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Smack my hands – this post is very, very late being uploaded. And to add salt to your embittered disgruntled wounds, I didn’t know MIC was coming back this week ’til about 3 hours before it aired. What’s happening to me? I’m sorry, okay? I’M SORRY!

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Ok, so we’re back in Chelsea, which is good because we were all starting to get a bit home sick and upset weren’t we? We are all still none the wiser as to precisely why they all went to New York; why Fran & Cheska were sent home early; why Riley was there at all; why Toff WASN’T! But who cares? Because the series ended with one of the last possible romantic linkages amongst the cast. No, not Sam and Wheeze – Lucy and Proudlock. Will they/Won’t they?

Oh…look…it’s Andy. Oh good. Yeah…great. Frankly, we’d forgotten he existed and here he is brazenly surfing in Devon in front of our very eyes (and I suspect a green screen). He cannot surf, which is the first problem. The second problem is that he peels off the upper part of his wetsuit and greets Stevie and Lucy half-naked. It’s not a pretty situation to be honest. What’s more, his hair has become more curly and his eyes seemed to have drifted at least 1cm more apart from each other over the summer. He looks a bit like a red sponge. So in summary – we wish he wasn’t still in it and looking at him upsets me. Apparently it is brand new news to him that Wheeze hooked up with Alik the American in New York. I don’t believe you Andy. I think you were watching the series whilst simultaneously stuffing your face with Oreos, like the best of them.

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Up the beach, Wheeze and Binky are riding horses. It’s all very “Mansfield Park” until Binky asks Wheeze if she and Alik are “having sexual phone calls.” A couple of shirtless men run by and the girls can barely keep it in their pants.

Toff’s back and she’s all chummy with Small Sam. He’s upset because he needs a job and a woman. He hints at the idea of him and Toff getting it on, but she shoots him down like the fabulous blonde specimen that she is. Poor Sam – always with a smile on his face, yet always so tragic.

Mark Francis and Victoria agree to meet and catch up…but this never actually occurs and is pointless.

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Spenny is trying another new health thing. This one involves a gay haircut, a collar-less shirt and green tea. He’s tea-ing with Alex who I find it so difficult to hate because of his handsome face.

Toff, Spenny, Sam and Jamie play tennis, and Sam asks Jamie for an internship. What is it with this TV show and internships???? They’re obsessed with them. And they’re always ridiculous seeing as the intern is usually a friend of a friend and they never get anything done. The producers should send them on an placement on an oil rig somewhere, that’ll learn ’em! Jamie says Sam can do it as long as he doesn’t “give chat back”. If only Sam could apply that to life in general.

Sitting in a Devonshire country garden, eating scones amongst the rhododendrons are Binky, Wheeze and Lucy. Such ladies! Binky asks Wheeze if she and Alik love each other. Lucy looks on with pursed lips. Lucy has to then depart as she needs to help her sister who is moving to Chelsea. She leaves out the rest of that sentence which is “…to ride on the coat tails of my MIC success”.

That night, Andy has a bonfire and everyone dances around it like a bunch of hoodie-wearing meth addicts. Enter Will and Lonan, the random shirtless men from earlier. Lonan is a bit of a poor man’s Proudlock, but more rodent-looking. I think there is some sort of potential romance in the air here but I don’t know who between. Lonan and Binky? Will and Binky? Lonan and Will?

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The boys are at Dirty Martini and Spenny is now dressed like Danny from Greece. Lucy enters with her underwhelming sister. Oh dear. Tiffany, the sister, is shorter, pointier and appears to not have a personality. Such a shame, given that she is a Watson. Have we not learnt, MIC, that bringing in a sibling doesn’t usually work. I have two words for you: Sam Thompson.

Note: Binky’s sister was fabulous and any member of the Felstead clan is a friend of mine.

Alex and Binky run into each other and are civil. But she makes it clear that she is still not ready to be friends with him, seeing as about a month ago he was holding another woman up with his legs. Binky says goodbye and “have fun” which is a fabulous way of trivialising his obsession with adulterous, casual sex.

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Spenny is painting onion vaginas. The end.

Alik arrives in Chelsea and is a bit like a deer caught in the headlights as he has left his country. Wheeze takes him for drinks with the girls and Binky explains to him what the coast is – because they don’t have them in America.

Right, there are so many issues with the next scene. Proudlock is walking Lucy’s dog, but the two of them haven’t really spoken properly since getting back from New York, so how has he got his hands on her animal? On top of this, he is dressed like a baker boy and looks like Tilda Swinton.

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The next scene is a bit like they’re all about 12 at a school disco. It’s Spenny’s birthday, it’s Saints & Sinners, Sam is trying to fly like a graceful crow but instead looks like a black forest turkey. Lucy and Proudlock aren’t sure whether to look at each other or not. Stevie admits the truth finally – that his long hair makes him look like Clare Balding.

Alik greets Spenny, which is hard to do when you’ve each got a pair of oversized wings strapped to your back. Alik asks Spenny if he went to Devon (he clearly hasn’t a clue what Devon is). Spenny withdraws his special birthday spoon and stirs some shit by explaining that Andy and Wheeze were in Devon together. OMG, they were both in the same county at the same time. Call Devonshire MP Hugo Swire NOW!

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Proudlock is possibly the only decent male in this show (aside from Alik), and for this I can forgive him for his horrendous taste in eye-wear. He comes over to Lucy, breaks the ice, is very nice and suggests they go out on a quiet date and not tell any of the others. She is positively coquettish and slightly lost for words. Is this love? MIC Marriage???

Cringe alert: Andy decides to pop over and say hello to Wheeze and Alik. Make it stop. He stands with a disgruntled smirk on his face and rather than simply say hello he instead decides to discuss the fact that he is “gutted” that these two have found Anglo-American love. Sadly, Alik doesn’t know what “gutted” means (other than, presumably, in the “I am going to gut this fish” sense) and so Andy’s bitter scorn falls on deaf ears.

Next week’s predictions: It would seem that Lucy doesn’t trust Proulock. This will be so that the producers can make more of a storyline out of their eventual coupling. I predict that deep down, Lucy can’t bring herself to trust a man with a dangling earring.

– A

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