Right – where are Fran and Cheska? Have they actually left? Have they vanished unceremoniously like a pair of disgraced Queens? This is injustice at its ugliest. I object!

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Alik is pretending that he understands how to play rugby, in Wimbledon, so I expect him to whip out a tennis racket at any minute.  If we’ve learnt anything from the time Ross tried it in “Friends”, its quite obvious that New Yorkers should keep their hands on their own hereditamental balls. They take a break and Jamie phones his new intern – there’s the “i” word again – to bring them slices of orange. The “i” of course is Sam who is quite happy to oblige despite the fact that this has nothing to do with neither candy nor kittens.

Andy is having a drink with Lucy and reciting a hideous, horrid song. Stop trying to make your shit music happen Andy. You’re no Ben Haenow from TVs “The X Factor”. If only! He informs Lucy that on top of being gutted about Wheeze and Alik, he also thinks that Wheeze could have been his wife, in an alternate reality where we all live in pods and have oxygen injected into our thoraxes.

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Rosie and Binky are training with Will – new person # 1. Lonan – new person # 2 – enters in a leotard. He has attached some masking tape to his right shoulder in an attempt to project to the public that he has a sports related injury. Get out of the gym and back to bed then Lonan! Jesus!

Alik is getting irritable, over in Wimbledon. No, he hasn’t just run into Sue Barker. He proclaims that Andy needs to “keep his distance”. I quite agree Alik, but I have felt this way for months and do not have a sexual attachment to Wheeze like you do.

Sam does a pitch to Jamie for Candy Kittens. Note: when you’re presenting something to your boss, try not to include the sentence “you will be left feverishly licking your delicious fishy finger” in it.

Back at the gym, I’ve sussed out who Lonan is; he is the love child of Proudlock’s father and Hugo Taylor’s mother. Rosie undresses him with her eyes, given that her last relationship ended in Polyamorous Hell (which is where the polyamorous go if they dare attempt to be faithful to another). Anyway, Rosie wants some of Lonan. This is rather a big deal and even leads to these two new men getting their own scene to discuss it all. To mark the occasion, Lonan comes dressed as Proudlock.

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Urgh – Lucy’s sister is back. Tiff, theres’s only one T*ff in Chelsea and that’s Toff. So Tiff Off. Or T-off! You decide which. Lucy spills the beans to her sister and to Binky that she’s going on a secret date with Proudlock. Tiff is like “of course you are”. She’s bitter.

Proudlock can’t contain himself from telling Stevie either and they do a low five in order to mark the moment. Binky and Stevie then go out with Jamie and bareface lie to him about the Prucy situation. It’s always better to cushion a friend in hope so that the devastation that later follows will seem 100 times more cataclysmic. Wheeze and Alik are out too. Wheeze is dressed like a senator’s wife. The topic of Andy arises, as does Alik’s irritability. Binky believes that the moment is ripe for her to inform Wheeze that Andy sort of would have quite liked to marry her. #tact.

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Meanwhile on The Date, Lucy is literally behaving like a teenage girl. Ordinarily I’d call her ridiculous but it’s so bloody adorable I want to squidge her cheeks. It’s just a shame that she’s come dressed as Pocahontas.

The next day Stevie, Rosie and Proudlock are having drinks reciting some sort of odd limerick about being Dutch. If anyone was able to comprehend what that was all about, feel free to write to me in order to enlighten me. Lucy and Binky happen to come into the same bar. There are a lot of sideways glances. Lucy doesn’t trust Proudlock, it would seem. I think she thinks he’s a bit of a whore. Then Will comes in and Binky calls him Matt. He has taken the time to formulate an entire fitness regimen for Binky. The whole thing is ridiculous as its purely a guise to force her to spend time with him by insinuating that she needs to lose weight. Just ask her the fuck out Matt – sorry – Will.

Mark Francis anecdote of the week: he once stayed in a hospital that had pink toilet paper. Why he didn’t bribe a nurse to smother him in his sleep, I do not know.

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It’s Polo time. Proudlock’s wearing a medallion. Alik’s acting a tad aggressive, most probably due to the drink. Rosie’s wearing an off-the-shoulder net curtain.She approaches Andy and has a stern word with him about him bandying about the word “gutted” in reference to Alik and Wheeze. “Fix that shit up,” she says. Word.

What. Is. This? A man approaches Mark Francis and Victoria (and my BFF Sophie) and infiltrates their inner circle. AND he talks to them. His name is George. He is very posh and says ‘gosh’ (and probably owns a cloche). He’s also “partial to the white jeans”. It’s a bit strange seeing Mark Francis and Victoria talking to someone from the outside world. What’s more, George seems to be flirting with at least one of them. I think it’s Victoria who is fluttering her eyelids like a female vicar at Michaelmas, whilst seductively stroking a horses furry mane.

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Lucy, who is a tad disgruntled to hear that Proudlock isn’t really thinking of longterm commitment any time soon, makes him alter their second date to a simple daytime hang. Does this just mean she’s after some middle-of-the-work-day-sex? She should be. It’s naughty and great.

Andy and Wheeze chat, which provokes Alik to storm over looking ready for a fight. But Lo! Andy gets in their first by insisting that he doesn’t intend to stand in the way of their happiness. Where’s the fun in THAT, Andy, with your chortling orange face!

Where are we in Season 8? Episode 2. That means we are long overdue someone cheating on someone else. Jamie’s the one with the gossip – it’s about Wheeze and Alik. We all assume Wheeze has been at it with Niall from One Direction again but no! Alik has apparently been slagging around London, which is strange seeing as he hasn’t left Wheeze’s side. Maybe he had a poke when she was adjusting the thermostat or something…

Next week’s predictions: Did he/Didn’t he? I predict he didn’t. But let’s face it, he did.

– A


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