The Made In Chelsea kids have got the right idea leaving London, you know. Today I made the mistake of driving into town for brunch at Duke’s in St. James, only to discover on the Hammersmith Flyover that today was “Ride London” and that all the roads were closed. Needless to say this resulted in me being 1 hour and 45 minutes late for brunch, but not before I had driven the wrong way up a one-way system, called my Sat Nav a dick and given an old man in a Nissan Bluebird the finger.
So the Chelsea massive are in NYC. Why? Who knows. Who cares? The MIC logo designer has been extremely clever and replaced the “Keep Calm And Carry On” crown with that of Our Lady, The Statue of Liberty. Everyone’s walking around in strategically placed tourist spots saying things like “lets make sure we see all the sights” and “I love eating pancakes with bacon”. Someone’s put Lucy on the Staten Island Ferry and sent her up the river. This bit is actually – dare I say it – cringe. Ok, we get it, they’re not in London! Get on with the story you bitches!
Billie is a friend of Mark Francis and she looks like Steffi Graf. She attends the brunch that the Chelseas are having and goes up to Lucy. These two are either going to love or despise each other. Door Number One! Billie likes Lucy’s jacket, so Lucy, in turn, likes Billie. Lucy is thrilled that a female is talking to her, because all the others currently hate her. Spenny and Jamie come over and try chatting Billie up, consequently clarifying to her that British men are twats (except me).
Out on the terrace, Lucy and Rosie call each other bitches. This is followed by a lot of pouting and snarling and sideways eye-rolls.
OMG, Binky’s at Grand Central (which makes no sense as its a train station not an airport) and is greeted by her sister, Anna Louise. The whole thing is very exciting as Anna Louise and I follow each other on Twitter. So she gets my vote. What’s this? Alex isn’t with Binky? Apparently it’s over! I would have thought Binky would’ve phoned ahead and let her sister know he wasn’t coming. Now she’ll have to put that extra set of towels back in the airing cupboard.
The girls are now at yoga and Rosie is sexualised for the first time since Season 1 when she and Hugo collectively betrayed Millie with their tepid lust for each other. She is all a-fluster because the yoga teacher “was holding his hips against my crotch”. If you think about someone putting their hips against someone’s crotch, it’s really not that erotic as surely they’d have to be standing sideways.
The boys, meanwhile, are playing baseball. Of course they are. What next, a recitation of the fifth amendment? Alik is introduced (who’s name is probably really Alex but we already have one of those so he’s had to change it). Alik knows Proudlock from the fashion industry. Remember, Proudlock designs awful clothing. Apparently Alik is “doing some denim” for him. Whatever Proudlock. Alik asks the boys what they all do, and everyone laughs at the fact that none of them have to bother working for a living. Spenny is threatened by Alik and they eye each other up whilst clutching long, hard baseball bats which is just very gay.
Wheeze can’t keep it in her pants with the yoga teacher but is interrupted by a phone call from Binky who asks if she can come and stay with her. That’s really nice Binks. Now Anna Louise is going to have to put your towels away too! I’ll stay with you Anna Louise, don’t you worry!
Rosie is looking a lot like Geri Halliwell looked in 1998.
Back at baseball, Alik observes that the guys must be naturally good at this sport because of England’s cricketing heritage. How ridiculous! That’s like saying Germans are naturally good at mass genocide because Hitler was into it. The boys then go bowling and Proudlock starts talking about where he’s staying. He calls it a “crib” and a “pad” repeatedly. Oh Proudlock, just go off somewhere and buy a new fedora, for God’s sake.
At Bryant Park we learn that if Wheeze eats crab her face explodes and she gets the shits. Anna Louise doesn’t seem impressed, but that’s because she’s a proper grown-up. Rosie starts bitching about how Lucy has a heart of ice, to which Wheeze says “I’m done with people that are neggy”. I think that’s her trying to shorten the word “negative”. It does not work Louise. I’m using your actual name now, rather than “Wheeze” because this is serious. You need to learn.
Everyone then heads over to Proudlock’s “crib” to party. There are more red plastic cups than you can shake a stick at. And a paddling pool full of lube. Binky and Cheska make friends by bonding over their mutual opinion that Alex has dreadful hair.
Alik is absolutely battered and is, frankly, embarrassing himself. Whilst squinting at Wheeze, he asks her out, and promises Rosie he can set her up too. She immediately cancels her plans to go back to yoga tomorrow to touch the yoga man’s pelvic floor.
Over in the corner, realisation creeps across Spenny’s face as it dawns on him that he isn’t sexy in America. To rectify this, he goes and hits on Billie WHILST she is being romanced by Stevie. And she says YES, the slut! It must be because Spenny uses the classic British chat-up line “can I buy you a drink at some point, or maybe a meal of food?”
Binky asks Jamie to choose between her and Alex. Jamie avoids this by beckoning Lucy over to talk to Binky. He then goes off to pretend to make a call to Alex, insisting he come over and join in the holiday, which of course is a really good idea.
Next week’s predictions: The only thing that matters is that Alex arrives and appears to have done something to make Jamie cry! I think he has A) had another orgy and not invited Jamie B) accidentally run over Jamie’s grandmother or C) forgot to water Jamie’s plants while he’s been in New York.