The boys are in the park, having a BBQ, flopping their meat about. Spenny is quite blatantly hammered off his head. And why not, bitches? Summer the season of light is a-comin’. The beers are a-flowin’. It’s time to get on it, lads! Oh but hang on…Alex is banned from drinking unless he is under the supervision of Binky, on account of his inability to stay faithful on the sauce. To be fair on him, he’s doing as he’s told, even if he does have to turn his back on the other guys to wipe a silent tear from his left eye. We also learn that Riley and Jamie have sexed, after their first date. Just imagine what their horrid little blonde children are going to look like.

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SHOCK: Lucy “feels sorry” for Alex. WTF? The tables sure have turned! Like, literally, Lucy has gone into the dining room and manoeuvred her dining table at least 267° clockwise. She also back-handedly proclaims that the Binky/Cheska friendship is over, and has been for a long time. Meanwhile, however, Binky tells Alex that she cares more about Cheska than Lucy. This is while they’re in a library, the obvious place to go when one is trying to spice up one’s love life off the back of a sextet of adultery.

Edo and Fordy (urgh) are on their way back from the boys’ BBQ in the park, but they clearly filmed this on a totally different day because it’s pissing down with rain. Wheeze comes round the corner wearing a choker as if she is starring in Hedda Gabler. She flirts with Fordy (which I suppose is the lesser of two evils). They talk about how she is good at cooking roast dinners and small chickens. This flirtation is as damp and drizzly as the half-hearted rain that is lethargically dripping from the sodden grey clouds above.

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There’s a ridiculous meeting between Riley and Lucy. Apparently Riley has asked Lucy to meet her so they can clear the air about Jamie. WHY??? Lucy fired you, Riley, why would you give a shit? And Lucy, why would you go and meet the bird who chose to shag your ex over an internship at your company (even though no-one actually knows what your company produces)? Lucy, in her typical Lucy swagger, is all “yeah you had sex with him” and tells Riley it won’t last. Which is further proven when Lucy leaves and bumps into Jamie on the street where he basically tells Lucy that he would much rather mount Lucy than Riley. Lucy, of course, loves it.

Mark Francis and Victoria are at a bar, asking the age-old question “who in their right mind would order beer battered fish and chips”. Oh guys, you need to GET INVOLVED with the BBF+C. Mint infused peas? Tartar sauce? No? Cheska and Fran are in the same bar, and say hello to Mark Francis but kind of blank Victoria. Victoria looks Cheska up and down like she is a stack of dirty mattresses. Then she says to Mark Francis that she reckons Cheska would order BBF+C. Victoria, I thought you were nicer to Cheska these days. Slap on the wrist for you. I thought you’d been to media training with Lynne Franks. Fran tells Cheska that she fancies Fordy (why???) and that she thinks he will be an ideal suitor for a summertime boyfriend. “Don’t be afraid to go there,” advises Cheska. “I’m never afraid to go there,” says Fran. You absolute trollop Fran!

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At Riley’s house (you remember, it has that ready-boiled water tap in it) she is SWIMMING in her INDOOR SWIMMING POOL! And she has a housekeeper called Rosario! She is filthy rich! I’d say this is the filthiest, richest house we have seen on MIC. Even more so than Mark Francis’ house. It makes the rest of the cast look like they live in flats above Coral betting shops off Hounslow high street. Jamie comes to visit and the rest of this scene is just hideous given that five minutes ago he was chatting up Lucy and now he’s being all smarmy with Riley. Oh Jamie, just have a vasectomy already, yeah?

Oh dear. This is sad. Wheeze and Sam are playing Trivial Pursuit. In a bar. There’s a lot of sideways glances from the other patrons given that they are siblings. To make it worse, they start talking about Wheeze’s love life and how she’s had a dry patch lately. There’re steroids for that. They then talk about Dairylea Dunkers. To make the evening even more tragic, Binky and Alex come in, in a bad mood with each other, because they’ve been arguing again. Binky then cries and starts talking about Alex as if he’s not there. Alex doesn’t know where to look. Wheeze laughs. Sam tries to instigate the game of Trivial Pursuit, because we all know that a board game is always the remedy to a betrayal-tainted relationship.

Back at Riley’s house (she blates still lives with her parents, that is not HER pool) Jamie calls Lucy “a fucking bitch”. Yeah, a fucking bitch that you are OBSESSED WITH, Jamie!!!

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At Longleat, Sophie, Binky, Mark Francis and Victoria are strolling around the maze, fingering the bushes as they go. Sophie is playing with fire by going into a maze, seeing as she gets lost just trying to get around Harrods, don’t you know! These three have taken Binky out of Chelsea in order to calm her down a bit about Alex and his perpendicular hair. But everywhere she looks, Binky is reminded of him – in the brambly bushes (his hair), the stone pillars (his penis), the topiary shaped like a Greek orgy (his extra-marital pastimes).

Wheeze is hosting a very civilised tea in her back garden on patio furniture, for Lucy and Cheska. Lucy starts crying because she doesn’t like lap sang su shong (and because Binky is ignoring her).

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Back at Longleat, Victoria et al do not know what a “bell-end” is. Binky explains by using it in a sentence: “Alex is a bell-end, but he’s MY bell-end”. Sophie dubs Cheska and Lucy a pair of opportunistic bitches. You know I adore Cheska and Lucy but I frigging adore Sophie as well. Highlighted even more by the fact that she then says “Cheska got all Inspector Gadget on your ass” which doesn’t make sense really but who cares!

Stevie is conducting a fake phone call on a bench when he sees Riley walks past. She is all “why did you tell Lucy that me and Jamie made dirty blonde sex?” Riley, YOU were the one that snogged Jamie practically 1 foot from Lucy’s nose, so you need to watch it young lady. Stevie extracts his industrial whisk from his pocket and begins to frivolously stir the shit by informing her that Jamie has secretly been telling Lucy that he still loves her. Oh Stevie, you’ve become a right old bitch but we love it.

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Hollywood! Hollywood! Holly. Wood. They’re at a Hollywood party involving giant scissors. Wheeze is dressed like Miss Scarlet from 1985 cult comedy classic “Clue”. It’s not a costume party, Wheeze! God! Fordy comes over to her and Fran with a martini. Who will he give it to? Which lucky girl will receive the golden cocktail of Fordy’s sweet sweet love? Wheeze! And to add insult to literally horrendous injury, Fordy calls Fran a third wheel. Harsh, man.

Toff Time!!! She’s there, she’s looking like a young Goldie Hawn, her hair is less big than usual and she’s talking to Riley in the tone you would talk to a child. She’s fabulous! Aurielle is in the backdrop trying to drink from a glass with a strawberry attached to the top of it, with much difficulty. Stop trying to take the focus off Toff, Aurielle!

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Jamie’s ignoring Riley and is instead talking to Lucy. He is saying to her that she doesn’t have a right to be annoyed that he’s dating someone else. To be fair, he’s right. I worry about Lucy. She seems to be wavering on the precipice of looking needy. Riley then comes over and drops the Bitch Bomb – literally. She tells Lucy, in front of Jamie, that he called her a fucking bitch. Needless to say, Jamie is left at the bar alone, small and blonde.

Alex is allowed to drink liquids with a less than 13% alcoholic consumption level because he is within 4 feet of Binky. But he is required to move out of the 4 foot safe zone when Cheska comes over to talk to Binky. Essentially, Cheska then breaks up with Binky as a friend, and a thousand stone angels start to weep on the rooftops of the King’s Road.

Next week’s predictions: From the previews, Lucy appears to shag Jamie, so I predict that I will unfollow her from Twitter in protest (as if I would)

– A


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