiff is also horrendous. Her Twitter account is now verified. Congratulations Tiff – you’ve done it! You’ve ridden on the coattails of your more entertaining sister’s fame and achieved a lesser version of said notoriety. Now, away with you.

Anyway, back to Sam: Tweeting is Cheating.

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Wheeze says that Andy’s a little bitch when she learns that he’s been slagging her off to anyone who will listen. To be fair, she’s right and he is. Andy then pops round. Why??? Oh, to see Alik. Again – why??? Stop loitering around their relationship like a 17-year-old around a community playground.

Steph and Josh 2.0 are so in love already. They’re in a florist in matching double denim. She tells him that her idea of a great night in would be to lie on the sofa and put mascara on him (Rita Ora?) He’s so excited by this that he embraces her, just at the moment that Stevie happens to walk past. Also wearing denim actually.

There’s a scene where Binky, Wheeze and Rosie get their make-up done and its only worth mentioning because Rosie’s eyes are even massiver than ever! It’s like her mother mated with a bullfrog.

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This episode is very much bout Andy and I hate it. He’s in too many scenes. He and Stevie are “out with the Watson Sistas”. Tiff is talking about her relationship with Sam. She has realised that she cares for him (because without him she wouldn’t get any air time). She says she is going to trust him ’til he gives her a reason not to. Reason: The Tweet.

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Josh 2.0 and Steph go on a double date with Wheeze and Alik. They kiss each other a lot at the dinner table, accentuating the fact that Alik and Wheeze are now an old tired couple and that their magic has faded like the colour in an over-washed bath sheet.

Mark Francis and Victoria are in some shop which is a bit like Pottery Barn for the rich. Mark Francis declares that he wants an octagonal cabinet of curiosities. He’s going to keep poor people in it. Pop it on your Christmas list Marky. Other things to put on there:

1) A mausoleum to be buried in (but not one like Napoleon’s because that’s too nouveaux)

2) Jesus (to watch over his staircase)

Jamie sets up Toff and Sam as a way to make them clear the air after last week when Sam threw Toff under the bus for the sake of Tiff. Toff is nice about it. Too nice!  They sort it out and Sam winks at Toff. “Don’t wink at me,” Toff scolds, “you are such a naughty boy!” Don’t let Tiff hear you talking like that Toff. She’ll get Lucy to come over and do another impression of you.

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Josh 2.0 is working out and its pretty hot. Andy is too and it’s absolutely repulsive and laughable. Actually, Andy is looking a bit like Harry Styles these days. I of course mean how Harry looks at the moment, which is basically like a long-haired crack head.

Stevie, who can’t cope with the Steph/Josh 2.0 scenario for much longer, meets Steph in a bandstand in the rain and it’s all very autumnal. It’s like a Winona Ryder/Matthew McConaughey movie, before he started doing well and she didn’t. Stevie has clearly set this meeting up to try to goad Steph away from Josh 2.0, but oh dear…she tells him she wants to get serious with Josh 2.0. Ouch. This slaps Stevie round the face two ways from Wednesday.

Jamie’s having his weekly themed party for no reason. George is there and he’s pissed again. Victoria says this: “One doesnt fuck the help” Mark Francis says this: “I’d probably be quite good with a castanet”

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Sam tells Tiff about the reasons behind the Tweet. Apparently he let the girl in question sleep in his bed. Lest, the did not have the sex. Yet, he felt the need to broadcast the eventuality via social media. Tiff says: “you told Toff before me?” Surely that’s not the bigger problem here Tiff. She is FUMING. She’s nasty, I can tell. Lucy then gets involved and the pair of them lay into Sam like the sisters from The Shining.

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Rosie is dressed as The Phantom of the Opera. Wheeze tells Andy that she’s sorry but she just does not like him. YES Wheeze! You tell that crack addicted poor man’s Harry Styles to bugger off.

Stevie approaches Josh 2.0 and Steph. He just cannot do this any longer. It’s too too hard. We love Stevie on this blog, we do. He says his piece, all of which is totally within his right and fair enough and accurate and justified, and then he leaves them alone. Despite Josh 2.0’s nice face, he is a backstabbing, treacherous prick, and he further accentuates this by deciding to snog Steph’s lips right away, totally rubbing the nation’s nose in it.

Next week’s predictions: Two words: FRAN = DRAMA! (does that “=” make it three words?)

– A


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