It’s the last episode of the season. Boooooooooooo!
But there’s going to be a New York special over the summer. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
But we don’t know when it’s going to be on. Boooooooooooo!
So we can all sit in darkened rooms for the next few weeks, rocking back and forth, with E4 on constantly, waiting for the first glimmer of an MIC: NYC trailer, whilst drinking straight absinth to numb the yearning. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
So Wheeze and Fordo (or whatever his nasty little name is) have managed to somehow make their dull storyline about cooking for each other seep over into this week’s episode. The whole thing’s a bunch of bollocks though because Ford Mondeo is a professional ruddy god damned chef! And Wheeze always orders from take-aways when she hosts dinner and pretends she cooked it, like that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when she/he sets her/his breasts alight. Also, it transpires that these two are cooking for each other on the same night! So he’s going to bring his dish round in some luke-warm Tupperware for her to heat up in the microwave. Oh just shag, forget all this cooking foreplay claptrap!
At the rugby, the boys are all dressed like idiots and Jamie calls Spenny a snowball (he’s actually a yeti). Alex is banned because rugby leads to beer, which leads to testosterone comparison, which leads to the pub with a load of sluts in rugby shirts which leads to sex in the middle of the rugby pitch while the groundsman is hosing down the 7ft mascot costume.
Lucy and Riley are hanging out. Again! Give it up girls. Riley is wearing a fur. That’s because she has a house with a pool and a boiled water tap and an immigrant maid in it. I find it quite awkward that they are trying to be friends while there is a giant elephant sat at the table with them. The elephant’s name is “Lucy-sacked-Riley-because-she-was-bitter-and-still-hasn’t-given-her-her-job-back”. And it’s wearing a tutu and a fascinator.
Binky’s at the hairdressers, looking as if she has turned to the drink. Alex comes in and she says “sit” to him, almost as if she controls him (which she does, because he had twelve orgies). Alex has a full on beard these days and it doesn’t suit him. They discuss how his wandering penis has turned her into a misery guts. Then he gets on his knees and asks her if she “wants it”. Disgusting!
Riley has gone crawling back to Sam to hang around in his kitchen, on account of the fact that Stevie and Jamie have both kicked her to the curb like a three-eyed dog. Sam is overly excitable about Wheeze – aka his sister – having a date. His sister.
Spenny calls Alex to try and coax him out for a drink. Alex, you shan’t touch the sweet nectar of sin, lest you cheat on Binky for a seventeenth time. Binky’s at home and calls Jane who says she’ll be right over. I thought you lived in Surrey, Jane? Unless you have a pad in the city for when you go on shopping trips. I bet that’s what’s going on here. I bet my bottom dollar.
At the dullest date in the history of Love, Wheeze and Gerald Ford are both sitting there staring at a couple of cloches. After a bit of giggling, the cloches are lifted up to reveal that they’ve both made pathetic rice dishes with a bit of floppy fish thrown in for good measure. It’s a despicable effort and somewhere in the ether Mary Berry is screaming into a pillow.
Sophie, Mark Francis and Victoria are discussing the etiquette that surrounds ordering an alcoholic beverage. These three never talk about anything real. We never hear about how Victoria got locked out of the house wearing just her negligee after shooing her neighbour’s cat off her property, having to then sleep in the greenhouse under a bag of sodden compost. Sophie talks about things that are hand blown. Like glass (not penises you filthy scamps).
Steph’s leaving so she and Stevie pretend to cry about it. I’ve got two words for you Stevie: Green Card. And I ain’t talking about the movie starring Andie MacDowell and Gérard Depardieu.
Back at Binky’s, Jane is trying to console her daughter. But instead, Binky shouts in her mother’s face. She uses the word “bullshit”. Tsk tsk Binky. NO ONE talks to Jane F in that tone. Not on my watch girlfriend. Jane then calls Alex a “tit”, which I suppose is a step up from “gimp”.
Weekend away. They seem to be at Downton Abbey. Everyone’s on the lawn, frolicking about and pushing each other into bales of hay. Everyone but Binky and Alex. They are in their bedroom which has a headboard that merges with the wallpaper. Binky is standing at the window, looking down from the east wing like a 17th Century spinster ghost.
Toff’s Ahoy! She’s back, she’s dressed like Maria Sharapova and she’s knocking balls about on the tennis court. She’s grotesquely under-used. Toff, pounce on Stevie now that Steph’s left the country. You need a storyline. Go for it girl!
Rosie is dressed like she’s at a pre-war garden party and Fran is wearing glasses that she seems to have stolen from Professor Wheeto.
Jamie drives up to Stevie and Riley in a golf buggy. Stevie’s got a big stick in his hand. Riley asks Jamie for an apology. He is all “what do I need to apologise for”. She storms off and the camera angle shows that Jamie’s label is sticking out the top of his vest. I find this more interesting than Riley’s indignance because at the end of the day, she has a pool, a hot tap and a foreign maid.
Wheeze and Betty Ford kiss in the billiard room, with the lead piping.
Spenny is like the Truth Police. He’s outside telling Jamie to get over Lucy. And then Alex shows up and tells him that the entire group think that he and Binky need to break up, like, yesterday. He’s all “it’s not our place to tell you to break up, but I suggest you do.” Oh Spenny, don’t ever leave MIC you tactless buffoon.
The next morning, it transpires that Jamie and Lucy shared a bed and that Jamie was naked at the time but that Lucy did not touch him perversely. In fact, she positively scoffs at the idea. Then, because it’s the final part of the episode, they all start dropping the NYC bomb. “OMG, NYC is gonna be so F(un)” Spenny is all “I’m gonna be all British and wear a Ralph Lauren shirt.” That’s fine Spenny but Ralph Lauren is AMERICAN, you big tart!
Alex and Binky accost Lucy and Spenny outside on the terrace. The orgy is brought up. So is the fact that everyone is talking about it. So Alex announces that it’s time to end this once and for all. Oh sweet Moses, he’s going to do a speech to the whole group, like Hitler addressing the Hitler Youth. The tension is palpable. But then it all happens really quickly, is really badly edited, half of the lines are inaudible and nothing massively dramatic really happens. Here’s a transcript:
Alex: “Guys, it seems that a lot of you have been talking about our relationship. I think it’s wrong. Can you please back off. Let us be happy. I fucking love this girl more than anything (token Alex phrase). I wish you would support it.”
Jamie: “It’s bullshit.”
Binky: (crying) Just leave us alone, please, everyone, please.”
Rosie: “Can’t we just let them be?” (oh shhhhhh Rosie, get out of it)
Jamie: “No, we do, but at the same time…”
Binky: (still crying) “You don’t let us be, you don’t. Jamie you don’t.”
Jamie: *** inaudible ***
Binky: (still crying) “Are you fucking joking Jamie? Are you fucking joking? You do not have any fucking right to this fucking girlfriend (???) don’t you dare, you’re nothing compared to me *** inaudible*** in this relationship (???)“
Alex & Binky walk off and there’s a voice over that Binky obviously went back and recorded in a studio so they could tack it onto the end of the episode where she says: “that’s the end of it, I’m done.”
I’m left feeling rather short-changed by this. I at least expected Toff to be lowered from the sky wearing a fairy outfit, sprinkling glitter onto everyone’s heads, waving a wand and doing the cancan mid-air.
New York Predictions: Saks Fifth Avenue, Fabulous Fabulous, Bloomingdales, Drama Drama, Tiffany’s, Love It Love It, Up The Empire State, Up The Creek, Up The Jaxy, Up The Ante.