It’s Wheeze’s birthday! She is TWENTY FOUR! She wishes she was nineteen! Don’t be so ungrateful Wheeze, it could be worse, you could be TWENTY FIVE! To mark the occasion, they’re all at a shit gig, listening to a shit band with a lead singer who wears a shit polo neck.
What is THIS? Binky is DANCING with ALEX!? The fact that all her friends hate him hasn’t stopped her from being besotted with him. The fact that Jane practically threw her netball referee whistle at him when she saw him last week hasn’t stopped her from seeing him. The fact that he has slept with FOUR other women during their relationship hasn’t stopped her from craving his masculine hands all over her quivering body. Binky is cross with Spenny for advocating Alex’s adulterous lifestyle. Cheska and Fran are cross with Alex for HAVING an adulterous lifestyle. Cheska tells it like it is: “this relationship is doomed,” she says to the couple, much to their chagrin. Binky then turns to Alex and says “no it’s not, as long as you cheated just the FOUR times.” Have you ever heard such a depressing sentence? GET OUT BINKY! SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND RISE FROM THE DIRTY REMNANTS OF ALEX’S BETRAYAL LIKE A PHOENIX REACHING FOR THE HEAVENS!
Sam is at the party being a total asshat. He has picked up the phrase “What Up?” from his sister, and it’s even more heinous coming out of his mouth. He tries to act cool around Stevie and make it sound like he’s got some other bird on the go. Sam is basically a Chelsea Try Hard – a CTH. He is desperately clawing for a storyline but he’s too small to really achieve one.
Edo and that other bloke from last week are there. They’re this season’s Freddy and Miffy. Remember them? No, thought not.
Steph tells Spenny that she feels “disgust and sadness” when she looks at him. This is her attempt to undo the damage she did in Venice when she threw all her womanly values into the Grand Canal when Spenny gave her a handbag and resultantly had a punt up HER grand canal.
Lucy is pretending to work. She is at Jamie’s office for some reason. Riley is with her, interning. Jamie comes in and tries to “poach her like an egg”. Lucy is sad because her twat friends have decided to kick her out of their friendship group as if they are all still at school. I’LL be your friend Lucy! Jamie says something cryptic about Alex. Lucy’s ears shoot up like a shark’s (if a shark had ears) sensing chum in the water. There’s something Jamie isn’t telling her. WHAT. IS. IT.
Mark Francis is going to have regression therapy. You know, that thing you do when you are taken back in time and you find out that you were a 17th Century scullery maid in 1698. He wants “the compendium of Mark Francis”. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if he found out that he was Bampfylde Moore Carew in a past life?
Alex and Binky go on a DATE! Alex uses the opportunity to manipulate Binky even more so than he has done already. He starts making Binky question Lucy’s intentions as a friend. “Lucy isn’t a good diplomat,” he says. So what, Alex! This isn’t the Congress of Berlin! “Lucy wants all the rumours to be true,” he continues. Whether that’s correct or not, Alex’s argument is muddied by the fact that the rumours WERE true! Binky says she doesn’t need the negativity in her life. THEN STOP GOING OUT WITH CHEATS-FOUR-TIMES-ALEX!
Spenny and Sam meet up for sushi. Sam tells Spenny about how he’s over Riley. Denial starts to seep through his T-Shirt. He tells Spenny that he’s invited a couple of token blondes to lunch. Cue two leggy blondes, both looking very blonde and leggy, in corresponding pastel coloured jeans, strutting down the street like a couple of total bitches. On arrival at the restaurant we learn that the bearable one is called Christiana and the horrendous one is called Toff (which excels her horrendousness by a further 57%) AWKWARRRRRRRD. Spenny once hugged and kissed Christiana. Sam calls Spenny “Spen Dog” in an attempt to retain his coolness, but the trouble is he was never EVER cool.
Lucy, Andy and Proudlock play a trick on Stevie that Riley has cheated on him. It’s wonderfully cruel.
Back at Awkward Sushi, Toff keeps sticking her tongue up toward her top lip. Sam is feeling so awkward that he has strategically placed his arm around Chastity, or whatever her name is, as if he were an 11-year-old (is he actually 11? Could be) Every now and then he’ll say random words to indicate how relaxed he apparently is, such as “cushty” and “light-hearted”. The blondes start wishing they could trade places with the raw, dead fish they are eating. Charisma explains that she and Sam only went out for a month. Much like him and Riley. I think maybe Sam has a small willy.
Binky and Lucy meet up so that Binky can shout at Lucy for being a good friend. Why aren’t you shouting at Alex, Binky?? She actually uses the phrase “I won’t be giving him a third chance” which is nearly as tragic as “no it’s not, as long as you cheated just the FOUR times.”
Alex has plans with Spenny, but Spenny cancels as he must fulfil his loyalty quota with regards to Binky. “I’m sure I’ll manage without you,” says Alex. Yes, I’m sure you will Alex! You’ll manage juuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine!
At Stevie’s birthday party (Wheeze didn’t deserve a party, just an awful gig), there is a cake with Stevie’s face on it as a child. At least I hope it’s Stevie’s face, otherwise that’s a creepy-ass cake.
Toff’s at the party and comments on how cute it was when they surprised Stevie. Shut up, Toff! How do YOU know Stevie? How? Come on, tell us! Tell us now! She drops the bomb into the conversation with Spenny and Sam that Spenny hooked up with Clytemnestra the other night. Sam is devastated and repeatedly uses the word “dude”. Spenny tells him that he didn’t like how he was carting Chlamydia about to annoy Riley…which means the only sensible thing for Spenny to do was to shag the poor girl. Sam is so upset that he throws a drink in Spenny’s face. Then he goes off to cry about his phallic shortcomings.
Jamie definitely knows something about Alex, and Lucy won’t let it go. Finally, the truth is revealed. Just when we thought Alex had only cheated on Binky with FOUR other girls, it turns out he has actually done it with ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR at a mass orgy with Spenny and Hugh Hefner. This news of course spreads like wildfire.
Meanwhile, Binky and Spenny have made friends and Alex suggests they have a three-way BBQ. Spenny suggests they just have a three-way. Two minutes ago we would have thought you were joking Spenny, but not now that we know you and Alex are dirty dirty sex orgy partners. Lucy and Wheeze come to deliver the good news that Alex’s cheating blackouts have now been eclipsed with a gang-bang. Again, Alex can’t remember it happening. Binky has had it and slaps him, whilst Wheeze and Lucy watch on with relish. Even though I feel sorry for Binky, I’m quite impressed that MIC has ventured into sex party territory.
Next week’s predictions: It doesn’t matter what I think because according to the previews, Stevie kisses Steph! I can only hunker down and pray for daylight.