The Apprentice candidates like to throw around a lot of shit analogies. What’s tragic is that they are rarely ever clever or make sense. This episode starts with someone saying something about getting rid of the dead wood, to which James The Fool responds “it’s more than just dead wood. It’s dead trees”. Good one!
This week is board games. Pamela is chosen to be PM on one team because no-one wants to do it, least of all her, but the Australian gets away with it by declaring that he wouldn’t be right for the role given that he has no family. There’s either a very sad story behind that, where his parents’ house was destroyed in a tornado, or they just disinherited him because he was arrogant. James leads up the other team.
This is Solomon’s idea for the board game:
“The kid chooses a category, so it could be like, I choose a category of ‘beach’. Then the kid will go out of the room and have to choose an emotion. So it could be ‘anger’. He has to come in and act the ‘anger’ emotion in a ‘beach’ scenario. And the rest of the group guess what the emotion is.”
Question: if they have to just guess the emotion, what’s the whole point of having a beach involved? And why would anyone be angry on a beach? And how did you get chosen to be on The Apprentice?
Mark Wright the Australian suggests they produce a game centred around the biggest thing people look at online. No, not porn – relationships. Pamela does a vox pop where she says she took on the role of PM because this is her passion. Er, no, you didn’t want to be PM at all sweet cheeks. Her team go off to do some focus grouping and they run the relationship game idea past a group of geeks who live in their mothers’ basements and have not touched a breast for the last 7 years. They think it’s a sleazy idea. Mark Wright declares that he “does not want a brand that’s sleazy”. Mark Wright – you ARE a brand that’s sleazy. Maybe YOU should be a bored game.
Daniel is given the task of writing the questions so he sits down and decides precisely what all men and women like/don’t like/feel/do/think as if we are a planet of artificially created robots who don’t have our own opinions, thoughts, feelings.
On the other team, James’ female target of choice this week to argue with is Bianca. They have a row in the kitchen like its a domestic abuse skit. James tells her that he wanted her on his team so he can see what she is “all about.” Not being funny James, but Lord Sugar selects the teams, so how’d you work that one out?
The questions Daniel writes for his Relationship Guru game have been talked about in the press a lot. Some say they’re offensive. Some say they’re sexist. I just say they’re weird. Like, has Daniel ever interacted with the opposite sex at all? Ever? He must be a terrible, terrible lover. My favourite is “How do women prefer to be asked out: Text, E-Mail, Tweet?” Apparently the answer is Tweet!?!?!?!?!?! WTF????? Who has ever, in history, Tweeted someone to ask them out? Firstly you only get 140 characters. And secondly, surely you meet someone and exchange phone numbers before going “oh hi yeah what’s your Twitter name?”. This BuzzFeed article analyses the other questions, it’s worth a click.
Bianca is an idiot and sells about 3 of the other team’s games (which is some educational Geography bollocks) to a tiny toy shop owned by probably Geppetto, and grants them exclusivity to the entirety of Westminster. What’s more, she keeps saying West-Minister. She may as well given them the worldwide rights to it.
Mark Wright’s pitch is centred around bringing dating offline and back into the real world. So instead of popping onto Tinder, doing a few swipes and setting up a shag for the night, he suggests people trawl the streets with a board game your arm, asking strangers to play with you, like you’re some sort of creepy pervert. Nonetheless, Toys R Us make an order. And my childhood is resultantly destroyed!
Pamela’s response to the rest of her team, who are all mortified at Daniel’s questions, is that they are just “covering their own asses”. How, Pamela? The questions are shit. They’re probably actually trying to point this out now so that you don’t lose the task sugar lips!
But lose the task they do. The other team go off to kick balls at David Seaman, who doesn’t have a moustache these days.
Pamela brings Lauren and Daniel back into the board room because they sit on the fence – which doesn’t make sense because Katy and Filipe don’t talk at all, which is the epitome of “sitting on the fence”, whilst Bianca and Mark are very vocal. Anyway, more fool on Pammy. She does fifty hail Marys to the holy virgin and is fired. Not even Mary can save you this time honey pie!