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Lord S kicks off Week 3 by throwing a curveball into the mix. He does a bit of switchy switchy with the boys and girls. This annoys the boys because they wanted to succeed as men before the gender swapping happened, given that their last two attempts at winning tasks have fallen flatter than a wet Monday on Hounslow High Street.

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Katie offers to be PM on team Tenacity because she “is somebody who is obsessive about the smell of my home”. She needs to perhaps get out more – although that’s coming from me, a man with a penchant for Glade Plug Ins. Katie proves to be a bit shit though seeing as she sends half the team off to do market research and then makes a load of decisions before they’ve even got back. On top of this, Sarah and Lauren have a few bitch fights. Sarah is told to “shhhhhhh” on multiple occasions.

The task is about designing candles, Jo Malone stylee. As per usual, the teams throw around a load of hideous product name suggestions. One team tries out “Lemonize” which sounds like a limited edition bottle of Original Source Shampoo, and “Yellow Submarine” which was a shit Beatles song and is equally shit as the name of a candle. They settle on “British Breeze” which sounds like a Tesco Value bottle of fabric softener. Meanwhile the others are bandying about “Smells of the Surf” and “Beach Dreams” and “Evoke”. Obviously, “Evoke” is the best choice here – so they go for “Beach Dreams”. I am gob-smacked they don’t spell “dreams” with a “z” at the end.

Katie is discussing strategy and pricing and I’m not kidding, there is an actual point when her eyes widen and you can physically see $ signs flash across them.

Lindsay, Rosin’s team, is seen yawning and leaning against things like a lazy child being dragged around B&Q by its parents. Then, at the end of day 1 she exclaims that she is exhausted.

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The teams design their candles in a lab and its all a bit Breaking Bad. Half of the groups go off to pitch to potential buyers. One of the buyers looks a bit like he could be Christopher Biggins’ half-brother. Dan, who last week tried to sell a jumper by stating that he would never wear it in public, does another shit pitch. He needs to be fired at the earliest possible moment please.

Katie’s team produces urine coloured candles and they look like something you’d pick up in the pound store. Rosin’s team on the other hand produce a classier candle, which almost makes up for the whole “Beach Dreamz” thing.

They all then go off to sell their wares. Lindsay literally makes no effort and literally doesn’t literally give two literal figs. James gets a bit over-excited and starts selling stuff for ridiculously cheap amounts like tuppence and two penny farthings.

Dan says he’s been making good sales figures despite the fact that he doesn’t sell anything.

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James gets told off by Lauren.

James also says “there’s no such thing as bad profit”, which proves itself to be false as team Summit loose and face the chop. But, quicker than you can say “I want this so much Lord Sugar”, the boss fires Lazy Lindsay for her slovenliness. She is so slovenly that she actually doesn’t seem to care as she gets up and trudges out of the boardroom. The rest of the team think they’ve got away with it but no no no! Rosin is still asked to bring back in 2 candidates and consequently Nurun is fired because she is a market seller in real life and yet didn’t sell anything on the market.

James gets told off by Lord Sugar.

The winners go off to a spa and there’s a weird scene where they are all showering together naked (okay, not ACTUALLY naked). There’s also a really horrid close-up shot of Dan’s back being rubbed. It’s rank.

Lord Sugar surmises by saying that James needs polishing. I bet he does!

– A

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