The lads are having a run. They’re all wearing tank-tops and small shorts and are being instructed by a homosexual (Carson). It’s just like being back at Eton, right boys? Knees up! Carson leads Spenny over to a riverside pylon and sits atop it with him so that they might discuss “The Billie Situation” (sounds like an American sitcom starring Kaley Cuoco, Anna Farris and Jenna von Oÿ (Six from “Blossom”)). Carson is encouraging Spenny to “go for it” with Billie, but this is only because Carson is hoping to one day walk in on Spenny naked. Carson’s hideous hideous eye tattoo is poking up from his vest, looking at us all up and down, like the eye of Satan. Please use the fee you are being paid to appear on MIC to get that thing lazered off Carson. Spenny says he has run the New York marathon twice. Has he though? Has he? Across the way, Jamie compares Spenny to Guy Fawkes. I mean, if ever Spenny were to be contrasted to a figure from history, it’s defo him.
That’s not chest hair you can see. It’s The Eye:
Victoria has been sent to fat camp for eating too many hot-dogs so Mark Francis is shopping with Binky instead. He’s stressed out though because he has not, for the life of him, been able to find any decent leather shops in the city. Nope. Not one! Not one leather shop in New York City, the shopping capital of Earth. Well, as if by the magic chance of television, Wheeze’s current squeeze Alik happens to be a leather-monger. He has rails and rails of colourful dead cows strung up in his “workplace”. In fact, he’s showing her around it now. Alik explains to Wheeze that during the night he likes to paint and play guitar and do things that are “grounding”. Oh shut up Alik, you look like a donkey. Nonetheless, after Wheeze has a pathetic bash at playing his drums, he manages to tongue her.
NEWSFLASH: Rosie used to WORK in a cupcake shop! Could it be that she is not actually that rich and needed to degrade herself to food-related labour? Anyway, she’s on a date with Jules (took them long enough). She tells him how she used to steal cupcakes and take them home to her mother, and explains that she has a quick metabolism. Good chat. Jules says “that’s hysterical” yet finds her story about as hysterical as a bad case of the clap. Jules then describes himself as the following: 1) A man of principal 2) a lesbian. What he doesn’t tell Rosie is that he is a polyamorist-lying-cheating-bastard! There is about as much chemistry going on between these two as an empty test tube. Rosie is “keeping her cards close to her chest”. JUST GET ON WITH IT!!! Why is MICNYC pretending that in real life people go on holidays and act like nuns. The truth is they would all have shagged at least 7 people by now because THEY DON’T LIVE THERE AND ARE GOING BACK TO LONDON SOON!
Why is Riley still in this, she never smiles and is so dull I want to cry. She wasn’t worth the air-fare over to the States and poor Lucy has to put her up in her apartment. Send her packing. Bring Cheska back! Or better yet, Toff!
Later on, they all go to a gig. It’s the gig of a large lady named Lizzo, who shouts into a microphone like a fat Kelis. Proudlock continually states that she’s epic but no-one wants to hear what he thinks because he’s wearing 2 earrings and a bandana. Wheeze is telling the girls that Alik took her to his leather fetish room and that it also doubles up as his bedroom. She explains that she would never work and sleep in the same room. You do not work Wheeze! What precisely have you done with your geography degree, may I ask?
Spenny has taken Billie on a date and is looking particularly greasy. He has learnt some new French words to give her the impression that he can speak said language. Then he rolls out all the classic Spenny lines such as “I feel like I’ve changed”, “I haven’t felt like this for a while about someone” and “has anyone ever told you your hands are laughable, but in a cute way”. Stupid Billie falls for it and tongues him.
Back at the gig, Lizzo is still screaming like some religious advocate for lesbianism. Spenny sends a report to Jamie about his date, with the news that he and Billie have made love with each other’s lips. Jamie informs Stevie who is as bitter as an under-ripened wedge of lime. Carson then chimes in, being all “don’t give up” to Stevie. Carson is a two-faced queen!
Alik is showing Mark Francis around his leathers, dressed as if he needs to nip out in half an hour to appear as a chorus member in the Broadway production of “Chicago” (which is highly likely, lets face it). He proposes a game of baseball, which Mark Francis offers to referee. When Alik asks if he is “like Simon on American Idol”, Mark Francis replies “I’m not sure what that entails but probably”. Good one MF. Also, Alik, what is this, 2009? Simon left Idol years ago mate! Didn’t you hear that he started up X Factor USA and fired Cheryl Fernandez-Versini née Cole née Tweedy?
Proudlock and Spenny are shopping for hats. Let’s move on, yeah?
NEWSFLASH # 2: Stevie is a better kisser than Spenny! This is according to Billie, and she would know as she is clearly a slag.
Mark Francis can’t quite get his head around the fact that Jules took Rosie on a date “to eat biscuits”. Nor can we, MF. Then he says something a bit weird. He says “you wouldn’t even take a 3 year old to do that…I would have taken a girl to the Harrods toy department”. Ok, MF, whatever. Alik, thankfully, risks being late for curtain up at “Chicago” by explaining Jules’ situation to the others. He drops the P-Bomb! Wheeze then defines polyamorous as being “when you love someone so much that you think you can get with other people”. She says it as if she is familiar with the concept, which is, again, weird. It’s just a weird scene, man.
At the baseball field/mound/pitch/stadium Alik tells Wheeze that he likes a girl with a bat in her hand and then proceeds in eating her face with his buck teeth. It’s really awkward though because Rosie chooses this moment to reveal that she has flown annoying small Sam Thompson to join the holiday. As always, Sam acts a bit like he fancies his sister. Rosie is wearing an apron. A baseball apron.
Lucy makes it perfectly clear to Billie that she believes her to be a whore. Billie calls Lucy “Luce”. Bit familiar Billie! Lucy also happens to briefly mention Stevie’s ex, Celebrity Big Brother star Stephanie Pratt. Billie clings onto this snippet of information and uses it as a way to turn the conversation away from her being a tart and instead accuses Stevie of still fancying Steph. That’s a sneaky little game, Billie. Anyway, whatever, they end up kissing and Spenny is bitter.
Rosie is informed that Jules is polyamorous. In fact, he’s not simply a polyamorist, he’s a tri-polyamomorist. He announces with arrogant, entitled, angry flippancy that he’s dating 3 girls and that they are all Facebook friends. What would Mark Zuckerberg say? Jules declares that monogamy isn’t natural and “that’s the whole truth”. So basically he thinks like a gay guy. So he’s a lesbian, trapped in a man’s body, with the mind of a gay guy. Rosie says that she would have chopped his dick off if things had gone any further with him than their sexless chat about metabolism over a stale muffin. He explains that he’s an “ethical slut”. He argues with Rosie passionately, then calms down and in the style of Hannibal Lecter says “we don’t have to be nasty. Bye girls. Let’s catch up later”. So I think he might be schizo-tri-polyamorous. That’s Dr. Drew’s theory at least.
Next week’s predictions: Steph is back and that’s all that matters in life!