Poor Alex. He is crying on a bridge, staring down at the cold, turbulent, grey waters, thinking about how they are a metaphor for his infidelic ways. The next thing he knows, it’s morning, and he has woken up in his bed, naked, blurry eyed and bad haired. He must have had one of his blackouts.

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Binky is also miserable; so miserable that she is abandoning her dog and heading for Heathrow. Things are so bad that she is fleeing the country. Alex, what have you done you bitch?!

Cheska is holding a de-brief summit in the park, so that she, Fran and Lucy can applaud their sleuthing efforts. They dissected The Rumour like a dirty old divorcee undressing a female milkman with his eyes. Then Lucy and Cheska’s dogs fight. One literally tries to scratch the other one’s eyes out. Cheska pretends that she didn’t actually train her dog to do this to Lucy’s.

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The boys meet up at The Chelsea Ram, which is ironically another name for Alex’s wandering penis. Stevie brings with him a leather-bound book, which he will clearly use to write a shit poem in about all this. Jamie makes the observation that Binky doesn’t have much luck in relationships. Andy vibrates a bit at this, clearly dying to say “yeah, remember when YOU played with her heart like it was a shuttle-cock in Season 4?” Jamie then totters off to meet Alex. Alex’s hair is high, thick and tilted, and his eye-liner is running. He and Jamie meet in some weird religious pub. They sit beneath a giant crucifix and a picture of Mary, The Madonna. Alex is obviously turning to God in his time of need. God rejects you, Alex. He frowns ‘pon thee, and judges thou.

Wheeze and Spenny are “destroying the Kings Road” where they bump into Riley, who is the ex-GF of Small Sam. Spenny desires her, but I think that’s just a red herring in the introduction of Riley.

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Mark-Francis is teaching Rosie how to dance. He says what we’ve all been thinking for a while now. No, not “Rosie, when are you going to get a story-line”, but “if one doesn’t know how to Foxtrot, one doesn’t know how to do anything in life.”

Note: My favourite line in Spice Up Your Life by the Spice Girls is when Victoria goes “we moonwalk, the Foxtrot.”

Last week Spenny told Emma he wanted to be her BF on, like, their first date! Naturally the next step is to go on a second date and invite his ex-GF. So Wheeze goes for brunch with Spemma. Wheeze is all “I hope you don’t mind” and Emma is all “of course not, I love hanging out with you.” WHEN HAVE YOU EVER HUNG OUT WITH WHEEZE BEFORE NOW, EMMA, EXCEPT FOR AT THE SAD LONELY HEARTS DINNER PARTY WHERE YOU SPOKE 4 WORDS TO EACH OTHER AND WHEEZE RESENTED YOU BEING THERE!? Emma sends Spenny off to get a few cheeky wines, and Wheeze basically says “don’t date him, he’s a shit.”

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Andy and Lucy bump into each other on the street and Lucy deserves a slap on the backs of her legs for her appalling attempt to look surprised to see Andy. This is Season 7 girlfriend, you’ve got to be a better actress by this stage in the game. But hang on, what’s this? STEPHANIE PRATT IS IN TOWN! Mother, May I?

Fran tells Cheska that if she were Binky she’d get back together with Alex. Yes, we know that Fran, because you WANT him! You always have done! Maybe you should pounce on him during one of his inevitable blackouts.

Sam and Riley are hanging out, because apparently they are still friends. They are the same height, which means Sam doesn’t have to stand on a box to kiss her, like he does with most women. Riley tells him that she met Spenny and that he is handsome. Sam is jel. So jel that he gets a wedge of wayward onion in his eye. He asks if he and Riley will ever get back together. She says “no”. He says “never say never”. She says “never”.

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Poor Stevie. He self-proclaims that he “never has sex”. Andy and Lucy laugh in his face but I don’t know what they’re so smug about because they don’t seem to be getting any right now either. At least Stevie manifests his celibacy in creativeness by penning epitaphs of long-lost physical fulfilment. Lucy goes off and Andy tells her to Screen Shot 2014-04-29 at 12.57.42“stay classy” (idiot). She then bumps into Alex outside Versace. He has just woken up from a blackout. Lucy calls him an expert liar and looks down her nose at him. Like, literally. She might as well detach her nose and hold it up to her eye. But he deserves it, the cheating vagabond.

Apparently Candy Kittens is still a thing, because Jamie is at work there. Lucy comes in. They have the most RIDICULOUS argument about Alex and Binky. She argues that Alex should want to win Binky back and Jamie argues that Alex should end the relationship for good. How about you both stay out of it, you interfering gypsies.

At “Cad And The Dandy” (Jeeeeeeeeesus), Sam tells Spenny that he was the one to break up with Riley. Yeah, and I’m the father to an eight-year-old mongoose.

Steph is back, and she’s shacked up in a hotel room with Erik, a naked model who looks like his face has been smacked with a rowing oar. Lucy comes by to visit. Steph admits that she has seen the light and now realises that Spenny was a BBB: A bargain basement boyfriend.

Binky has taken to her bed. She tells Fran that Alex has been harassing her via text, saying things like “I’m so fucking sorry” and “I really bloody miss you”. Nothing begs forgiveness like a well-placed expletive.

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Proudlock’s got WHITE glasses on. Need I go on?

At Rosie’s black tie event, Fran is wearing a diamond encrusted neck brace. Sam is trying to get assurance from Stevie and Rosie that he wasn’t making a twat of himself on the dance floor. Rosie says “I was secretly laughing at your dancing”. You bitch, Rosie! Riley comes over for a chat and Stevie asks her to dance. I think Sam then calls her a whore, but I might be wrong.

Screen Shot 2014-04-29 at 13.09.49Boat-faced Erik comes in with Lucy on his arm, followed swiftly by Steph who marches right up to Spenny and screams in his face. She was trending on Twitter last night because of it actually. There were a lot of “you go girlfriends” being brandished about. Spenny tells Steph that Emma’s dress is “Saint Laurent” and she is all “Saint Laurent? Shut the fuck up!” It’s all very tense and emotional and you can tell Steph has been damaged by the whole thing. So, naturally, Erik does the sensible thing and invites Spenny, Wheeze, Emma and Lucy to Venice with him, Steph and Lucy. Oh Erik! Stupid boat-faced Erik!

Rosie calls Steph’s dress rank. At least Steph has a storyline Rosie!Screen Shot 2014-04-29 at 13.11.45

Alex pops round to talk to Binky. It’s all quite mortifying because basically Alex is saying that although he cheated, he isn’t going to fight for the relationship and would rather be off having more blackouts. I think this relationship is as dead as a floppy goose on Christmas Eve.

Next week’s predictions: Binky’s self-worth will slide lower and lower which I do not want to happen but fear that it will; Alex will be running an errand to the nearest post-office, blackout, and wake up on a ferry to Iceland; Venice will be awkward – to be truly amazing though it needs to be more awkward than the Binky/Cheska/Gabriella/Richard/Olllie/Kimberley holiday in Season 3.

– A


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