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Are you 17? Are you on the brink of intimate enlightenment? Have you got a holiday booked in the last couple of weeks of August? Are you planning on getting freaky with someone on said holiday? Are you quite stressed out about how to have a casual holiday romance because you’re shit at flirting? Don’t you worry! You’re in luck! Because this week’s edition of MIC NYC is a tutorial in how to be a whore abroad. Let it teach and guide you, like a Pied Piper, through the art of contracting American-based syphilis.

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Alik has asked Wheeze to accompany him on a walk with his dog. He has a very cute labrador. At first I think he has gone blind since Episode 2 because he has strapped this poor animal into what looks like a guide dog harness. They bump into Jules. Remember him, from last week? He is tall, nasal, smug and a prick. He is carrying an A4 leather document holder. Prick! He asks after Rosie. He wants them all to “get to know each other better”. I think he’s hinting at an orgy. He obviously had a quick word with Alex, King of Inter-Participatory-Sex, during his brief trip to the States.

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For a show that enjoys spreading the message of free love and sexual liberty, the gays are very under-represented on MIC. Obviously there was Ollie, but he never seemed to commit fully to his stance as a lover of men. Then there’s Mark Francis of course, but he never gives us a glimpse into the Vandelli boudoir (thank Christ). Finally though, we seem to have an out and proud gay on our hands in the form of Carson. He is Billie’s friend and is kick-boxing with her. They bump into Proudlock and Stevie. Proudlock lets his hair down for a moment. He looks a little bit like Kellie Maloney from this year’s Celebrity Big Brother. They decide to pretend to try and set up Jamie with Carson. It’s going to be totally lollllllllllllllls.

Referencing Alex, Spenny notes that he must be feeling “lower than a snake’s asshole” right now. Never was a truer or more eloquent word spoken.

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Mark Francis, hide your eyes. Don’t look, lest you turn to stone. He is strolling down the street speaking in tongues, unaware that he is about to walk in on Victoria with a long sausage in her mouth. She is eating a hot dog. It’s disgusting and she should hang her head in dirty shameful shame.

Do you remember that Stevie does poetry? Well, in America, these poems have morphed into hardcore R&B. He raps to Riley and embarrasses himself, E4 and the whole of the United Kingdom. Riley then finds great pleasure in informing Stevie that Spenny and Billie went on a date last week. She says that Billie had “the best time” with Spenny, which Billie has not said once. In fact her general reaction so far has been “Meh”. But Riley wants Stevie for herself, so will happily stab a passing nun in the back to get her way.

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Anna Louise is teaching a special private life drawing class with some of the girls. Rosie is wearing massive, stupid, horrid glasses that she needs to take off and destroy in the nearest American garbage disposal sink (why don’t we have those here?) Their model disrobes and all the girls have a good old giggle at the poor boy’s penis. Whilst they flick and stroke (their paint brushes), Anna Louise explains that dating in New York is basically like it used to be portrayed on Sex and the City and that everyone in the city is a nasty little slut. Men, women, gay, straight, bi, Thai. Whores – the lot of them! May I ask how that’s different to London, please…?

As if on cue, we go back to annoying Jules, who is meeting his GIRLFRIEND. They kiss and everything. She even looks like him. In fact, his face is more womanly than hers, and hers is more manly than his. I am concerned that they are related. She is all “how was your date the other night?” WTF? He is all “yeah her name’s Rosie and I really wanna shag her”. The girlfriend tells Jules that he should tell Rosie that he is a polyamorist!!! A what? Isn’t that a type of toothpaste? Then we find out that these two LIVE TOGETHER! WWWWWTTTTTFFFFF?! And to confuse things further, her name is Jana, which I swear is the name of Mark Francis’ maid! Jana, is that really you?

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Stevie finally asks out Billie and they go to the park. She is blindfolded and Stevie reveals that he has brought her to the river (to push her in I hear you cry? Sadly not) to go rowing. He reveals also that he has packed a picnic and I wonder how long she has been blindfolded for seeing that she hasn’t seen the picnic basket he is swinging around. He probably made her cross Fifth Avenue blindfolded. On her own. Naked. Anyway they have a nice enough time on this boat I suppose. Billie seems quite nice but she is clearly a polyamorist too, as she has Spenny on the go simultaneously. Stevie starts explaining what a cox is. I think she knows precisely what a cox is, Stevie.

In a sweet shop, Jamie nearly chokes to death on a bonbon. But doesn’t.

Jules is wearing spandex. He, Alik, Rosie and Wheeze are on a rock-climbing double date. Jules is SUCH a polyamorist that he manages to work these 3 terms into the rock-climb:

1) I think you guys are beautiful from all angles.

2) It’s fun to be physical.

3) Was he well endowed?

Get a room, Jules. With yourself.

Stevie is plying Billie with Pimms. He has even brought some chopped fruit to serve with the drink so that it looks less like a bottle of urine. Strawberries, apples, cucumber. “You’ve thought of everything,” Billie exclaims. He hasnt, Billie! He’s forgotten the MINT! Tut!

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Lucy and Riley are discussing the whole Spenny/Stevie/Billie triangle of pure, true love. Lucy says that when Spenny hears about Stevie dating Billie, it “will hit him like a pan to the face”. Riley, who is bitter about this whole Billie thing, tries to summarise the situation: “I think she’s really nice and, like, obviously, you know, she’s nice, and I think she’s obviously…obviously Stevie likes her, so, I mean, obviously so there must be, like, some good things about her.” Thank you, Riley, for that.

It’s Binky’s birthday and Anna Louise has arranged a surprise and OMG you just will die when you find out what it is! GAB-RI-ELLA! Yes!!!! She’s back! She is singing like a box of feral cats, but she is back and joy fills my heart. She seems less insane though. Has America calmed her? Apparently she has a boyfriend. Yes, well done Gabs, good for you, good for YOU!

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Oh goodness. Carson has a tattoo. Of an eye. On his chest. High up. It needs to be layered off, like, yesterday.

Jules asks Rosie out, proper. She still is none the wiser to his polyamoristic ways. Like honey to the trap, she takes the bait. Poor old Rosie. Jules is a sleazy, cocky twat. Go back to your mannish girlfriend and leave Rosie alone.

Spenny asks Billie out on a second date and she says yes…in front of both him and Stevie! WTF is she playing at, may I ask?! She is more of a polyamorist than ruddy Jules!

Next week’s predictions: I HOPE we get to see more of Gabs and her boyfriend who is bound to be clinically deranged or an Ollie look-a-like or something; I predict also that the polyamorism will bite the likes of Billie and Jules on their slutty little bottoms.

– A

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