This week’s episode is almost too easy to rip the piss out of that I feel slightly cheap by actually posting about it. Kudos to the BBC for totally abandonning the idea of matching Lord Sugar up with a prospective business associate when casting this season and instead filling the boardroom with a group of people who couldn’t watch paint dry…in a…paint drying room. Whatever.
This week’s task is about creating a YouTube channel. Now bare in mind that the majority of YouTube stars today are all about 17 and produce their content from their bedrooms. Yes, they all have access to a plethora of expensive production equipment because their parents are either A) rich B) playwrights or C) rich and playwrights, but still.
So Solomon and Ella-Jade are put in charge of each team. Solomon is PM because he works with online content. Ella-Jade is supposedly knowledgable about TV production. Not only is Ella-Jade’s hair horrendous, but she has all the editorial savvy of a parsnip farmer in South-West Devon. She is quoted as saying “I am who I am; I am Ella-Jade.” Yeah, and Ella-Jade is a moron. She decides on an exercise channel, featuring a fitness segment called “Fat Daddy Fitness Hell.” I mean, just don’t even talk to me right now.
Meanwhile, Solomon’s team decide on a food channel. They call it “Dare To Dine” and allocate the two more attractive candidates, James and Roisin, to be the faces of the channel. James takes his clothes off (obviously) and is naked under an old “Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook” apron, found in a back cupboard at the BBC. The problem here is that James looses all sex appeal when he begins to talk, move and breathe.
The fundamental mistake that both teams make is that they try to make “funny” videos, when collectively they possess all the comedic gusto of a fleet of whale butchers. One team’s MO is to feature James trying to eat a banana with just his facial muscles, and the other’s is to objectify Filipe and alienate anyone with a self-worth disorder. Really, neither are the best ideas are they kids?
Both teams pitch their channels to Buzzfeed who basically laugh AT the videos, but the poor lambs think they’re laughing WITH them. Stephen pitches the Fat Daddy concept, and does so in a high pitched, rambling manner, through slightly pursed smiling lips. He uses the phrase “in the battle of the bulge, humour is key, to show that there’s hope.” No it’s not.
The food channel’s tagline is “daring foods, crazy reactions”. Yep.
Daniel, who I have previously loathed due to his clear delusions of grandeur, seems to understand that the whole concept is a horrible horrible idea and that Ella-Jade wouldn’t know how to work a video camera if one walked up to her and said “hi, I’m a video camera, here’s my on button, go on, press it.” He observes that Buzzfeed “genuinely liked the concept, the only problem was the offensive part.” Needless to say, neither team gets backing.
In the boardroom, Lord S calls James a pillock. He HATES him. The lesser of two pure unadulterated evils – aka “Dare To Dine” – wins the task; and Solomon’s team get to go to Iceland. Kerry Katona is there and everything.
Ella-Jade brings back Sarah and Stephen and continues to reel off some of the worst constructed sentences known to God:
“Sarah, do you know what, stop passing the blame to be honest with you.”
“I’m not 100% expertise in that field of what goes viral very quickly.”
“The essence was trying to be funny, so we were trying to utilise the essence of Filipe’s comedy.”
“I have been absolutely in a job all my life.”
“I am setting my own essentially company up from scratch.”
“I will do my ultimate aim to prove you that I can be your business partner.”
These are humdingers.
Anyway, whatever, they all get fired. Too right. Sarah and Stephen leave with dignity but Ella-Jade practically falls to her knees, grabs Lord Sugar’s ankles and grasps on for dear life while he drags her along the floor as he walks to his Bentley.
Lord Sugar – I will launch a media company for you. Yeah?