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EPISODE 1

The Apprentice is back, later in the year than usual, because of the World Cup, or the space landing or something equally of little importance in comparison. And it’s the same old schtick – rather than attempt to portray a realistic view of the kind of person one needs to be to succeed in business, the casting team have filled the show with absolute joke personalities. I can pinpoint the final 5 right now, who have actually been selected for their acumen – and I can’t tell you who they are because I still don’t know all their names yet.

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Curveball alert. Lord Sugar, in all his regalia, has thrown an extra 4 people into the mix this year, and there’s even more clawing, back-stabbing and hair pulling to be done to get to the top. The first task kicks off with the first two team captains of the season – Sarah leads the girls (she looks like Jerry Hall) and Felipe leads the boys (I think he’s an Argentinian drug lord).

This year they’re all a bit potty mouthed. There is a freakishly tall bloke who drops the “shit” bomb. Other words that come up later are balls and arse (the latter said by Karren for goodness sake!) Tut tut BBC One.

Time for team names. The boys choose “Summit”, which is good. It evokes imagery of ascents up mountains and ladders and other high things. The girls can’t decide between “Grafters” and “Decadence”. Both are equally shit but evidently “Decadence” is a little bit less shit because that’s what they choose.

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The task is basically to sell a load of random crap like coffee and T-Shirts. Jerry Hall wants the girls to all dress in short skirts and basically shag passers by to win the task. She also wants to sell lemons in slices. This all comes out at their initial meeting in which they all start screaming over one another to be heard and get an early Vox Pop shown. Roisin is Irish and hot. She has slightly lazy eyelids which I have always found an attractive quality in a person. Jerry Hall sends her off to get some T-Shirts made, but forgets to give her any money to do it with. She’s an idiot.

On the plus side, the girls design a T-Shirt with the slogan “#london” on it – which is a lot better than the suggestions the boys come up with for their shirts which include “Buy This T-Shirt”. Catchy.

The rest of the boys appear to go to someone’s back garden to sell them a load of flaccid balloons. Then they go off to try and sell potatoes and one of them calls a maris piper a paris miper. Steven, the flamboyant one from the boys’ team who acts like a 15 year old girl, tries to sell the paris miper by describing it as “glistening” and declaring that to eat it is “an experience”. Meanwhile, the girls’ team is bickering over coffee. The heavier of the women is bitter about being a barista and desperately refrains from throwing some Nespresso into Jerry Halls face. To end the task, the girls try selling a load of old toilet brushes to some zoo keepers.

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Boardroom: the faceless receptionist sounds even deeper-voiced this season. So she’s either using a voice disguiser or she’s got a cold. The girls win and so Filipe, in a desperate attempt to be accepted by his peers, blames everything that went wrong in the task on whiney Steven, even though he literally did nothing wrong. Steven states that he’s “being scapegoated”. Isn’t that a sex move?

Chiles, the sub-team leader, is brought back into the boardroom with Robert, who is wearing short trousers, no socks and white loafers. Chiles is then RUDE to Karren and answers her back when she questions his managerial efforts over Scapegoat Steven. This evidently bites the hand that feeds him and Lord S fires his ass. And I suspect Karren gives his knee a little squeeze under the table for it too.

EPISODE 2

The next episode is all about designing wearable technology. For example, a dress that lights up. Apparently this is the new “thing” but frankly its hideous and the candidates are doomed before they even start. Scott, who is a Scot, PMs for Summit and Nurun, who is dressed as Claire Danes in Homeland, leads the other team who change their team to “Tenacity” because “Decadence” was too decadent.

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The girls think of a jacket with light up lapels. They accost a posh woman on the street who says she likes the idea, so they run with it. They design the jacket with solar panels on the shoulders too. With them and the flashing lapels, any business woman wearing it would look like they’re about to go into battle against the neighbouring office. Or a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

This item of clothing however is the lesser of two evils, as the boys have come up with a jumper with a camera in it. This would be quite enough, but they insist on sticking the term “On Air” on the front in Christmas lights. It’s basically what a pervert or pedophile would wear in order to secretly videotape someone. They go to pitch it to potential buyers, but they’ve designed it with the camera upside-down. So their target audience of dirty old men would have to stand on their heads to get a good shot of the women they are stalking. Daniel, who owns a pub quiz company (#notkidding) then pitches the product by declaring that he’d never be seen wearing it in public (#reallynotkidding).

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At the girls’ pitch, Jerry Hall wears the jacket and uses it as an excuse to get people to feel her up. Roisin struts around in it like she’s Nadine Coyle, and one of the other ones whose name I can’t remember knocks over their poster. Nuran, who has basically been a shit PM, stutters through the pitch, but by some miracle in the boardroom they still win.

Robert is fired on the spot for being a pansy (Lord Sugar told him to be the PM at the start of the task yet he wimped out of it) and aggressive Scottish Scott gets fired too for being weird.

Meanwhile, the girls are taken to levitate over a river, much like the Lord Jesus once did.

– A

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