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We kick off this week’s merriment with another non-cliché, completely natural-looking, totally non-touristic pastime: consuming pretzels. Stevie is doing this with Steffi Graf as it is their date. So its him, her, a couple of large bits of salty dough and…Proudlock. He’s tagging along like an introvert child at a C of E primary school in Skipton. Steffi Graf seems stressed at the prospect of eating carbs and salt, combined! Proudlock, I note, has TWO dangling earrings inserted into his left lobe. Does his ear-wear multiply inexplicably when he goes abroad? If he were to go to Australia would he suddenly have one of those massive earrings people have which make a gigantic hole in your lobe and stretches your skin out? Proudlock, let us know, yeah…

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Rosie is on her first date since…well…ever! Even in Season 1 when she was flaunting her wares around Hugo, they didn’t really “date” per say. Having said this, its not really a proper date, poor thing, because she is being set up by Alik the Rat, who is there to romance Wheeze. Enter Jules. Oh Jules. Jules, Jules, Jules, Jules, Jules. At first I think he is German but actually he’s just quite nasal. The girls explain that they know each other from boarding school. The boys don’t seem to know what this is and most likely assume that “boarding school” is an academy for hammering timberboard over smashed windows. Rosie expresses her concerns that she doesn’t want to come across as Wheeze’s desperate friend. Well you are, Rosie – deal with it! Jules then starts reciting some bollocks about being “honest, open and earnest”. “Be happy,”  he says, “and spread happiness”. Oh shut it Jules. Pipe down with your American bullshit. He then announces that he’s having the greatest time despite only having been there 3 minutes and talked only about himself.

At church, Victoria is wearing a veil. She’s there with Mark Francis who has popped in to re-connect with God and pray that the poor are all wiped out in a mass landslide somewhere. The vicar then emerges from the vestry holding a crucifix and sprinkling holy water and they both burst into flames.

At Lucy’s, Jamie is attempting to justify why he told Binky that he would choose Alex over her. Lucy says that he’s weird and sexist. More importantly Jamie, haven’t you known Binky for, like, ever, and didn’t Alex only show up like a year ago? Riley emerges from a corner somewhere, in a silk negligee and with brown hair. Evidently she and Lucy are equals now, although she was always of a higher ranking than Lucy as she has an indoor swimming pool and a foreign maid.

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A dark cloud suddenly descends over Manhattan. Blood starts pouring from the taps and birds begin dropping from the skies. Alex has arrived in NYC. First thing he does is fuck with Binky’s head by inviting her to join him in Central Park at 9PM. Will she/won’t she (she will).

Jules is reading on a park bench. His lips move when he reads. Stupid boy. Lucy happens to be walking by. She sits next to Jules on the phone. He looks at her like a pervert on a ferris wheel. He asks her if hers is a “London accent”. Urgh. No, Jules, it’s an English accent, it’s not like Lucy talks like a 19th Century British orphan. “Can I ‘av some more, guvna?” Jules makes sure he mentions that he was in London once for modelling. Face of Primark? He comments that Lucy is “impeccably dressed” and invites her to a fashion exhibit. Jules I think you might like boys. Lucy says she doesn’t really know many people in NYC. Lucy, you know like a hundred. Not only are ALL your friends over from Chelsea, but you’ve latched on to Steffi Graf too.

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Fran and Cheska are leaving so they’re having a party. They are obviously on dodgy visas and so are now in exile.

Riley chats to Steffi Graf and if looks could kill Steffi Graf would be cremated by now. She hates her. She is still obsessed with Stevie, obviously.

Jules is doing a bowling ball dance and proving to be a prick. He plays the fashion exhibit  card again with Rosie. Perhaps you should find Mark Francis and get him to go with you Jules. He then goes and talks to Lucy and says that bumping into her again is serendipitous. Oh just shut your pie hole Jules.

Binky is stressing about meeting Alex. She tells Spenny that they just have so much history. Yes, Binky, but the history is him continually cheating on you with rooms full of women. Spenny is the voice of reason for the first time in his life. “You should not go,” he says. Binky thinks long and hard about this for 9 seconds before sneaking out to go and meet Alex. He’s there, at a fountain, with sunglasses attached to his shirt even though its nighttime. I want to know how Binky knew where to meet him seeing as he didn’t tell her before and Central Park is 3.41 km² in size.

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Steffi Graf is totally slutting it around the party, talking about the dates she is going on with Stevie and Spenny, in front of them both. Spenny is then pulled aside by Jamie who has received a mysterious text about something Alex has done. Spenny says to Jamie “you know Alex is in NYC, right?” to which Jamie seems surprised despite the fact that HE invited him over!

At the fountain, Binky and Alex are having a domestic when Jamie turns up. What has Alex done??? Please, someone tell me now! OMG, he hooked up with Jamie’s ex Tara aka Claudia Winkleman! I’m a bit disappointed actually. The way Jamie was reacting it was a bit like Alex had literally blown up Jamie’s house with all his family inside it.

Spenny and Steffi Graf go on a ride (on a bike). Spenny reels off his usual spiel about how he really likes her and tells her that he doesn’t really date. She falls for  it. Poor girl. You poor poor ex-Wimbledon champion, Steffi Graf. Then they hold hands – at length.

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Rosie is ranting about Alex. “You’re boring!” she says, as if to him. “He’s an actual arse hole,” she insists. Alright RoRo, calm your guns, innit. Knock knock. Someone’s at the door. “I’ve got heart anxiety,” says Binky, at the prospect that it might be Alex. Heart anxiety – that well known medical condition. Jamie is at the door. He’s come to say sorry. He actually seems sincere for once. Apparently Claudia Winkleman is the love of his life which is why the whole thing is so terrible, but I thought the love of his life was Lucy! No? Yes? Make your ruddy mind up JayJay!

Alik is playing poker with some of the boys. He really is very rodent-like. He tries to do an English accent but sounds like Barbara Windsor in “Carry On Matron” which I’m not sure is the effect he was going for.

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Alex comes to see the boys to explain why his overt addiction to sex has now seeped over from betraying just women to also devastating fellow men. “You ratted me out to Lucy and you told her about the orgy,” says Alex to Jamie, in his defence of trying to pork Claudia Winkleman. I personally love how everyone talks about The Orgy now as if it’s a meeting at the local town hall about the state of the eroding village clock tower. Jamie is having none of this though and banishes Alex. He asks that he leave his sight, and the United States, immediately.

It would seem that Alex then books the same flight as fellow banishees Cheska and Fran, as he bumps into Binky at the airport, who is seeing them off, whilst he is fiddling on the concourse with his passport. Binky gives him a look. A look that says “stop fiddling with your passport and get out of my sight”. And with that, she descends into her Rolls Royce and is taken back to the city to meet Samantha, Miranda and Mr. Big.

Next week’s predictions: Alex won’t get on the plane and will instead stay in New York and betray someone else’s eternal trust; Steffi Graf will continue to be vacant behind her eyes; the Jules/Lucy/Rosie triangle will become a square when Jules turns up with his “new best friend” Harold; Victoria and Mark Francis will continue to tour the religious landmarks of the city to see how many of them they can survive in.
– A
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One thought on “MIC NYC Episode 2: “So what do you like to do when you’re in London? Hang out at the Tate or…?”

  1. “He then announces that he’s having the greatest time despite only having been there 3 minutes and talked only about himself.”

    Yep. Sounds like a typical date with an American male.

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