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Venice Venice Venice! Everyone’s in Venice! It’s all going down! Steph is cross with Erik for inviting Spenny; Spenny would rather take a romantic gondola ride with Jamie than Emma; Wheeze is most probably wondering what the hell she’s doing there; and there’s a deformed dwarf running around in a red raincoat stabbing people.

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Binks has been in bed for days. Jane is there, desperately repressing the motherly urge to wash her bed sheets, which are soiled with her daughter’s tears. Sadness comes searching my room, aches by the light of the moon…

Whilst running, Alex comes to the realization that he has been a horrible, horrible tit. He says that he has chosen to be a gentleman and bow out of the relationship. It’s a shame, Alex, that you foreshadowed that by inserting your D into another girls F behind the back of poor B!

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Riley – remember her from last week, she used to sex Sam but now wants to sex Stevie – is having her haircut. She is joined by Aurelie who sounds like Tara Palmer Thompkinson. Rosie happens to be there too, with her giant bucket of shit, and Riley asks her what Sam thought of her dancing with Stevie last week. Rosie extracts her big wooden spoon and begins to stir, stir, stir. “Sam says he can have you whenever he wants you, and he’s not happy about you and Stevie” she says, whisking the proverbial shit into a thick, gooey paste.

Meanwhile, the boys are playing golf and Sam is pretending that the golf ball is Stevie’s face. In fact, he says the ball “literally couldn’t be more your face.” They throw some “Big Chat” around, and Sam calls Stevie “No Threat Stevie”. Big chat indeed, from such a small small boy. Then Riley texts Stevie asking him out. More like “So Threat Stevie” (see what I did there?)

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Victoria and Sophie have got their tits out for the lads and are sitting in a pair of strange exercise Jacuzzis. Victoria admits that she is a “big reptile”. We DID wonder, Vic! It’s a pointless scene really, but who cares – we’re just happy to watch these fabulous bitches surrounded by decadent bubbles and loving life.

On Stevie and Riley’s coffee date we learn that they are lying to us. They’re actually drinking TEA!!!! I think these two look like each other. I am not suggesting they are related, I am actually saying they belong together, because I find, in life, that one is drawn to someone who looks similar to one. I therefore give them my blessing. Bitter Sam, however, has been on a bitter shopping trip to bitter Liberty’s and bumps into these two. He is BITTER!!! He accidentally calls Riley a man by stating that tea is a masculine drink. He then asks if she would care to have some sex with him some time. Sam’s self respect can then be spotted frolicking in the bushes, naked and shamed.

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Back in Venice, the gang is dining in a haunted room. Steph is all “why are you here, bitch” to Emma. Emma tries to answer but the giant rose attached to her dress is weighing down her responsive synapses. Erik makes it quite clear that he finds Spenny disgusting. We like Erik this week; he’s looking less boat-faced.

Cheska, Fran and Rosie are trying to cheer up Binky. Cheska is questioning why Steph felt the need to fly across the planet to tell Spenny he’s an asshole. Quite, Cheska, quite. Binky says “blackout my ass” with regards to Alex’s excuse for indiscretion. Quite, Binky, quite. Rosie states that if a boy blacks out, he will be unable to perform sexually. Oh shhhh, Rosie, what do you know? You haven’t had sex since Season 1.

Spenny gets Steph alone in the haunted room. She tells him she would rather kiss a urine stained floor than kiss him (I added the “urine stain” bit). But alas, Spenny has bought her a PRADA HANDBAG!!!! The only thing that Steph can possibly do now is shag him.

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Rosie and Proudlock are having a hat-adorned meeting. Alex shows up and Rosie gives him a right old dressing down. He then says that if he ever got back together with Binky he wouldn’t cheat on her again because he’s “not that kind of guy”. Oh, just the one-infidelity-session-per-relationship then Alex? It’s such a shame, I used to like him but now he’s a knob.

News has hit Venice that Steph and Spenny had hot Italian sex, during which Steph would have called out the name of her brother. Emma is FUMING and I can actually spy a glimpse of personality coming from her. Erik is also livid. Lucy is ashamed of Steph and if it hadn’t been for Mark Francis totally coincidentally passing by, I think Lucy would have spat in Steph’s face. Mark Francis meets Steph and belittles her just by looking at her. He never books a return flight, you know!

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Riley has one of these taps in her house that pours out boiling water. It means you don’t need to boil the kettle. She serves Aurora, or whatever the new girl’s name is, a nice cup of tea whilst Azalea brags about a party she went to at Ascot. I went to a party in Ascot once…it was called my birth!

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Emma has a go at Steph for sleeping with the guy who brought her to Venice with him. Fair play, really. Then Emma goes “I’m not staying here anymore” which would have more effect if it wasn’t their last night and none of them were staying there anymore.

Bitter Sam is crying to his sister that Stevie and Riley are seeing each other. Wheeze is NOT happy about this. She texts Stevie being all “how DARE you do this”. Stevie laughs at her texts, as do I, as does the rest of Chelsea, as does the nation. What’s your problem Wheeze, you silly mare!? Bitter Sam and Riley only went out from November 29 – January 3. It’s not like they were betrothed, alright!

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Steph is advising Binky that she should “cut the chord” and forget all about Alex. Just like you did with Spenny, eh Steph? But hold on – Alex texts Binky and asks to see her. And she texts back the two letters that we are all dreading: “M” “Q”!!! Jokes, it’s actually: “O” “K”

Next week’s predictions: Stevie gives Riley some of his banana (cake); Binky will allow herself to be sucked back into Alex’s vortex of deceit, only for yet another Rumour to crop up. Next week’s episode is called “Return of the Rumour” which is a bit like “Return of the Jedi” but with the word “Rumour” in it instead.

– A

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