SHAMELESS PLUG: Last month I was contacted, because of this blog, to appear on TV:OD, a new show on ITV2. It starts Thursday night at 10PM. In the episode I talk to a water cooler about Embarrassing Bodies: Live From The Clinic. The water cooler has the voice of Jamie East, who was sitting on a piece of gym apparatus behind me. There’s a chance I’ve been cut from the episode and if not, there’s a chance that my TV commentary was not funny, given that I had had a car crash that very morning and was stressed to the nines. Oh well, tune in for it if you fancy a laugh. The episode also features Charlotte Crosby, so if that’s not additional incentive then I don’t know what is.
CHELSEA TIME: Andy and Spenny are flipping each other off at the Hampstead Heath Swimming Ponds. Is this supposed to be somewhere posh people go to swim? Because, frankly, I’d rather go to Hounslow Leisure Centre than a pond that is likely filled with London’s raw excrement.
Rosie and Riley have each busted their ripped jeans out of mothballs and happen to bump into each other in passing. Riley is all a-flutter because Lucy’s on the phone busting her chops, asking her to hurry up. Does Lucy pay Riley, I wonder? She repeatedly calls her “Her Intern”, which suggests Riley is working just for the experience. But it’s unclear what Lucy’s business is. Also, they work out of Jamie’s office, so how is this arrangement benefitting Riley’s future career? Tell me, please?! TELL ME! After a brief chat, Rosie tells Riley to get to work, with the smirky satisfaction of someone who doesn’t have to work.
Urgh. Edo and Fordy are back. They’re playing basketball with Stevie and Jamie. Jamie asks them if they had fun at his picnic. Were they even there, Jamie? Stevie and Jamie do a bit of wife-swapping as they laugh about how Stevie has ditched Riley for Steph. Stevie gives Jamie Riley’s number as casually as if he is lending Jamie his Summer Heights High box set. Steph “excites” Stevie. I bet she does you dirty, dirty boy.
Binky asks Steph if she and Stevie have sexed yet? Steph says no. Binky asks if she’s sure. Poor Binks; because Alex has introduced her to a world in which one has shagged so many people during blackouts that one cannot distinguish the difference between making love and taking the bins out, Binky now thinks that everyone else has problems recalling intimate intercourse. No, Binky, it’s just you and Alex.
Lucy tells the girls that Riley has turned into “an annoying cow”. Oh, Lucy is so fabulous! She declares that if Riley dares to accept Jamie’s offer of a date that she will get the axe. She even does that movement where you run your hand across your throat to signify slitting someone’s throat. Lucy, you are this generation’s Henry VIII. All hail the Queen!
BOMBSHELL: Binky has “been seeing quite a lot of Alex”. I already gathered that this was the case as my friend Cassie Bennitt saw them at Paddington macking on each other a couple of weeks ago, which she reported to me with gusto. She should have taken a selfie with them in the background, but whatever. Lucy’s eye twitches at this news and she comments that Binky hasn’t texted her in FIVE WHOLE DAYS. Binky then insists that everything is fine between her and Lucy but the problem is she shouts this in Lucy’s face which clearly highlights that things are far from fine. Then she storms off saying “fuck” a lot. Oh dear.
Riley finally shows up to work at lunchtime. Who do you think you are Riley with your lax work hours? Karen from Will & Grace? Lucy isn’t happy. Riley explains that the 30 second exchange she had with Rosie, and the 15 second phone call she had with Jamie on the way to work has made her 17 hours late. So Lucy does the only possible thing she can do – she sacks that bitch! It’s actually because Riley is going to go out with Jamie, so she deserves it.
At Hedonism Wine (have you ever heard of a worse name for a wine shop), Cheska tells Spenny to pass on a message to Binky that she loves her (not in that way). Turns out Binky has been shunning Cheska too. Binky, what are you playing at? Spenny then meets Binky for dinner. He brings her flowers to make amends, which Binky doesn’t chuck onto the floor like she did with Alex’s £14.99 bouquet of M&S Oplopanax Horridus last week. Binky explains that Alex’s actions proves that he loves her. What, sleeping with everyone on the Oxfordshire/Wiltshire border? Spenny tells her that Cheska loves her and Binky shouts about it angrily. Christ on a bike!
On their date, Riley and Jamie are getting dirty. They’re talking about what animals they’d be, if they were, you know, animals. Riley’s got bright red lipstick on – something she never wore on dates with Stevie. Riley, you little vixen (ironically not the animal she says she would be if she were a…animal)
The next day, Jamie gets to his office and basically asks Lucy to pack up her things and get the hell out. It’s way harsh. First you date Her Intern, then you take away her office space. Now she’s going to have to rent a storage unit somewhere and work from there. God, Jamie, why don’t you just wee all over her while you’re at it?
Whilst Mark Francis gives Binky a makeover, the rest of the girls go out and get pissed. Lucy, Fran and Cheska come to the conclusion that because Binky is a bit messed up in the head they are going to just abandon her. That’s what friends are for.
TOFF ALERT!!!! She’s in a towel dressing gown getting her nails done at a spa in Buckinghamshire and she’s just bloody fantastic! Riley’s there too but I’m too mesmerised by Toff to give two shits.
Back at Afternoon Drinking, Wheeze joins Lucy and Fran. But Lo! Where is Cheska? Apparently she has run off in tears, her head in her hands, stifling her sobs with her pashmina. Why was this not filmed??? Error!
Sam’s having a party. He is clinking glasses with some of the new girls that no-one cares about. “To my party,” he toasts. Oh Sam, pipe down! OMG, Alex walks in. He is heavily bearded and is wearing the same outfit as Spenny, which is unfortunate seeing as it reminds everyone that they both rolled around on the same bed at the same orgy together and so are two sexual peas in a sexual pod. Everyone gives Alex the Bad Eye – which is the opposite of the Glad Eye.
Jamie comes over to Riley and Toff, and Toff says she will leave them to it. No Toff, come back!!!!!!!! We don’t care about these two and their hideous sexless romance, we want to see you swishing your wonderfully large hair about with frisson. Jamie positions Riley into the direct eye-line of Lucy and tongues her. What a nasty dick.
Alex and Binky are analysing their disaster of a relationship. He uses his self-penned phrase “I fucking love you” once more. Note to anyone that falls in love with me in the future/loves me now: don’t ever use an expletive when telling me so, okay? Binky seems to have agreed to try and work it out with him. WHAT HAPPENED TO LAST WEEK’S CHAT ON THE BRIDGE BINKY, YOU SILLY SILLY GIRL!
To make things worse, she decides to go and tell Lucy and Cheska that they need to stop being such good friends and telling her when Alex cheats on her. It’s just ridiculous and I am very disappointed in Binky. And I say that with a heavy heart. She is THIS close to being crossed off my Christmas card list (if anyone knows her address, do send it to me)
Next week’s predictions: Fordy seems to be the topic of choice next week – this will be dull. Jamie and Lucy seem to be re-addressing their feelings toward each other – this will also be dull. Lucy, you need to be careful…we are only a couple of episodes from the finale and at this rate you’ll end up humiliated in a horse drawn carriage like you were at the end of Season 6!