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I don’t care for the AA in this year’s batch of contestants. AA stands for Arrogant Australian. His name also happens to be Mark Wright which means no-one in the UK can truly look at him seriously as a man of industry.

Anyway, said AA is particularly arrogant because he starts this week’s episode by throwing around sentences like “the process starts now”, so as to suggest that the contestants that were in it up til now were worthless (which they were but that’s not for Mark Wright to judge)

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The good thing about Mark Wright is that he argues a lot with Conceited Daniel, and they are on the same team now. So this week, when the teams are given the task of setting up their own coach tours, they bicker about the best kind of excursion to put on. Daniel is PM so he gets final say, which is just even more delicious to watch. They row about things like how much to charge to take someone up the river (in a boat). Whilst one says £100, the other argues for the sake of it by suggesting £99.50. I bloody love it.

James is a fool, so fits quite well with his team’s tour of Canterbury. He is a bitch to Jemma, who is the one with the glasses, and shouts over her a lot. He seems to have a row with a different woman each week. Mysogynist, clearly. He seems to think he can get a discount rate a Hever castle but the woman there is having none of it. She’s a bit like a modern day Anne Boleyn.

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Over at Blenheim, Bianca is obsessed with the fact that Winston Churchill’s parents made sweet sweet political love in the bedroom there and says that “this is where the Winston Churchill was born” as if Churchill was just an idea or epiphany or concept, rather than a human being.

Solomon attempts to sell tour tickets by pinpointing and preying on young girls (overage, don’t worry).

Pamela, who rightly observes incompetence but is extremely irritating says “fecking” a lot. A LOT! Yeah, alright, we get it Pam, you’re Irish.

The candidates wear waistcoats on the challenge which makes them look more like cater waiters.

The Apprentice Ep 5 - Felipe on a boat - Embargoed 00_01hrs 5th November 2014

James/Sanjay/Jemma’s tour is more like they’re on a bus to Vegas, complete with recitation of “Three men went to mow, went to mow a meadow”. On said bus, James pretty much tells the customers to sit down and shut up, and that they’re not allowed to use the loo at the back because someone’s clogged it up. Nice. They stop off at Hever castle so that Jemma can give her guided tour, during which she makes up her own opinion as to why Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn didn’t work out. She also references a chest that Henry VIII owned but rather than point it out says “if you can find that chest, look at it”. Back on the bus, Sanjay gives a potted history of Kent:

“Back in the olden times, that’s kind of what Kent looks like, it’s sort of most similar as we have today, as what we had back then…”

Karren gets cross at the moment that the same team lead her and their tour down Canterbury high street, spending more time outside Poundland than anything remotely historic.

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Meanwhile the other team have dressed Filipe up in a boating outfit (not a Fat Daddy) and got him to talk to a load of people about what you can do in Cambridge or wherever they are. “You can do an MA here,” he says. Yeah, obvs, Filipe.

Whilst Daniel’s team serves up flaccid wet sandwiches, the Canterbury team dress their customers up in outfits only for them to run out of time learning about the Canterbury Tales and force them all back on the bus where about half of them seem to pass away quietly in their sleep.

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Of course Daniel is pursed-lipped in the board room, and tries to behave a bit as if he were Danny Dyer. His team win though. “I’d rather win ugly than loose being liked,” says Daniel. Mission achieved then. The treat is abseiling, during which everyone just argues more with bitter Daniel. Surprised no-one cuts the abseil chord actually.

Sanjay, who is team leader of the loosing team, is clearly in love with James. He laughs at EVERYTHING he says and does, and looks at him with absolute awe, despite the fact that James is neither funny nor awe-inspiring. Because of this, he does not bring James back into the boardroom and poor old bespectacled Jemma is canned like a tin of plum tomatoes. Three men indeed went to mow a meadow!

– A

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One thought on “The Apprentice S10 E5: “If Anne Boleyn’s neck was as thick as yours, she’d still be alive”

  1. Pingback: The Apprentice X 3 | Drew Drawls...

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