Well! The Alex/Binky saga seems to have taken a disturbing new twist. Alex is seen exiting Binky’s house after a night of break-up sex, leaving Binky in her bed with Scrumbles the dog (or whatever its called). Blackouts, infidelity and now bestiality! I jest of course, Binky would never do such a thing, she is too lovely. Alex probably would though, and I suspect he HAS seeing as you never know WHAT he’s going to shag during one of his blackouts.
Fran and Cheska are on Wimbledon Common. No, not dogging. They know about Binky and Alex hooking up last night and desperately need to talk about it. They have headed into the forest to evoke nature and the elements. They strip naked and call upon Feronia, goddess of abundance, to ask for her guidance in the matter of Binky, their Earth Sister. Feronia tells them to chop off Alex’s willy.
Stevie is telling Lucy and Andy about the text that Wheeze sent him being all “why are you coveting my bro’s ho, be-atch?” Stevie sarcastically says “thank you for bringing Louise into our lives, btw” to Andy. Excuse me Stevie, but I believe Wheeze was on MIC way before YOU popped up, so mind your tongue!
Binky lies to Jane. You know things are bad when Binky starts lying to the Matron of Chelsea, Jane Felstead. She tells her she “bumped into” Alex. No, no, no! He texted you and you TEXTED HIM BACK, BINKY! You made your bed, lest you lie in it! This bit gets all emotional and Jane cries for her daughter’s soul. Then Alex comes in!! Jane can’t stand the sight of him, so she leaves. Not before he calls her “Janey” twice! NO ALEX! You are not allowed to call her that! You lost that right when you shagged Scrumbles!
Sam asks Rosie if she told Riley he said he could have her whenever he wanted. She is all “yeah”. He gets a bit flappy about this but those bitches have got to stick together, Sam.
*** STOP PRESS! SOUND THE ALARM! RING THE CATHEDRAL BELL! CALL UPON THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, SISTER AGNES MAGDALENA! HANG THYME AND MARJORAM FROM YOUR DOOR-FRAMES, LOCK YOUR WINDOWS AND NAIL A CRUCIFIX ABOVE YOUR OVEN! ***
MARK FRANCIS IS SICK OF HERMES!!!!!!!!!!
Lucy has hired Riley to be her intern. Lucy, it would appear, now has a fashion business. She basically thinks she’s Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada, and Riley is Anne Hathaway. So you can imagine her disdain when Stevie shows up to pester Riley at work, with a nice moist slice of banana cake. Lucy is all “Stevie, don’t pester my intern” and “Riley, get me two copies of the new Harry Potter book even though it doesn’t exist.”
Fran and Andy are nodding awkwardly along to this awful singer who’s singing an awful song in an awful recording studio. The singer is dressed like Siobhan Fahey from Bananarama. In walks Edo! Yep, Edo. Short for Oedipus. He invites Fran, Andy and everyone they know, to a party in East London. A cold, ominous wind blows through the studio at the thought of venturing out of SW6.
Mark Francis has never heard of Nando’s. Sounds about right.
Steph has a go at Binky for sleeping with Alex. YOU DID IT LAST WEEK WITH SPENNY YOU STUPID, STUPID GIRL. She is a hypocrite. A disgusting hypocrite. She also doesn’t know what netball is. It’s like the NBA for schoolgirls, Steph.
NETBALLLLLLLLLL! Jane is refereeing! Stevie and Andy are watching the girls play, standing on the sidelines like a pair of pervert dads. Sam rocks up to watch the game but he’s only there to have a go at Stevie for dating Riley, consequently making himself look even more pathetic than he already has done. Basically, everything Stevie says is totally right, and everything Sam says is total shit.
Victoria and Sophie are assisting Mark Francis with his new pocket square designs. Apparently Victoria was invited to netball too, but obvs did not want to partake. She says it reminds her too much of gym class, with all those balls flying at you. Mark Francis perks up.
Alex shows up at netball!!! He has come to watch Binky but he only shows up for the last 30 seconds of gameplay. He was too busy unconsciously sleeping with a marsupial somewhere. Fran and Cheska tut in disapproval. Apocalyptic clouds are looming above the netball court. The Titans are peeking through, deciding the fate of Chelsea. When Alex leaves, Lucy decides to tell Binky what she thinks of the whole sitch. And she is NOT happy about it. She is all “you can be strong, Binky!” It’s actually quite empowering and I feel a tingle in my index finger just watching it. But there’s a bombshell to be dropped too: Alex has had more than just the one sexual blackout!!! TWO more, in fact! That makes three! One was even in the early hours of January 1st 2014! I think you need a new New Year’s Resolution Alex.
HOXTON!!!!! Everyone’s raving. They’re all wearing odd clothing, so as to fit in with East-side culture. I suppose this makes sense though, seeing as Edo is wearing a horrid, horrid jumper. Mark Francis and Victoria are there too, but they’re not ill-dressed. Their ears are bleeding though, because of the music.
Binky calls Alex. He’s not turned up yet. She is all “get here, now!” Alex knows she knows what Lucy knows!
Stevie can be seen kissing Riley. Sam watches this from across the room, then cries about it to Tara Palmer Tomkinson.
Lucy has a row with Wheeze and Rosie about their differing opinions on the Binky/Alex situation. Rosie is like “look at yourself Lucy!” How dare you talk to Meryl Streep like that Rosie!
Alex gets to the party and admits to Binky that he has dug himself into a deep dark tunnel of lies. Not only has he cheated two other times in addition to the original first time, but he also cheated during a trip to Scotland. Bring your appetites, lasses! That brings the score up to FOUR! 4 blackouts, no waiting!
Next week’s predictions: Sam will turn up to Stevie and Riley’s next date and shoot them both; Lucy will win a role in Death Becomes Her 2; Alex will buy one of those round the world plane tickets so that he can black out in every capital city on Earth.