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Sorry, once again, for the lateness of another MIC blog. I’ve been busy featuring on TV and stage simultaneously.

Ok so: Sophie is clay pigeon shooting. In tartan. F**king fabulous!

New boy alert. No, not Lonan. He’s been in it for weeks, remember. This boy is called Josh. There used to be another boy called Josh in the show, who once threw a hissy fit in Phoebe’s face, but he was axed without a sideways glance from any of the producers. This new Josh is “in hotels”. Spenny says that he is also “in hotels” and that they are going to have some fun together. Methinks Spenny’s got his eye on another orgy recruit, now that Alex is trying to seek penance from the God’s of sexual depravity.

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Then they all do tai chi like a bunch of twats.

Wheeze and Rosie observe that Binky only ever attracts hot guys who don’t happen to come attached to an interesting personality. As if on cue, the next scene sees Lonan and Will in a cafe with Alex. These three are a trio of handsome yet dull boys. If they all stand in a triangular formation at Stonehenge, they will evoke the ancient god of vanilla attractiveness, and the earth will begin to implode. Anyway, luckily they’re not at Stonehenge. Alex explains that he has literally just popped out of the shower to come for a coffee. We don’t care, Alex, thanks. Lonan gets a bit bitchy at Alex, because its apparently his fault that Binky dumped Will at his 14th birthday party last week. No, Lonan, Will’s just not got the X Factor, yeah?

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Lucy should probably change her phone settings because she receives a text from someone who “needs to tell her something about Wheeze and Alik”, but the top of the text doesn’t say who sent it. Probably the production mobile that the researchers take out with them on reccees in Buckinghamshire, which they use to call the production manager on if they accidentally cross the border into Bicester. Anyway, apparently this gossip is that Wheeze cheated on Alik. Well slap my legs and call me Horace!

Andy’s a little bitch. He comments to Alik that Wheeze can be a ticking time bomb. I suggest, Andy, that you stop loitering around Alik and Wheeze’s house in the hopes that you’ll accidentally walk in on them shagging, only for them to ask you to sit on the ottoman and watch.

Sam and Tiff go on a boring miniature golf date (this is to make Sam look taller). They have zero banter. Sam can’t get a hole in one. In many ways.

Steph is back in Chelsea, fresh from her time on Celebrity Big Brother. She has got herself an apartment here because Chelsea is where her heart is. She tells Stevie and Proudlock this. Proudlock has come to support Stevie so that he won’t do anything silly like allow himself to be happy with Steph. He does a crap job at it though, as he leaves before Steph has even had time to peruse the ruddy menu. Steph and Stevie then agree to just be friends. May I ask “why?” She’s got a place over here, you can be together now, you silly tarts.

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Toff’s put her skirt on back to front, which over excites Jamie and Andy who are both desperate for the touch of a woman. They decide that it will be a fun idea to call Sam, whilst he’s on his date with Tiff, and pester them. Over the phone, Jamie suggests Sam “lunges” for Tiff so as to kiss her. So he tries it. She literally flinches away from him with utter disgust. But Sam retorts with an excellent comeback: “at least we know you’re a Watson” Well done Sam, my respect levels have raised in your favour.

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Alex has written Binky a letter and, damn it, it’s all a bit cute and adorable and attractive and our icy hearts are starting to melt slightly on the Alex/Binky front.

Sophie’s having another Bavarian birthday party (BBP). She must be the Queen of Germany, because she had another BBP earlier this year, in April, as you will note from this blog post. You’ll also note that I didn’t listen properly and called it a Bolivian birthday party, which Victoria tweeted me about and corrected me. Got it right this time though, eh Vic? Soph, my BFF, is looking exceptional at her BBP, and Binky points out that she has her titties out. “I love it,” says Sophie with Germanic pride.

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Steph gives Josh 2.0 the glad-eye. He comes over to her to say hello. He explains that he has a British Bull Dog puppy, named after Margaret Thatcher and invites Steph to come over one day to give his dog a bone.

Binky isn’t really in costume, but that’s okay because she’s stressed about the letter Alex gave her. Rosie practically orgasms to learn that she has the letter with her, so she gets it out to read it. It looks a bit like Alex has written it with a 17th Century quill. It’s not that great TBH. Same old same old. I’m sorry, I feel guilty, yadda yadda. Then Alex catches them reading it. I would be a bit annoyed actually, if someone was bandying around a letter I’d written them at a European themed soiree. Alex and Binky then chat. He clearly hopes she will say “oh bugger it, lets give it another whirl, eh lad?” but she doesn’t.

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The next day, Josh 2.0 calls Steph, who is casually lounging around in her silk neglige. He asks her out properly and she accepts with a cheeky grin. Somewhere out there, Stevie’s eye begins to twitch.

Lucy does the neighbourly thing and pops over to Wheeze’s to inform her of the fact that she apparently cheated on Alik in a drunken stupor. Wheeze has no recollection of it. But who cares, because apparently this happened before Alik got to Chelsea. So Lucy, pipe down.

Next week’s predictions: Stevie will get unreasonably annoyed at Steph’s decision to date Josh 2.0, rather than sit in her new Chelsea apartment wearing a mourning shawl, looking out over the rooftops and dabbing her tears away with an antique kerchief.

– A

Just for fun, here’s the alternate camera angle from when Sam tried to kiss Tiff, which she dodged as if Sam was a bullet and she was J Edgar Hoover:

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