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Spenny, Jamie, Lucy and Stevie are at Eton. It would seem Proudlock and the boys went to school there, so they’re having a good old bitch for old times sake. Eton is really close to where I live, and also to where I do most of my bitching. It’s quite scathing…the terms “dick”, “liar” and “dark side” are bandied about. The trouble is, I don’t really listen to what they’re saying because I’m too distracted by how miniature Jamie is looking these days. Tiny tiny boy.

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Victoria has arranged a date with wide-mouthed George. I like George FYI. Partly for what he does later in the episode (keeeeeeeep on reeeeeeading). The very very strange thing is that Victoria has brought Mark Francis on the date too. You’re happy to eat hot dogs without him, Victoria, why can’t you ride with boys without him. That’s not a euphemism, she is actually riding with George. A horse, mind you. After dismounting, Mark Francis states that she is just like Jane Eyre…only naughtier. Oh, please. Even Jane Eyre wouldn’t have brought another man on her date with Edward Fairfax Rochester, despite the fact that he has a mentally unstable wife locked in the attic. Anyway…BOMBSHELL! Victoria has fallen out with Sophie, my BFF. What the frig? She calls her a witch. A seasonal witch! And a brown snake! Not a Neotropical tree boa. Not a Shovel-nosed water snake. Not even a Stiletto snake! No! A regular, common, brown snake. Well, the joke’s on you Victoria, because a brown snake is not as ordinary as you might think. Behold:

“The eastern brown snake (Pseudonaja textilis), often referred to as the common brown snake, is a species of venomouselapid snake of the genus Pseudonaja. This snake is considered the world’s second most venomous land snake based on its LD50 value (SC) in mice. It is native to Australia, Papua New Guinea, and Indonesia.”

What do you make of that, Victoria? SECOND most venomous in the WORLD! Get your Pseudonaja textilis right, eh?

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Oh no. Alik says “Edinburgh” like this: “Edinboro”. Elsewhere, Wheeze is still stressed about the rumour that he stuck his tongue down the oesophagus of another. So Binky advises her to “shove it right in the bud”. AND to sort it out quickly.

The boys all go out on a weird night of drinking that sees half of them not really talking to the other half. Cue lots of Shakespearean asides and intentional looks of disgruntlement. They are all told to do a choreographed shot of booze before separating into two halves and having a good old gossip. I’ve noted that Spenny hasn’t got a love interest so far in this season. I think he might have turned to liking men. He chats to Alex about Binky going on a date with Will. He positively undresses Alex with his eyes and comments on his “nice little bod”, before listing why Will is so great and that he has beautiful eyes. I think that perhaps Spenny and Alex’s ten-some orgy last year was more of a two-some. That’d be a good plot twist, wouldn’t it kids?

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Will takes Binky to the aquarium, where he sets up a small table with champagne on it in front of the jellyfish. Then he takes one of those fortune telling fish and places it on her hand. He asks if she had a good time, and the fish curls up in repulsion to signify that she didn’t. Binky laughs it off, but it’s the cold hard truth. But there’s no point telling him that yet…it would be better to wait for, say, his birthday.

Sophie is dining with the girls and I love it. I tweeted her about the whole Victoria fiasco. She has consequently invited me to dinner with her and the rest of the girls and if it doesn’t happen I might cry. They bitch about Proudlock. Back on the boys’ night, they also bitch about Proudlock (even though he’s there). Proudlock’s name is mud! It is so mud, it couldn’t be muddier. It’s literally a squelching mound of soil. It couldn’t be more mud if it was hoed from the earth, placed in a compost heap, transferred onto the back of a tractor, disposed of into a sty of pigs, whisked up in a bowl and then used to give someone a facial. MUD!

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Jamie is still banging the “Alik’s joke about cheating on Wheeze wasn’t actually a joke” drum. It’s because he has run out of girls to try and have a storyline with so he needs something else. Then he argues with Proudlock and insists that he admit he has been dishonest before running off like a 9 year old girl who’s just been told she can’t have a roller-disco birthday party.

Rita Ora really annoys me. I’m irritated by the fact that she’s on the Rimmel sponsorship bumpers. Maybe she’s born with it? Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Alik is writing a shit song at Wheeze’s house and sees Andy walking past the window. He invites him in. Why are these two being all nicey nice now? That’s dull. Also, the cast are getting considerably worse at pretending to be walking somewhere and being taken by surprise when someone they know calls out to them. Weren’t they taught this in finishing school. Andy explains to Alik that the nights out they go on aren’t usually drama-fuelled. Um, yeah they are.

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Jamie and Sam lie together. Literally not sexually.

Proudlock goes out for drinks with his new boyfriend Stevie. He has scraped his hair back for the occasion. He sort of cries a bit.  Weak, structured reality, robotic tears.

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O.

M.

G.

Anna-Louise is over from NYC. Jane is with her girls. They’re “getting on it”. They’re talking boys and sex and willies. The world skips for joy on its axis. Binky admits she ain’t feeling the Will thing. I agree. On paper, he’s perfect. But he doesn’t really have a personality, has stars tattooed behind his ear and brings floppy fish with him on a date. A-Lo asks if Binky’s seen it? She does not mean his willy, as A-L is one classy broad. THEN, they bump into Will and bloody Lonan, outside a church. This is God’s way of trying to coax love between Will and Binky. Not gonna happen, God! Will, clearly nervous to meet J-Fel and A-Lo blurts out the word “FISH” all of a sudden. It’s not going well. Jane wants to go to Will’s birthday. Binky says she can’t. Jane, you can come on my night out with Sophie.

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Alik sings Wheeze a song. Andy sits there and listens too, which is hideous. He pretends to play the drums to make matters even worse and to accentuate the fact that his music career is shit. in actual fact he just looks like he’s having a seizure. He also shouldn’t wear those ripped jeans. The song consists of the line: “We could grow old doing dishes.” If I were Wheeze I’d point out that I have a dishwasher (because lets face it, the girl don’t do dishes). Andy leaves and Wheeze goes about shoving it right in the bud. For some inexplicable reason, Alik still has the text that the whore from the other night sent him. So Wheeze ruddy well rings her! Or at least pretends to for the sake of entertaining us saps at home.

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At Will’s party, George betrays Victoria by telling Sophie precisely what was said behind her back. Snake, witch, seasonal – all of it. Then they say “bonk” a lot.

Proudlock tries to make some apologies. You can tell when he’s stressed out because he does this reverse handed neck scratch. Stevie stands in the background and mutters something about girls being beautiful but complex. Alright, thanks Stevie, yeah?

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Binky dumps Will. Happy birthday to you.

Turns out Victoria thinks Sophie is an ACTUAL witch and that it wasn’t just a figure of speech like the time she called Cheska a “big fat f**king fat turkey”. Victoria thinks that Sophie has been doing black magic on her. WTF? This ain’t an episode of “Charmed” love. Remember “Charmed”? I miss “Charmed.”

Next week’s predictions: Alex writes Binky a letter (proving that he can actually use a pen, dictionary and thesaurus) and she smiles about it, so I think the thaw might be melting there a bit which is a dangerous dangerous game. Sophie will invite Victoria into her coven and they’ll evoke the spirit of the late Oscar de la Renta. Proudlock and Lucy will continue to dance around the mulberry bush.

***REMEMBER, IF YOU WATCH “THE APPRENTICE”, I WRITE A WEEKLY BLOG ABOUT THAT TOO. AND THAT’S EVEN EASIER TO BE SARDONIC ABOUT BECAUSE EVERYONE IN IT IS A MORON. FIND IT HERE.***

– A

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