It’s the last few days in NYC. Has anyone figured out yet why any of them were there in the first place, living in apartments that they claim to be their own? Me neither. SO STOP ASKING ME!
This week’s attempt at asserting the boys’ masculine athleticism sees them on jet skis. We appear to have run out of token American sports to play, so now we have resorted to doing something that normally would take place on an all-inclusive holiday in Bermuda. Alik declares that he is “falling hard” for Wheeze. That’s disgusting. Spenny then takes it upon himself to deconstruct Alik and Wheeze’s relationship for them by informing Alik that he’s too nice for Wheeze and that she will likely get bored with him and that it is simply a holiday romance and that Alik is being totally over the top and pathetically ridiculous. Spenny, you’re a fountain.
Steph and Lucy are walking a random large dog. Why? Dunno! Lucy keeps saying to it “be my friend”. Since she has had a minimal storyline this season I’m guessing the producers have resorted to bestowing upon her the affection of a canine. Steph is all a-glow about Stevie. She is gushing like a wayward sewage pipe. She explains to Lucy that Stevie is going to have a chat with Billie about it all and sort it out. “He would never lie,” says Steph. So, by the end of the episode, he will have lied. Through his crispy little teeth!
Small Sam’s advice to Wheeze, in the impending approach of her trans-atlantic separation from Alik, is to “make him a collage”. Why are you single again, Sam? Then he orders a great big banana(split). Wheeze pretends to cry about Alik.
Binky and Lucy meet up and slag off Our National Mother, Her Eminence The Statue Of Liberty. They’re all “she’s not that great”. Watch your tongue, you little madams. Will YOU ever have a 305 foot aqua-marine coloured statue erected on a private island dedicated to YOU? Will you? I apologise on behalf of Great Britain, sweet sweet lady.
Amidst the lavender, Billie awaits Stevie, who arrives wearing a linen shirt the colour of sick. He lies to her about kissing Steph. A show of hands who didn’t see that coming?
Mark Francis and Binky take a ride in a horse and carriage. Mark Francis announces that he is going to throw a party, on a boat, for their friends and some specially cast extras. They look a bit like lovers but they’re not.
Jamie has spent $700 on a helmet that helps you not to loose hair. Let’s all take a second to mull over that shall we…
Alik and Wheeze are trying to recreate the pottery scene from “Ghost” but with paint. He is all “I can’t imagine not having you near me” and “you rock my world sugar.” Shit.
Jules has taken his polyamorous sex-friend Jana to the same biscuit restaurant that he took Rosie, before he told her that he is “an ethical slut”. Rosie happens to be passing by. They all make amens, much like the residents of a polyamorous hippy commune, or a cheeky Egyptian prince. Jules states that he had wanted to slowly reveal himself to Rosie. I bet he did! Jana explains that she had wanted to go rock climbing with them both. I bet she did!
Hello? What is this? Proudlock and Lucy, flirty flirty on a roof?
Stevie has defaced city property by plucking a flower from the park and giving it to Steph. He then tells her that he has also done the deed of plucking Billie’s heart from her chest and crushing it into mulch before her bitter eyes.
Rosie’s knocking a stick and balls around with the boys. AND they’re playing pool. Carson is wearing a low-cut shirt which accentuates (more so than any other item of clothing we have seen him in) his unacceptable eye tattoo. Keep that thing sheathed Carson! Keep it sheathed lest the gateway to Hell is opened ‘pon Earth. He starts talking about the Stevie situation. He’s all “karma’s a bitch”. Yeah Carson, Karma’s a bitch and so are you! You bitch!
Billie gatecrashes Stevie and Steph’s date. He gets annoyed and storms out and it actually seems rather genuine, actually. Actually, yes it does, actually. Billie stirs the proverbial shit by telling Steph that Stevie didn’t really talk about her. Sorry, but what’s Stevie done wrong here? He tried to move on from Steph by dating Billie. That’s allowed. He didn’t bang on to Billie about Steph, presumably because he was trying not to dwell on her. Again, that’s fine. So, yeah, what’s he done wrong? Anyway Billie makes Steph cry, hugs her like a kaniving bitch and leaves. To meet Spenny! Dirty!
On Mark Francis’ boat party, Wheeze goes to kiss him and he leaves her hanging. You are SUCH a bitch, MF. Don’t ever change!
Stevie is now wearing a tangerine blazer, which is not an improvement on the sick coloured linen shirt from earlier. It makes him look a bit like a sad reject from “Ok Go!” It’s a bit vague but he seems to reconcile with Steph. And Spenny and Billie seem rather cozy as well. My advice to Spenny would be to take his own advice and accept that he and Billie are purely a holiday romance. A holidance. Not even that really, given that they got it on with about 4 days til the end of the trip.
There’s a lot of bants about Jamie getting it on with Carson but I’m not convinced its just bants. Just imagine – Carson with his eye tattoo, Jamie with his Peter Pan tattoo…they could take over the world!
But wait! Alik carelessly informs Jamie that Lucy and Proudlock have been hooking up. Jamie is furious and so confronts them. Alik isn’t telling American lies – they HAVE kissed! Not once, not twice, but thrice! Three times a lady! Now, I hate to toot my own horn, but I predicted these two would get it on. Ever since I posted this photo in this blog post. Good for them, I suppose. They’re the only two who actually don’t see love and relationships as a dirty poisonous game (apart from when Proudlock dashed Caggie’s cousin Alice’s hopes of ever finding love in season 2 and Lucy used Alex to make Spenny jealous in season 5). I approve of these two. You have my blessing. Go forth and make sweet skinny sex.
Alik is standing at the stern of the boat with Wheeze. He doesn’t throw her in. Instead, he grabs her cheeks and says “I love ya baby” in the style of the song of the same name from 1994 by The Original that reached number 2 in the UK and number 32 in the Netherlands. Then, in what seems to be the standard procedure at the end of every season these days, the rest of the gang gather on the overlooking deck and cheer at the lovers. But this is a bad omen, let’s face it, seeing that they all did that to Lucy and Jamie at Christmas and then again to Binky and Alex last Spring. And look where those relationships ended – in shattered yuletide dreams and adulterous fornicative orgies.
See you in a few weeks for season 8!