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Wheeze is in a strategically placed lying down position, so as to give the impression that she has taken to her bed in shame for her drunken tonguing. Ro-Ro comes over to console her over the sitch with Alik. They do the only thing they can really do in this scenario – blame Binky.

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Meanwhile, Alik is opening his broken heart up to Andy and Stevie. Andy claims that he is “watching himself”, which is his manipulative attempt at instigating Phase 4 in Mission: Destroy Alik & Wheeze. You see, if Andy starts sewing the seeds of doubt into Alik’s American brain, he can then endeavour to swoop in and have Wheeze for himself. Although firstly he’ll need to convince her that he is not hideous. Note: Andy has delusions of grandeur. To think he is “watching himself” would suggest that he is charismatic and attractive, like Alik. Which he ain’t.

These three then do the only thing they can really do in this scenario – blame Binky.

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Sam is having lunch with Tiff, who I firstly think is Lucy. They are looking a bit similar these days. Too similar. I litch thought Lucy had gone bottle blonde. Sam is talking some bollocks about being the VP of Candy Kittens. Yeah, if VP stands for Verbose Prat. Toff and Jamie enter and Toff makes a few cheeky comments about these two. Tiff is hard-faced. She does not like Toff’s commentary. She is stern. Tiff is a stern stern woman. The nation doesn’t like her.

Victoria and Mark Francis seem to be reading a giant spell book. If Mark Francis were a book, he’d be the bible. Yes, you would, Mark Francis. Victoria would be a lightweight pamphlet.

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Andy has nothing to offer anymore to this show, so he unleashes his party trick of balancing a spoon on his nose. He and Lucy talk about Steph and Josh 2.0, and how this will upset Stevie seeing as he is really good friends with Josh 2.0. Even though he only met him last week.

The boys are playing archery (do you “play” archery or do you “do” archery?) and for a moment I decide I now like Small Sam Thompson. I watch as he thwarts his bow toward the bullseye, and think to myself “he’s so harmless, bless him.” BUT – later in the episode he annoys me, so I am back to thinking he’s a VP.

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Tiff, meanwhile, is LYING THROUGH HER TEETH. She’s telling the girls that Sam and her have kissed, but that he kept kissing her on the cheek whilst she wanted him to kiss her on the mouth. You lie, Tiff. You lurched away from him last week when he tried to kiss you on the golf course. You lurched like a lurching omen, retreating from the light of day. Then she gets all pissy at Toff because she is apparently a private person. WHY ARE YOU ON MIC THEN, TIFFFFFFFFFF?? Stop hating on Toff, yeah?

Lucy says she hates the word “sex”. #prude.

Proudlock is very much up for bitching at Josh 2.0, over this whole Steph/Josh 2.0/Stevie thing. He is all “mate, you knew Stevie had a history with Steph” and “brother, that’s really out of line” and “dude, do you want to buy a T-Shirt”.

Alik confronts Binky as to why she didn’t immediately spread the gossip that Wheeze might have kissed a guy and then watched Disney films with him the next day. In retort, Binky plants the seed that Wheeze might have consciously kissed said guy the next day, rather than during her blackout the evening before, whilst they were watching Disney films. Alik is stressed. Wheeze can’t remember. I would like to know which Disney film they watched.

Oh, Aladdin.

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Drama in the shoe shop: Stevie calls Steph disrespectful for fancying Josh 2.0. She then does what she does best and drops the A Bomb (asshole). She then does a double-whammy and throws in a P Bomb (prick). Stevie then cries. He cries in a shoe shop.

Sam tells Toff that he had a sleepover with Tiff and that he “didn’t lunge”. I think he means that he didn’t go in for some under-the-covers mouth action, but of course we all imagine another type of lunge altogether and throw up in our mouths a little bit.

The dinner party that follows is full of disdain. Lots of sour faced looks. Proudlock is wearing an army print blazer which just does not work. Jamie, who has nothing to lose these days, decides to reference Steph and Josh 2.0’s relationship and then tells them off for publicly flirting. Lucy then goes all Betty Boothroyd on our asses and chairs an over-the-table discussion about how Josh is clearly selfish and horny.

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Andy and Proudlock have a pep talk with Alik (who is not sitting next to Wheeze). Andy informs him that she will not change and Alik is in for a world of shit. “That’s it from my side,” says Andy. WHO ASKED FOR YOUR SIDE ANDY???

Oh NO! Everyone is nasty to Toff. The bastards. She doesn’t rise to it, naturally. Lucy does some sort of weird impression of Toff and decides to announce that she has no right to talk about Tiff, because she is younger than her. Tiff sits there, basking in the glory of herself, only to have the smirk wiped off her face when it is announced that Sam has been talking about the time they slept in the same bed but didn’t touch each other. Dear lord, someone fetch a nun! Then Sam throws Toff under the bus, which makes me go back to thinking he’s small and irritable. He and Tiff belong together.

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An elephant then traipses through the room in the form of Alik and Wheeze. Binky and Alik have a row across the table in which she calls him an “arrogant twat”. He then cries. So does Wheeze. They leave the room. Rosie’s eyes look like they’re about to pop out. And Andy is called a tosser (which is true).

Outside, Wheeze and Alik clear the air. “I’m the one that should fear losing you,” she says. How very Austen.

Next week’s predictions: Andy will instigate Phase 9 of Mission: Destroy Alik & Wheeze only to come across as even more of an asshat. Steph and Josh 2.0 will properly start to date, but I have foresight as my friend Benny saw them in Westfield (Stratford) yesterday holding hands.

– A

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