Fresh from the news that Alex has not only cheated on her five-fold but has also had a sexual encounter which may or may not have involved him caressing Spenny, Binky is once again bed-ridden and seeking solace in Scrumbles. Alex, meanwhile, is totally F-ed off with Spenny, his co-orgy-participant. Alex blames him for spreading the word, far and wide, to the likes of Jamie. I agree – how DARE Spenny FORCE Alex to venture out of Monogamy Village toward the bright lights of Syphilis City.

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At the gym, Proudlock and Jamie are trying to buff up. Not gonna happen. Jamie shares his feelings toward Riley, which coincides nicely with what will happen later in the episode between Stevie and Steph. Fancy that!

Rosie is wearing a hat. Indoors. It’s blue.

WTF? Riley and Sam are hanging out! Why? I thought you hated him Riley, given that he dumped you and then got into a tiz when you started seeing Stevie. To make it weirder, Riley has asked Stevie to swing on by. As soon as he arrives, Sam announces that he’s “got to dust” which is slang for him having to leave. Oh Sam, why must you try so desperately to be street? Take that chain off of your neck and be quiet. When Sam leaves, Stevie drinks his leftover coffee. If that’s not a metaphor for the Riley/Stevie/Sam triangle then I don’t know what is.

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Toff’s back. She’s in the salon with Steph discussing how all men are awful. I used to think Toff was awful but she’s so ridiculously over-the-top that I might be changing my mind…

On the other hand, we absolutely DO NOT like Christiane. She’s out with Spenny, flaunting her wears, telling him he looks 30! What a complete slut! There is no question about this, she needs to go. Toff to win! To make matters worse, Spenny calls Christiane a “golden bear”. Seriously, just no!

Wheeze goes for drinks with Steph and says that if Binky sees Alex “she has to end it! Finale!” as if she is a ring-master at a circus. Stevie and Andy are also at this bar, and join them. Hold on a tiny little second. Steph and Stevie, are you eyeing each other up? Steph apparently needs a tour guide to show her around London. “Will you do it, seeing as you’re a London native?” she asks Stevie. Aren’t his parents from Mozambique?

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Rosie and Mark Francis are shopping for divine cars. Mark Francis proclaims that he most certainly doesn’t want to be driving around Chelsea, honking his horn. He tells a dark story about when he learnt to drive. “I learnt in a Rolls Royce, but drove it off a bridge. I had to be punished. So I had to drive a Mercedes.” STOP MARK FRANCIS! PLEASE! I won’t sleep tonight.

Binky emerges from her house to find a bunch of flowers lying on the doorstep. They look like Interflora but could be John Lewis.

Mark Francis is of course wearing driving gloves. He takes Rosie for a test drive. AND they go out in a vintage car. Her blue hat flies off in the wind. Well done, Mark Francis.

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Sam and Wheeze are breaking their fast. Sam can’t quite get his doughy soldier into his hard yolk. Knock Knock! Someone’s at the door. It’s Toff! What the hell are you doing there, Toff? Do you even KNOW the Thompsons? In she walks and makes herself quite comfortable. By all means Toff, sit back, put your feet up? How would you like a hard-boiled egg? Cup of tea? Shares in IBM? The deeds to this house? She’s there to stir the Spenny/Christiane/Sam shit. Controversial Alert: I like Toff. I think she has the potential to be the new Gabriella (may she rest in peace).

Riley is telling Lucy about her blossoming relationship with Stevie. Lucy says “I’m happy for you” with all the enthusiasm of a heterosexual male at a private screening of “One Direction: This Is Us”. Riley leaves and Steph and Jamie join Lucy. Steph volunteers her new romanticized leanings toward Stevie. Jame is all “go for it” but that’s only because he wants to touch Riley’s thighs.

A Bridge. In Chelsea, if you meet at A Bridge with a significant other, you are either going to cement your mutual love or you are about to destroy someone’s self-confidence forever. It’s the latter. Binky gives Alex back his Interfloras by chucking them to the floor. She tells him that if they were to get back together again she’d be worrying all the time whenever he goes out. He then says “I don’t mind.” EXCUSE me, Alex? YOU don’t mind????? How nice of you, you filthy orgy-goer.

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Stevie is as bad as Alex (minus the orgy, multiple cheatings and blackouts). He takes Steph to a roof to show her his Shard. She is all “I actually know London really well and just wanted to get you alone on a roof.” Stevie tells her that he’s single. Are you Stevie? ARE YOU? I’ve got two words for you: Rye Lea. Steph and Stevie kiss, as the sun sets behind Battersea Power Station.

Spenny is “in Abingdon”. I presumed it was the Oxfordshire parish of Abingdon, and that he might be there visiting local celebrity resident and professional skateboarder, Tom Penny. But actually it’s a pub called The Abingdon. Wheeze is on a mission. She’s got her Mary Poppins face on. She has a go at Spenny for stealing Christiane out from under her brother. There’s an image!

Later on, at Angry Bowling, Sam is annoyed with Spenny. But Spenny is annoyed with Jamie. And Jamie is annoyed with the machine at the bowling alley that you put 10p in to try to make a load of other 10ps fall off the pulsating ledge.

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Jamie throws a picnic; only it’s not a picnic really because there are chairs and table cloths and candelabrum and lobster and macaroon pyramids. Sam, who overheard Stevie talking about Steph at Angry Bowling, relishes in telling Riley about it. Stevie then comes over to Riley and acts as if they were never dating. That, it would seem, is the end of that. They really do look like each other, so it’s a shame.

Everyone glares at Spenny who has brought Christiane to the picnic. It’s like she’s someone’s mistress who’s just walked into a family barn dance. Spenny goes up to Binky, who is all “good luck with him” to Christiane. Binky is still annoyed that Spenny coaxed Alex into indulging in group-sex-activity. Which is a bit like Paranormal Activity but without ectoplasm.

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Stevie wastes no time in romancing Steph by the river. Andy (yes he’s still around despite having absolutely no storyline this season) appears in the background  and sort of hoots at the couple, like a distressed peacock. Meanwhile, Jamie makes a move on Riley, much to the chagrin of Sam and Lucy who are just very very bitter.

Next week’s predictions: The Riley/Sam/Stevie web will entangle itself with the Lucy/Jamie web, and also with the Steph web (which isn’t really a web because she is just one entity); Christiane will be pelted with rotten fruit; a farmer will discover Rosie’s lost hat in his cabbage patch and burn it.

– A


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