Who’d have thought it! Alik is a rosé drinker! He’s a frowning, eyebrow raising rosé drinker. He’s having a drink with Wheeze, fresh off the back of the news that he is actually a lying, cheating, adulterous rosé drinker. Wheeze doesn’t know yet though, although Small Sam is striding across the park as they speak to tell her. Luckily, Alik is leaving, so that Binky and Wheeze can have a chat about Binky’s recent sexual workout with Will.
Rosie wants a vespa. Oh Rosie, there are better things you can be riding.
Spenny takes Jamie out to devastate him a bit. In a nice double blow, he announces to him that Lucy and Proudlock are dating (which isn’t strictly the case) and that Proudlock is going to move in with Stevie. Jamie is all “but they’ve known each other for 3 months”. Um, Jamie, no they have not! MIC has been on for like 4 years. This is season 8, girlfriend, get with the program. Unless of course Chelsea is positioned on the axis of a time loop in which history stands still. Or perhaps Proudlock has the lifespan of a tortoise.
Alik has left Wheeze and Binky to chat. He is probably either seeing the sights of London or flopping around on top of another woman. Sam enters, with mud on his shoes from the war path, and drops the bomb that Alik is a cheating, lying, dirty fish. Sorry, but don’t Sam and Wheeze live together? You’d think he’d of told her that morning over their matching bowls of Oats So Simple.
Mark Francis secretly invites Geroge the horse boy to join him and Victoria for a drink. I think George has already been on the beers, son. He is looking rather glazed over and wide-mouthed. They start talking about swimming which at first I think is a poor choice for first date chat but they manage to make it dirty:
Victoria: “What’s your favourite stroke?”
George: “My what? Murder sock?”
Victoria: “Favourite stroke! Mine’s breast”
George: “Not doggy…paddle?”
Proudlock and Lucy are playing ping pong and giggling like a couple of 14 year olds at a rec centre on a Saturday afternoon in Newcastle city centre. Then they hook up. But we don’t see it.
Wheeze confronts Alik and he denies his betrayal with vehemence. He shouts in her face. Wheeze explains that she could “literally really be sick” and that Jamie heard Alik bragging about sexing someone other than Wheeze on a night out. Here’s his explanation:
“The only thing I can possibly think of on that day is Jamie mis-heard a joke we’d made earlier that night about being young on a dance floor making out with people and just doing shit on a dance floor.”
Lonan has settled right into being on Made In Chelsea. He may as well unpack his grandmother’s antique lamp, put on his house coat and empty a new packet of mini battenbergs into the cake tin. He’s playing golf with Will, talking girls and swinging his club around like he owns the place. No-one likes arrogance Lonon. Check ya’self.
Jamie is pretending he knows how to type on a computer when Alik comes to see him at his office. He is not happy about the dirty rumours that Jamie has been sprinkling about the place. Alik defends himself further by explaining that “boys talk about pussy”.
Andy tells Lucy that Proudlock has been getting with other girls. A silent tear descends her milky cheek.
Alik comes to see Wheeze and convinces her that he did not perform adultery without her consent. She forgives him. I think I believe him because Jamie is generally a bitch, so…
Once again we have an oddly-themed, unexplained party happening in a National Trust garden somewhere. Toff’s playing tennis in heels, which is just fabulous. Sophie tells Spenny, in German, that he’s a pig. Lucy is chucking heavy balls around. It’s all going down.
Lucy’s dull sister is there, looking more attractive than in recent weeks. Toff tries to set her up with Sam, which makes sense given that they are both token siblings that deserve each other.
Will asks Binky out, properly. It’s very sweet until he leans on his croquet mallet and I see that he has star tattoos by his ear.
Proudlock’s got a new word: beast. Where this has come from we do not know, but he says it repeatedly until Jamie shuts him up by confronting him about moving in with Stevie. He then attempts to defend his slutdom by declaring that when he said he wanted to “give it a go” with Lucy he didn’t mean “go out”. Lucy, however, has made an early exit in the Addison Lee.
Next week’s predictions: George will get to breast stroke Victoria; Binky and Will will go on a date to a tattoo parlour to get his stars lazered off his ear; Alik and Alex will form a men’s club for untrustworthy men whose names begin with an “A”. Can I join?