Well, Little Sam Thompson’s first class ticket to New York, to join the rest of the cast, was well spent. He gets, like, one scene this week. And he’s wearing a Statue of Liberty crown in it. Go home, Sam. Go on! Get!

Jamie is dressed as a hotdog because he lost a bet with Riley, who also needs to go home, to her indoor swimming pool and asylum seeking maid.

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Up on a roof somewhere, Proudlock has taken advantage of the fact that he’s in Manhattan to conduct a fashion shoot for his line of terrible T-Shirts, awful glasses and horrendous earrings. He has hired Jules to be his photographer, and Jules’ partner in polyamory, Jana, to be the model. Proudlock takes the opportunity to psycho-analyse their free-love relationship. Whereas a couple of weeks ago I had assumed that Jana was as up for the whole polyamorous thing as Jules was, Jules now explains that she used to have reservations about it. In other words, he forced her to do it. Poor, poor Jana. She is standing next to Jules, who she clearly is unhealthily in love with, holding back bitter tears of polyamorous regret. And to make things worse, now she has to model some of Proudlock’s shit clothing.

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Rosie and Binky are telling Mark Francis about what happened with Jules. Mark Francis just cannot believe it. And if that wasn’t enough, the girls have ordered an apple pie with cheese. I think it’s time you got the chopper back to Saville Row MF!

This week, the token American sport that the producers have forced the cast to play is basketball. During a break from this, Jules declares that he “fancies” Wheeze and basically offers up poor, poor Jana to Spenny, as if she is some prize cow at the village cattle sale.

Alik invites Wheeze to his house in the Hamptons. As if by serendipitous cosmic coincidence, elsewhere Bille invites Binky to the Hamptons too. I must say, I was wondering when a trip to the Hamptons was going to happen. I’ve been hoping for it, and that it will be like “The City” season 1 episode 17 “Meet The Fackelmayers”.

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Lucy’s a bit like Rupunzel in MIC NYC. She’s always locked up in her apartment with no storyline. What happened to her brief flirtation with Jules, I ask you? Jules, if you’re reading this (and I know you are because you love me really) ask her out again so she can leave her flat. Anyway, her phone rings and praise Jesus, Steph is coming to town. Yessssssss! To surprise Stevie. Noooooooooo! Oh dear me. Stevie is now with Billie. Lucy meets up with Steph when she arrives and breaks the news to her. Steph’s crystalline blue eyes, that are like tiny lagoons of sparkling aqua, start to glaze over with sad, sad tears. She then asks if Lucy has invited Stevie to the cafe they are in. Of course she has, Stephanie. This is MIC, you know! Stevie comes in. I actually think these two genuinely love each other, as they stare at one another with the devotion of a thousand horses, running through the grassy dykes of the highlands.

On the beach in the Hamptons, Binky’s phone makes a noise. This is because Lucy has posted a selfie with Steph in it. Question: Binky, do you have your phone set up so that whenever Lucy posts something on Instagram you get a notification? Jesus, why don’t you just MARRY her! Billie grimaces with chagrin at the news that Steph is on the scene. At this point, Spenny and Jamie creep up on the girls from across the beach, like a pair of brothers who have previously had their names taken off the sex offenders list. Spenny clearly feels he can use this Stevie/Steph opportunity to get into Billie’s knick-knicks.

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That night, Alik has a little party with Wheeze and the other four Hampton attendants. He is one of these people that is constantly all over the person he is dating, to the kind of degree where you really do want to smack him in the face with the end of a croquet mallet. He finally gets her to himself by the remote control operated fire and tells her he’s falling for her. He does this by frowning and squinting a lot in an attempt to be sexy, but it actually looks more like he’s going to murder her and chuck her bloodied corpse into the pool.

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Spenny tries to manipulate Billie, in the absence of Stevie, and when they all start emerging the next morning at breakfast it seems like a given that Spenny and Billie will announce that they made the beast of two backs. But alas, they have not. Billie appears not to be a whore, like so many of the MIC girls before her. Disappointing really. Binky and Wheeze have a good old whisper about Wheeze and Alik’s sex life and Binky comments on Wheeze’s nice spread. Honestly, Binks, that’s not appropriate when people are breaking their fast. Wheeze lifts up a bowl to hide her face in a shameless plug for Pottery Barn.

Back in the city, Stevie is telling Proudlock that he needs to inform Billie of Steph’s arrival. She already knows, bitch! And Spenny’s onto her like paprika on a chicken fajita.

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Later that day, the Hamptons gang are attempting to be all Tommy Hilfiger in the garden. I vomit in my mouth and swallow it. Stevie sends Billie a bitchy text. He asks her “where they are” and when she doesn’t reply within 30 seconds he texts her again being all “fine bitch, I hate you”. He then meets Steph for a drink. She descends the stairs looking like a purple goddess. Stevie has ordered her a vodka and soda. Now, hold on a second. Because there’s something I’ve been wondering. In “The Hills” Steph was a recovering alcoholic. Why is she suddenly allowed to be a big old lush again? Regardless, she is very moral because she insists that Stevie doesn’t do anything to hurt Billie, which sets a good example for the likes of polyamorous Jules and Jana. But then she sits on Stevie’s lap, so…

Next week’s predictions: Stevie will surely do something to mess up his relationships with both Steph and Billie, and will fly back to London as a bitter singleton; Jana will see the error of her ways and join a nunnery; and Wheeze will finally achieve what she has meant to do all along – marry Alik and land that green card she’s been after!

– A


One thought on “MIC NYC Episode 5: “He can’t stop touching her, which is sickening but at the same time very sweet”

  1. Pingback: Drews Drawls has the latest Made in Chelsea recap

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